The New Lisa Turtle/→La J'amour Exquise←

Sorority Life

2009-01-02T14:42:00.006-05:00

It's not what you think...

I did not join a sorority! I'm not even in school right now. LoL. It's just I have this new addiction that's cutting into my productivity. It's this MySpace application called Sorority Life. Les told me it's similar to Mobwars or whatever but I wouldn't know. Anyway, I joined it out of boredom and curiosity as I was taking a break from working on my MySpace (which I still haven't finished). Now, it would seem that I am addicted to this game. This reminds me of 8th grade Algebra when I would play Pimp Quest on my TI-83+ instead of learning how to F.O.I.L. I have no producitivity right now and a to-do list a mile long. Somebody help!

This is my character, Lady JaJa. My sorority house only has 10 members so far. :(

Actually, this is no longer a cry for help. I know my productivity is shot to shit now! LoL. Now this is a JOIN MY SORORITY BLOG. If you're not my myspace friend and would like to add me to join my sorority my myspace url is: http://myspace.com/tofulicious.

CLEAR MIND '09: NO DISTRACTIONS!!!

2009-01-01T00:15:00.006-05:00

First and Foremost:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Now, I know most of you probably thought Lisa Turtle was dead but ~~she's~~ I'm not. I wasn't blogging because, up until two weeks ago, I really didn't have much to say. I've been in a 2.5 year funk... Now, some may attribute that to the nearly 3 years of my life I wasted on some little boy who didn't deserve me BUT I know the bulk of it can not be placed on him. I've had a lot of unfortunate things happen and I was not equipped to handle them. But that's all neither here not there now because the situation is what it is. So, this is the place I'm in now. I'm trying to let it all go. As our new president has declared time and time again, CHANGE is on it's way. This year I vow to not sit on the sidelines of life. I want to be a star player. I have no long-term goals (excluding happiness) as of yet but I hope through completing a series of short-term goals I will discover some things for me in the long-term. I have to put all of my negative thoughts out to pasture. This is why I have declared this year: CLEAR MIND '09: NO DISTRACTIONS. I know this year may be due to things beyond my control (the state of the world) but I know I can make it. The last 2 years have been more than I ever thought I could live through and I'm still here.

What I'm saying is, I'm on my way back to the right path. I got a little lost but I found those breadcrumbs I had left and I'm finding my way back. I'm getting back to the basics. This year is for me and when my process is over... The world will see how it has made me a better person! I will share my experiences here but they won't all be serious and stuff - That's just not me! I will still be random, irreverent, and borderline retarded. I hope y'all continue to vibe with me and I will update more! That's for serious because I have so many things I want to share. The process will come in me re-doing the look of the blog and changing the name and possibly the url. I hope you guys continue to feel me though. I love all the e-friends I made and I hope to make more (lol).

-J

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Catch 22

2008-11-19T23:47:00.004-05:00

22 years ago today they cut my mommy open and pulled me out. Yes, today is my BIRTHDAY. The days leading up to my birthday were full of mixed emotions, particularly the final week. You see, my good friend Elisha (the one who was murdered) would have had his 21st birthday on Nov. 12, 2008 - exactly one week prior to my 22nd birthday. I look at this picture from his birthday this year and think to myself how wrong this is. Was today a good day? Yes. Better than I could have ever anticipated (given my emotions leading to my birthday)? Yes. I just missed him so much today. I didn't get much time with him but if you would have known him you would know that forgetting him is impossible. Anyway, I am very thankful for the special people in my life who made this one of my best birthdays ever. I don't know if it's because my expectations were so low but it's really been super and it's not even over yet. I mean, JAHMAL TONGE told me Happy Birthday! ;) So without further adieu - Pointless personal pictures to further prove I am a weirdo. Thanks for reading about my dull life and random thoughts.

-la jasmine exquise-

Birthday Kick-off double fisting: signature pose. Hope you like the tiara.

Actual birthday (11/19/08): Bored, anticipating my fiesta with my mom!

Fiesta! Fiesta!

P.S.: I'M SICK AGAIN GUYS!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! /sarcasm

First Time Voter! (Sort of...)

2008-11-04T08:36:00.010-05:00

OMGosh GUYS, GUESS WHAT?!!!

in my very first presidential election! (I was 17 days too young last time!)

Obviously, you guys know who I voted for. It goes without saying. I also voted yes for Maryland to allow for early voting and no on slots! Yay me! I got to the polls around 6:40am and was out near 7:30 eventhough the lines were crucially long. Then my mom took me to get a presidential breakfast.

Yep, you can't get more patriotic than McDonald's!!! LoL! (Side note: My hash browns were extra greasy.) (Other side note: I always get a sausage biscuit with cheese and put strawberry jelly on it... My mom thinks that is the grossest/weirdest shit ever. What do you think???) Anyway guys, I hope all of you that are registered to vote get out there and vote if you haven't already. I am so sick right now and I still got my butt out there. I don't want to hear the my vote doesn't matter shtick either! I live in MD, we're going for 08AMA, I know my one vote didn't put it over the edge but there are other issues to vote on and then there's the whole people died for your right thing. Anywho... Enjoy this moving, powerful, and completely appropriate video from Miri Ben-Ari. (Last side note: I was very upset to learn about the passing of President 08ama's grandmother just hours before he makes history.)

"Symphony of Brotherhood" - Miri Ben-Ari feat. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Happy Voting!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

2008-10-31T20:40:00.004-04:00

This Election

2008-10-30T15:05:00.007-04:00

Disclaimer: I want to write this disclaimer now while I am of sound mind and body, before any of the emotions that have been building up since Barack Obama announced that he was running for president cripple me. I want it to be clear that I don't write this to offend anyone, to generalize, to make assumptions, to appear racist, or to lose friends. I write this because I want to say my piece on this tiresome election and say no more ever again until after Nov. 4. I will even do my best not to comment back to those who comment. It is my hope that I cover everything I want or need to say in the following statements.

I am tired of this election. It makes me sick. The appalling behavior of people is not shocking, just disheartening. The racist attacks are depressing. I particularly get upset at all the accusations over Barack Obama being a secret Muslim and that meaning he's a terrorist. This is offensive on so many levels. I don't have the time or patience to run through every single disgusting thing that has occurred recently but I am so fed up. I personally know friendships are falling apart at the seams because people refuse to respect each other. It was easy to pretend that the feelings didn't exist, that racism was not a problem until the catalyst. This audacious (half) black man thinks he can be president. It is extraordinarily interesting to me that I can recall how quick many white people were to constantly remind us black people that Barack Obama half-way belonged to them. I remember feeling the implications (before he decided to run, back when he was just the enigmatic Senator from Iowa) from these people; he's so good because he's half white. Maybe I should explain that. Some (not all or most) white people would feel the need to point out that his mother is white every time a black person seemed too proud of this black man. It would seem that these same white people don't want him anymore because he has stepped over the boundaries that they set for him. I noticed this when he decided to run for president. Some of these same people who thought he was the sweetest breath of fresh air in 2004 had the hateful things to say about him in 2007. I let it go though. As a black person, you learn which battles to pick and choose. It is especially difficult for me. Growing up surrounded by faces that do not reflect your own, you learn quickly that you don't want to be the girl or boy who calls everything "racist" even when it is racist. Even as I write these words, I think of the accusations. You're the racist because you think anyone who doesn't like Barack Obama is racist. This is simply untrue.

I find it interesting that if I generalized and said all white people are racists (because there are so many that are) I would be harshly attacked and criticized for my words. It is apparently, however, an acceptable generalization to say that all black people are voting for Barack Obama. Most people do not jump at that. Even more, it is apparently okay to assume that if you are black and voting for Barack Obama it is because you are black. The last time I checked black people were in the minority so I would gather that non-black people would have to vote for Barack Obama for him to become the Democratic nominee. Why does no one seem to accuse non-black people of voting for Senator Obama because he is black? Why does no one seem to want to talk about the large group of people who won't vote for him because he is black? Why can't it be that most black people are democrats? He is, after all, the democratic nominee. I don't know that Condoleeza Rice could have had this following from black people. I seriously doubt Alan Keyes could have. I know for a fact Michael Steele did not fair well with black people in Maryland when he ran for Senate. Why assume that black people are not capable of voting on the issues just like you are? Parade all the videos you want in front of me about black people who don't know the issues; I don't care. That does not represent black people as a whole but of course you choose to think it does. It is easy to think ill of the people you named a word that means ignorant. "I wish these ignorant people wouldn't vote." You say this and you're only referring to black people who you think are voting for the wrong reasons. Why don't you just say what you mean? "I wish these niggers wouldn't vote." I move away from that. I move away from the collective you. It's starting to sound like I mean all white people and I don't. This goes out to anyone with these feelings. Especially, black people with these feelings. You are not better than me black Republican because you are voting for John McCain. You are not smarter than me. You are not more enlightened. You are not special. You are not different. Most of the time you just sound desperate to separate yourself from "us." No, I don't feel this way about all black Republicans but most that I come across, yes.

As for me personally, I was not sold on Barack Obama - well, I am still not fully sold on Barack Obama. I guess I like him about as much as I can like a politician. I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I like Michelle Obama more than I like Barack Obama. When he announced he was running my feelings were mixed. I was very pro Hillary but happy for Barack. I thought he would make a nice vice-president. I had no intentions of voting for him in the primaries until... Hillary lost it for me. Her behavior, I won't get into specifics, turned me off. Most people didn't know I was initially for Hillary because they assumed. Yes, I always liked Barack Obama but I did not always plan to vote for him. It was assumed by Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Green party members, etc. that I was for Barack Obama. Why is that? Simply because we're both black. I didn't know who to vote for when our primary rolled around so I just voted for Barack just because. I didn't vote for him because he is black. I feel my gender more than I feel my race daily so if that were the case I would have voted for Hillary. I just couldn't not vote for someone. I am black and I am a woman. Too many people died, too much blood shed, too many tears, too much went on for me to have the right to vote. I will never not vote no matter how much I don't like the options. So this is the truth of the matter. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a whole hearted Democrat. I'm not anything. I don't like John McCain or Sarah Palin. I didn't pay attention to the other parties candidates. So It's Obama/Biden. My truth is the truth for a lot of people. Vote for the one you dislike the least. Yes, Barack Obama is handsome and a wonderful public speaker but I'm voting for him because he's the best option I have. Not voting is not an option to me so this is it. If I wanted to vote on race or gender or something I'd vote for the Green Party candidate - I mean, she's black and a woman! Two for one! To be honest, I constantly fret over how well Obama will do. I am completely confident he'd do much better than McCain but the odds are stacked against him since the country is already going to shit and he hasn't even made it to office yet. I worry that the job is nearly impossible, our downfall inevitable. I worry that he will become the scapegoat and we will never again have another black president.

But I know, some of you are still not convinced. You are convinced if Barack Obama had the same platform as John McCain I'd still vote for him. You make these assumptions simply because I am black. I've already told you how wrong you are but you will still believe it. So, now I ask you to look at it from another angle. I know I am asking too much of some of you when I ask you to try to see it from a different point of view. What if I were voting for Barack Obama just because he is black? What if every single black person in the country only voted for Barack Obama because he is black? So what? Unfortunately, people have the right to vote for whomever they choose and the reasoning can be as trivial as they'd like. But, race is not trivial. Especially not to those older than I. Those who remember segregation. My mother was born in 1954, the same year as Brown v. The Board of Education. Explain to me then why it was not until she was already in high school that the schools in Tangipahoa Parish, LA were desegregated. She remembers. This fair chance for a black man means something to her. Even if she weren't voting for him, she would be in awe that he made it this far. Can you imagine what it means to her to be able to vote for him after she has spent her whole adult life voting for white men and women. This is her youngest child's first presidential election (I was 17 days too young in 2004) and I will be able to vote for a black candidate. Can you imagine what that means to a black woman raised in the south during the civil rights era? Can you? I think back to Michelle Obama's now infamous statement about how for the first time she felt really proud of her country. So many jumped at the chance to call her un-American. I hate to break it to you but this is the reality for those unfairly handed second class citizenship status. I have still not seen a reason to be truly proud of my country. I refuse to feel ashamed of black people who only are only voting for Barack Obama because he black. Like I already said, it is no more than the white people (and other non-black people) not voting for Obama because he black. Besides, haven't white people always voted for white people because they were white? White men specifically? Isn't that why a black candidate and a female candidate never had a chance until this year? Or am I not supposed to point that out?

With all this being said, I just want everyone to vote - Period. I don't care who you vote for and all I ask is that you extend me the same courtesy. On the other hand, if Barack Obama doesn't win I will have no choice but to feel that it were not his merits and credibility that lost it for him. I will believe it to be something more sinister and evil. I will believe it to be racism. You don't have to agree with me, I'm not asking you to. I'm just being honest. I wish I could believe it to be his political stance but I can't delude myself. I can see. I also fear his victory. I fear people will think racism doesn't exist here anymore because we have a black president. Racism will still be here no matter who wins.

On Nov. 4, 2008, I will vote for Barack Obama. I know that no one is shocked. Your reasons for being not shocked depend on your character. If you choose to think ill of my decision and want to continue to assume it's based on race then more power to you. I do not wish to discuss this further. If you are offended and hate me now. Feel free to never speak to me again. Delete me off Facebook, MySpace, delete my number, etc. I don't want to lose friends over this madness but I'm always going to be black so if that's the kind of person you are it will come up again later in life so let's get it out the way now. This does not mean if you are a McCain supporter I don't want to be your friend. I mean if you think less of me because I'm not one or you question my intelligence (meaning you think I'd vote for someone just because they're black) then I don't want to be your friend anyway. I think voting for John McCain is incredibly stupid but I'm trying to respect that everyone doesn't think the way I do, can I have the same in return? I don't think that's too much to ask.

Also, I can understand if you are a John McCain supporter who won't like me anymore because you will wonder if I think you are secretly a racist. I can answer that, I don't unless you have given me some reason to feel that way.

Anyway, everybody just vote! Please?

-Jasmine

P.S.: Donna Brazile says it better than me and it's shorter:

I Want You

2008-10-29T14:07:00.004-04:00

you mess with my mind
thoughts skip and repeat like a scratched CD
I shake my head in defeat
because there seems to be no release
staggered heartbeats and clammy palms don't lie
I want you
and it would seem that this fact is
inescapable

I tried to drink you out
sleep you out
read you out
exercised and exorcised
even tried to ~~fuck you out~~
but I can't convince myself
despite my best efforts
that I don't want you

tried to figure it out
how I became so fixated
everytime I try to rationalize
I end up lost in moments
and picturing your smile
I wish I knew your voodoo
you're not even that cute

the reasons are lost to me
I just know that
logic has failed me
my emotions betrayed me
denial no longer being an option
I must accept how badly
I want you

Erykah Badu - I Want You

Michelle’ Orphalee McMullen … Missing

2008-10-13T04:32:00.002-04:00

Just trying to help spread the word... (More people should do things like this...)

It's That Magical Time of Year!

2008-10-13T03:25:00.006-04:00

I've been extra nostalgic lately and I think it's mostly due to my impending birthday. I'm not excited at all and that kind of makes me sad - I usually love my birthday but this year I just kinda don't care. I know part of it is what my birthday is near... Exactly one week after the birthday of my friend who was murdered. I just feel so old and unaccomplished (lol). I know that I'm not old for real for real but it really feels like time has slipped away from me. This past weekend was my high school's homecoming and a couple people older than me were going to the game and I was just like -- I seriously graduated over 3 years ago, I'm not trying to be around a bunch of 14-year-olds. But seriously, where has the time gone? I look at this picture of my best friend Jinnelle and I on our graduation day (June 10, 2005) and I think about how in a few years my little cousins Helena and Daisy will be graduating... Why do I feel like life is moving too fast?

Earlier today, my mom was on the phone with my Auntie Helen (Daisy and Helena's grandmother) and she told me that my little cousin Helena had made homecoming court and the strangest thing happened -- I started crying. I can't explain it but it was just too much for me at that moment. Helena is the first baby I have ever held. My cousin Mel was the first pregnant person I ever remember being around. Helena is my little baby, my little shadow and now she's a teenager and soon she'll be an adult and I'll be her uncool older cousin that she thinks is desperately holding on to youth!

I mean, it seems like just yesterday that I was a 14-year-old and on the phone with Jinnelle talking about how were pretty much over The Backstreet Boys. Maybe I just miss my family or maybe I'm just extra crazy. Anyone else have an irrational "DAMN I'M GETTING OLD!" moment???

WHY DID NO ONE ALERT ME TO THIS FIRST CLASS FUCKERY?

2008-10-08T12:46:00.006-04:00

So apparently Mr. West stopped by The Ellen Degeneres Show to premiere his video for "Love Lockdown." About that song... I was convinced the final version was another draft/demo being that it sounds so... Well... unfinished but apparently this is the (umm) direction Kanyeezy has chosen to go in. Now, I like the lyrics because I am an emo thug myself (thanks Gavie) but the umm... vocals - not so much! I actually prefer the cover by Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy. I just don't know what's wrong with Kanye. I'm going to go ahead and say I found Graduation to be a disappointment and now this... WILL SOMEONE PLEASE INTERVENE AND TAKE THE VOCODER AWAY FROM HIM?! PLEASE?! I can't take a whole album of off-key autotune joints. Kanye West, you are not T-Pain (or Lil Wayne who can do it because he's high as shit off that lllleeannnnn and nobody cares anyway).

In all seriousness though, I think maybe Mr. West is going through a tough time with the loss of his mother and the ending of his engagement but damn... I'm all for soul searching but this shit is out right terrible. It's okay though, the stans will buy it. Now enjoy Kanye in an all white outifit in an all white room with a telescope and some African dancing ish. Yeah, I don't know either.

P.S.: What's really good with his hair? I'M JUST SAYING.

JaZmine Sullivan - Fearless (Album Review)

2008-09-24T00:43:00.008-04:00

I had been thinking about doing album reviews but I didn't know if I really felt like giving the effort - Seems like that would interfere with my laziness. But, I decided to review the new JaZmine Sullivan album Fearless.1. "Bust Your Windows"
This is her second single. I kind of want to like this song. Kind of. I really like the beat. According to wiki it was produced by Salaam Remi and samples "Bad Man Waltz" by Salaam Remi... Whatever that means, lol. Her voice isn't as grating on this song as the first single ("Need U Bad") but it's still not great. As for the lyrical content, it's about what you would expect. You broke my heart/So I broke your car/You caused me pain/So I did the same. Nothing really profound here.

2. "Need U Bad"
I hate this song. I just absolutely hate it. Missy Elliott's ja-fake-in thing she does irks me. JaZmine's voice irks me. The lyrics irk me. I need you bad I can't take this pain/Boy, I'm 'bout to go insane. GROSS. I'll say something positive though... It's catchy in that annoying way that you'll find yourself ~~screeching~~ singing it later.

3. "My Foolish Heart"
My guess is this is filler. It's forgettable in every way. Matter of fact, I had to start it over because I didn't realize it had come on while I was editing the intro of this review.

4. "Lions, Tigers, & Bears"
I'll admit... I love this song. I love it so much that it got the repeat treatment weeks ago. I love the orchestral arrangement in the background - Salaam Remi does it again! The lyrics really talk to that young and girlish side of me. I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (oh my!)/But I'm scared of loving you.... Why do we love love when love seems to hate us? She got me on this one, I won't lie. Her voice still sounds nasally and whiny but I ignore it.

5. "Call Me Guilty"
The song opens with a phone call between JaZmine and her mom where she tells her mom, "Mom, he did it again... He hit me." The song goes on a hypothetical journey where she wonders if she should kill her abusive boyfriend. I almost want to give her props for boldly taking on a subject usually ignored in mainstream R&B and not trying to cover it up in metaphors. You know exactly what she's saying. The lyrics are straight forward: 'Cause if you knew what he did to me/I know I would get your sympathy/So if they catch me/I still ain't sorry/Just lock me up and/Call me guilty. The song itself, however, isn't all that interesting. It's actually quite boring.

6. "One Night Stand"
Hmm... I'm on the fence about this song. The chorus is pretty catchy. It starts off slow and forgettable but when it picks up it's almost infectious. Her voice is also less annoying on it. Content wise, she sings of a hook-up that went further than she intended. He was supposed to be a one night stand.

7. "After the Hurricane"
Predictable and boring. The way you broke my heart/and now I'm left with the pain/After the hurricane... Yawn.

8. "Dream Big"
More Missy Elliott... Yay! (/sarcasm) The song is about exactly what the title makes you think it's about... having big dreams! She's going to take that big journey to the magical land of Los Angeles and give it her best shot! The song sounds like something scrapped from a Disney Channel original movie starring one of the Mowry siblings or Raven-Symoné or one of the other ethnic people they allow into their programming. Maybe it'd fit in nicely in another Cheeetah Girls sequel.

9. "Live a Lie"
I had to listen to this song like 20x (exaggeration) to make sure I understood what was going on. She mumbles/whines through the whole song and it's boring so I kept getting confused. Here's what I got: She got drunk one night and went to her boo's house (I think?) and caught him with some chick and she wish she hadn't. She'd rather live a lie. I guess she's operating on ignorance is bliss... Fuck living a lie. I'd rather be heartbroken than played, BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

10. "Fear"
The song contradicts my personal jam, "Lions, Tigers & Bears" because in that song she runs through how she's not scared of much except loving her boo but this song says she's scared of basically everything. Which is it? At first listen, the song probably seems familiar to most because she samples a Stevie Wonder song: I Was Made To Love Her. As much as Stevie samples touch my heart, I couldn't get into this song.

11. "In Love With Another Man"
This is the other song that everyone else seems to like... Everyone but me. It seems she's going for more a bluesy feel as she (again) whines over the track and tells her poor lover that she is sorry but she is in love with someone else. I guess I can see why people would like this song but it just doesn't work for me. It mainly comes down to the fact that her voice couldn't pull off that bluesy agony she was going for. As much as I hate to say it - Fantasia Barrino probably would have killed this song (and I swear, I can't STAND Fantasia Barrino.)

12. "Switch!"
The most playful of the tracks. It has an old school feel to it and it's pretty cute. It's about how she thinks her and her man should SWITCH! She likes his best friend and is offering up her female friend. Like I said, the song is cute.... But not cute enough to keep when you hate the rest of the album (save for one song.)

In case you didn't notice, I did not like the album. It seems that most other reviewers loved it but I am not on that train. It's not because I'm not her target audience - I'm her age, I'm a black woman, I'm a man-hater/lover, I dig R&B, I hate Rihanna, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill changed my life... I'm supposed to like this shit but I DON'T. Plus, it's lacking in depth. Pretty much every song is about some dude or at least references lurve. I swear people are so thirsty for someone with a shred of talent that they give credit where it is not due. Like my friend Lenoir Tyrannical says, "she sounds like she's got a chest cold." ...And if I hear/read one more person comparing her to Lauryn Hill I will bust some heads till the white meat shows! I even heard Phyllis Hyman comparisons... LIKE, SERIOUSLY? WTF? I give her MAD PROPS though for being a songwriter. But if you don't like my review, read Allmusic's - they gave her 4.5 stars... I'd give the ONE SONG I'll keep 4 stars.

Worst of all though, I HATE THE WAY SHE SPELLS HER NAME. IT'S J-A-S-M-I-N-E. Damnit.

(There's a bonus track but I didn't care enough about it to look for it. Also, if you want to hear something good - Check this out.)

White Privilege

2008-09-21T19:24:00.004-04:00

(Saw this a couple days ago... It came to my mind again so I decided to post it this time. Thanks Jinnelle.)

For those who still can’t grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because "every family has challenges," even as black and Latino families with similar "challenges" are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a "fuckin’ redneck," like Bristol Palin’s boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll "kick their fuckin' ass," and talk about how you like to "shoot shit" for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don’t all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you’re "untested."

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words "under God" in the pledge of allegiance because "if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it’s good enough for me," and not be immediately disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the "under God" part wasn’t added until the 1950s--while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you. White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was "Alaska first," and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she’s being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor--and people think you’re being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college--you’re somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don’t even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a "second look."

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn’t support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God’s punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you’re just a good church-going Christian, but if you’re black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you’re an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a "trick question," while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O’Reilly means you’re dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it, a "light" burden.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren’t sure about that whole "change" thing. Ya know, it’s just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.

-Tim Wise (anti-racist activist and writer; author of White Like Me: Reflections on Race From a Privileged Son)

She's Come Undone

2008-09-17T23:42:00.003-04:00

For the past week or two, but mainly the past five or six days, I have been engrossed in a book called She's Come Undone. It was apparently one of the books featured in Oprah's Book Club but I don't pay much attention to Ms. Winfrey so I was only driven to read it because of one word - undone. This is a word I've used to describe myself for the last 7 years. What I meant was that the sugary sweet persona of happiness I tried to perfect was unraveling and I was powerless to stop it. A couple of months ago I made a promise to myself to not be ashamed of the things I go through; to be just as honest about my highs as my lows. The last two years of my life have been one continuous low and I have been doing everything in the world to avoid acknowledging the fact.

Repression. My plan had been to repress everything I have been feeling and try to resume life as usual. I was going to ignore everything that was going on around me and throw myself into other things. This seemed to have worked for me previously, as a young girl but no longer. I was holding myself together with mud and then a hurricane came and washed me away. All that is left now is pieces. I look back at pictures of me just before I began to lose composure. Through forced smiles and perfectly matched outfits, I still know I was at the very least a real person. I was not fragmented like I am now. I was a whole person once. If you look at the pieces you will see - they were once part of a whole. Now I'm aimless trying to find out who I am now and who I used to be.

Remember I said I wanted to share things I write because maybe sharing these things can help someone. Everyone should read She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. The book is raw and honest in it's portrayal of what repression can do to a person. The themes in the book (spousal abuse, rape, abortion, mental illness, death, love) are all explained in the point of view of someone who feels unloved and incapable of being loved - the abused. The book affirmed conclusions I had already reached on my own. The most important being this: For years I walked around in shame hiding all my dirty secrets, covering up for sins committed against me. It took me a long time to accept that these things are not my fault. These things happen to people. Molestation happens to good people. Rape happens to good people. Physical and mental abuse happens to good people. Neglect happens to good people.

I wonder if I will always at least be partially this way - partially broken. They say once you're an addict you're always an addict, just in recovery. Had I been honest with myself and those who were trying to help from the beginning I wonder where I'd be at right now... But I can't think like that. I can only think of the now and the now is this is me. Flawed and incomplete but on the road to recovery. And if you are walking around harboring dark secrets that keep you shrouded in sadness and shame, let it out. Chose whichever method you are most comfortable with but let it out. Free yourself. Freedom is the only path to true happiness.

-Jasmine

BLACK GIRLS ARE AWESOME (For Those of You Who Don't Know So!)

2008-09-09T02:07:00.004-04:00

I'm a pretty open person. Some say I'm weird but I prefer atypical, better yet - eccentric. From a very early age, my mom showed me that I don't have to live up to anybody else's expectations of what I should be. Growing up with such a non-judgemental mother allowed me to favor the Backstreet Boys to Blackstreet, No Doubt to Destiny's Child, basketball to ballet, dresses with shorts to pants, black to pink, to Boys Meets World to Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, etc. I have never felt the need to tie my identity to things deemed black, feminine, southern, or anything else that I'm supposed to be. I like what I like and I make no apologies, explanations, or excuses for my often random likes and dislikes.

It has come to my attention on numerous occasions that black girls and women are all expected to (basically) be one way. It seems a good chunk of you missed the memo that we are not all into long weaves, neck-rolling, hoop earrings, blunts, misplaced anger, etc. To be honest, I don't have much in common with most of the black girls I know and they don't have much in common with each other. Do you know what this means? WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT! ;) I chose that picture of Jack Davey because I think she represents what I'm saying here. She fronts J*DaVeY (the new Groove Theory), an R&B/Funk duo made of awesome and win. I'm willing to bet if she chose not to don mohawks and headdresses, she would become more appealing to most people. If she would just be that bland, safe, cutesy image of a black chick that the music industry keeps forcing down our throats... But she's not and she shouldn't have to be. Not only that, how she chooses to express herself shouldn't be seen as weird and/or shocking when the same reaction wouldn't be given to a white chick (if we're being honest).

...Now that you know what I'm trying to say here... Let me tell you what happened. I went out with some friends tonight and out of nowhere (it seemed), one of them says, "I know my children will be light because my wife will be white or Asian because I don't do blackies. No offense to you. [meaning me]" He, of course, is Wesley Snipes black. My other friends at the table scurried off, as they assumed I was about ready to lay a verbal assault on his ignant ass... But I didn't, not really anyway. I tried to engage in a civil conversation with him; I tried not to involve too many emotions. He told me it wasn't that he didn't like black girls, it's just that this is what he gravitates to because of where he's from. YOU KNOW THIS WAS A COPOUT TO THE SUBURBAN GANGSTER HERSELF, but I let it slide and let him continue. He told me that black girls, or at least the ones he knows, aren't into the things he likes - Anime, photography, rock music. They are all into that gangster rap and he can't deal with that. (For my DMV people, he's from PG County/MoCo... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!) He told me that he can't be faulted for his preference. The only other female there (a Korean/white blend) tried to explain his point of views from a sociologist's standpoint. They all started talking r e a l s l o w to me like I didn't understand them when I was the only completely sober person at the table (shocker, I know).

I won't even go into the self-hatred issues I'm convinced this boy has (and nope, not because of his "preference"). I asked him and the other black guy at the table, "Are your mothers black? Is she an angry hoodrat?" They replied, "No." "So how is it that you can say to me that you don't know not ONE black female who doesn't fit this stereotype when you know HER?" Then I went on to say, "And... YOU KNOW ME! Are you now saying I fit this stereotype too?" I am tired of people not acknowledging the variety pack that is the black female. Like I told these dudes, if I based my opinion of all black men solely on my experiences with black men... I wouldn't ever talk to a black man ever again. EVER. ...And the, "I don't know many black girls" argument - OBNOXIOUS. Meet some damnit!

This is a call to action to all out there who think we are all one way, all those who view us negatively... Try a black girl today! Go befriend one! Talk to one at work/school/the grocery store/etc.! You would be surprised (apparently) at how friendly we can be. Don't just assume we don't share your interests! Half the Anime club at my school was black girls! We like rock music too! Damn, some of us grew up going to country clubs too! I appreciate green tea and noodles! You wouldn't believe how many black women HATE mainstream rap music! And YES, I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC DAMNIT! Stop trying to pigeonhole us and give us a chance before you assume we're angry, uneducated, and bitter!

I Am Not A Slut (Fixed For You L.F.B)

2008-09-08T03:07:00.013-04:00

This year, the MTV VMAs were over-hyped as usual and I'm embarrassed as hell to even admit that I watched portions of that abomination but, I did. The show wasn't much of a show at all, I think I forgot it was on but there was a moment when Jordin Sparks decided to defend, of all things, promise (purity) rings. The ridiculous host of the show, Russel Brand had been going hard on ~~Fake Hanson~~ The Jonas Brothers for their decision to remain virgins until married and wear promise/purity rings. Now look, I don't really care one way or the other... Do I think it's noble or special or sweet or the right thing to do? Nope. I really don't. I actually think it's kind of stupid. But I operate on to each his own. I can see where sweet-as-pie Jordin got her panties in a twist over Brand's remarks (he was definitely crude the entire night) and I don't fault her for defending her right (and the Jonas Brothers' rights) to not give up the goodies but I do have a problem with her statement.

I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It's not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody, guy or girl, wants to be a slut.

That is all fine and dandy Miss Sparks (you seem like the type to prefer Miss instead of Ms.) but your statement, though you may not have meant it this way, implies that people who do not remain chaste until marriage are sluts. I am not a slut. Most people I know are not virgins and most of them are not sluts. I don't want to really take aim and issue with Miss Sparks (she's young as hale anyway) but with the attitude that many who choose abstinence have towards the LARGE number of us who don't. So I'm saying this for all the unmarried/never been married/who even knows if I want to ever get married/can't legally get married because the government won't allow it non-virgins - BEING SEXUALLY ACTIVE AND PROMISCUITY ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, THANKS.

Sarah Palin Scares Me

2008-09-04T15:55:00.005-04:00

Bree Van de Kamp Hodge, Peg Boggs, Rita Repulsa, and Sarah Palin

I know everyone (especially out there in the danishosphere) is throwing in their two cents on potential vice president, Sarah Palin. I'm going to stay away from all the wtfery of John McCain's craptacular VP pick and explain why lil ol Sarah Palin scares me.

Part 1: Too many similarities to Bree Van de Kamp Hodge. Bree is a character (played by the always believably crazy Marcia Cross) on the popular television series Desperate Housewives. In light of the grandson-son-gate, the comparisons began. Sarah Palin allegedly faked a pregnancy to cover up for her teen daughter, Bree Van de Kamp Hodge actually did it. Bree is also a staunch Republican, a long-term member of the National Rifle Association, anti-abortion, by-the-good-book religious when it counts and when it's convenient, really really white... All of that. If you've never seen Desperate Housewives, believe me when I say Bree is one crazy bitch. Anyone putting me in the mind of her IMMEDIATELY goes on the "One Crazy Bitch" watch list.

Part 2: Have you ever seen Edward Scissorhands? Do you remember the mom? Tell me Sarah Palin does not remind you of her! For the 2 people that read this that have not seen Edward Scissorhands, or simply cannot remember, the mom in Edward Scissorhands was a bored, obnoxious, Avon selling housewife named Peg Boggs. Now... It's not so much about her character traits as it is the way she looks. The ultra matronly outfits, hair, and the same ugly glasses. Plus, it doesn't help that I could totally see Palin trying to force some Avon or Mary Kay on somebody. You may ask, why is this scary? Because you know if she had not gotten involved in politics she'd probably be one of those Susie Homemaker hockey moms and I always think perky suburban housewives are about one burnt cookie from unloading an assault rifle on the whole neighborhood. And if they're a member of the NRA (Palin), they probably have access to some, IDK, rifles. Beware suburbanites, beware.

Part 3: I'm almost positive all power hungry women have a plan to take over the world. Let's face it, I think most power hungry people have a plan to take over the world but women haven't had a fair shake so you know we let our imagination run wild when plotting. Because so few women are in extremely high-powered positions, dreaming of what you would do if you had the power seems more like some far fetched fantasy. Some of us just want to create harmony and come up with a good health care plan... Others have the Rita Repulsa gleam in their eyes. Rita Repulsa was my public enemy number one in the early nineties. That trick was always trying to off the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Everytime Rita would explain her eeeevvuuulll plan she would get this disturbing look in her eye, a gleam if you will. I see that look on Sarah Palin. It's this seemingly innocent squint-smile thing but look again, behind that pretense is the second coming of the Empress of Evil.

When you sum it all up, Sarah Palin is a lying, conniving, rifle toting, bible thumping, possibly bipolar, seemingly friendly and harmless, eeeevvuuulll trickster. She's got everyone fooled with her inexperience. If Jon McCain beats Obama, I will be convinced it was part of her plan that she has concocted and will fully expect for Jon McCain to be incapacitated by February 2009. Watch out America, I gave you fair warning.

Misandry

2008-09-04T00:05:00.005-04:00

"As for the issue of whether or not to continue to reproduce males, it doesn't follow that because the male, like disease, has always existed among us that he should continue to exist. When genetic control is possible -- and soon it will be -- it goes without saying that we should produce only whole, complete beings, not physical defects of deficiencies, including emotional deficiencies, such as maleness. Just as the deliberate production of blind people would be highly immoral, so would be the deliberate production of emotional cripples."
—Valeris Solanas, SCUM Manifesto

The Single Life Blues

2008-09-02T22:37:00.006-04:00

I've been thinking and drinking heavily for the past week or two, in part, because I've been living the single life blues. Now, I've been fake single (you know, when you're broken up but you're not REALLY broken up) for awhile now but now it's really over. I've been going through all the motions - listening to all kinds of songs to speak my emotions for me until I was ready. I realized just the other day, I haven't known what it's like to be completely single for about 4 years now. When I look back I was always at least talking to some dude or involved in a dramaship. It's strange. I forget that when I meet dudes now it can go beyond flirtations/crushes/revenge hook-ups if I want it to. The worst part about my single life blues is... I want a boyfriend more than I have ever wanted one in my entire life. As a matter of fact, it usually goes that I don't even really want a boyfriend but somehow I ended up in the relationship. (LoL, terrible, I know.)

Unfortunately, I have no clue how to go about this. Do I just do me and wait and hopefully someone will come around? Should I be proactive and look into every given opportunity? I'm already not a shallow girl, personality will always trump looks for me. I don't even really like to date conventionally cute guys because every other girl has already told them how cute they are and I don't have time to deal with inflated egos... Mine is big enough. I don't even trust myself to pick a good guy. The thought process is, "I like him, there MUST BE something wrong with him." My pessimistic nature is telling me that because I actually want a boyfriend for once, I'm going to be lonely and single for a long long time. *Sniffles* I even sent out this mass text message to my friends that said something like, I'm contemplating a non-sexual, romantic relationship with a woman while continuing to use men for sex... How do you feel about it? I was joking (mostly) but I do sometimes feel like a decent dude in such short supply I might as well find a good BFF Jill to do all the non-sexual couples things with and get my rocks off elsewhere. I know I'll miss the emotional connection but it's better than what I have currently (nothing).

People are telling me that I need to hold off anyway - see if this thing with him and I is really over. I can't speak for him but for me, the shit is over. It's a wrap. I got my relationship habits from both of my parents - My father is the type who is in love with love (I suffer from that), my mother is loyal and loves hard but when she's done there is no going back (my other affliction). So given these two traits, my recovery time after I'm actually done is short! It might take me a few tries to be done with you but when I am, the shit is like a distant memory... And that's exactly what he's becoming. I keep forgetting that some of these memories are from a week ago. (LoL!) It's like my new beezy Solange says in her song "Would've Been the One" - I was the one. Yes, I was the one. Keyword is WAS! Yes, I WAS the one!" I'm over that shit and now I'm ready. In the coming weeks I might have some seemingly sad stuff posted about the previous situation but it's not because I'm not over it, it's either because I wrote it before or I'm just reflecting.

To sum all of my rambling up - to bring this to a point, I don't know how to date. This may be in part to age (21) but I don't know how to do it. I don't know where people find dates. I am romantically challenged. I am also a little bit shy (a little known fact and shocking to many that know me). If someone really sparks my interest, I get all uncomfortable and I don't know how to act. I usually hang out with them in a group setting and let the alcohol do the talking for me. I want to take a more mature approach. I'm finally ready to do completely right by someone and I am ready to be done right by but for the first time in my life, I seem to have no potentials. I mean, there's a little crush but it's nothing for real because I think he's still in high school mode and I really don't have time for that, especially from someone older than me. So, it looks like I'm resigned to this single life blues until further notice. BLAH!

Thoughts

2008-08-27T20:17:00.004-04:00

I got a message from someone today on Facebook (and they know who they are) that reminded me why I like to share what I write. Even though I don't update this the way I should, I'm always writing something. It's just... Sometimes I get so sad and upset and down and angry and crazy that I just go inside myself and hide.

I started this danish because I don't want to hide inside myself anymore. I don't want to be a prisoner of my mind. I want to be open. I want to be free. And if I can entertain, educate, cure my boredom, become a better writer in the process... All the better. I guess it's like self-help. LoL.

I'm probably going to revamp this danish again. I'll probably write with more clarity, more honesty, and be more raw. I will do it for me, for you, for us. Even if only one person reads, that'll be awesome. So... Soon enough, I'll make a comeback. Right now though, I'm off to read FunkyBlackChick and Black Girl On Campus and things. :)

-Jasmine

THE BLACK SNOB

2008-08-12T14:56:00.006-04:00

I was going to update my blog on some other topic and I may still do that later but I had to share with you part of the reasoning I often miss writing in my own blog...

The reason is, I am too busy over at the The Black Snob salivating over her words and rejoicing in the fact that she's like me, only older, smarter, and wiser. I love to write, sort of... But I don't like to try at it. I almost want to reject being good at it. When I read her posts, I am reminded of when I would be assigned a topic in some class that I really wanted to talk about and I would show out. I would be the example that the professor uses for the other students when he/she eventually tells them all that they need to re-write their papers. This is what yours should have looked like. The thing is, The Black Snob is always a step above the rest. I read a lot of blogs but I am fickle and I get tired of themes and concepts very easily but never with her. I think I have a crush on her blog. I am permanently on the lookout for what she has to say about everything. I concede on topics I know I will never be able to touch on like her.

I guess I should say what prompted me to write this... She has written a piece on the perceived elitism (or uppity negroism) or Obama that is a must read. I'm sure most people who read my danish at least know of The Black Snob but for those of you who don't or those of you who have clicked and only skimmed, I am letting you know what you are missing. The Black Snob, or Ms. Danielle Belton, is exactly what the world doesn't want you to know that people like me can be. Black women can express their opinions without being angry, we can admit our flaws, we can be superficial, funny, insightful, creative, and more. You cannot pigeonhole us forever. We come in variety packs.

Anyway, please click any of the links and enjoy. She also does a lot of her own art for the blog too. Talent.

WHAT'S REALLY (MOTHERFUCKIN) GOING ON?

2008-08-10T18:15:00.005-04:00

BERNIE MAC IS GIVING YOU (and I mean the collective you) THE SIDE EYE BECAUSE HE AND I BOTH WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?!!!

First Bernie Mac, NOW ISAAC HAYES.

That's right people, BLACK MOSES or that dude who sang Shaft or Chef (depending on who you are) is dead. I was quietly mourning the death of my favorite muhfucka Bernie Mac when I hear this on the news. Something in the milk ain't clean [(c) Crunk & Disorderly] on this shit right here. Morgan Freeman was in an accident, Bernie Mac is dead, Isaac Hayes is dead... WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

I can't take this. I'm gonna go listen to the Black Moses album on a record player and watch The Original Kings Of Comedy (minus the D.L. Hughley parts).

Enjoy this clip from The Original Kings Of Comedy

Improper Stannin

2008-08-09T06:06:00.005-04:00

y stannin game was not proper earlier this week. I knew the remix video to "Everyone Nose" by N*E*R*D featuring CRS & Pusha T had premiered but I didn't bother to blog about it. What is really going on? Me pass up an opportunity to stan for Lupe and talk about some black menz I want do drop it off in my drawers... Seems nuts. Anyway, here's the video. Watch it. Look for my commentary underneath.

"Everyone Nose (Remix)" N*E*R*D feat. CRS & Pusha T

I guess nobody told Kanye that the "any black inside you" line would be corny as all hale.
I love you Lupe, but that "high" shit got extra annoying.
Pharrell killed it, with his wormy looking ass.
Pusha T, killed it.
Lupe looked EXTRA scrumptous in it.

Subject: apology....... :0( [Straight from the MySpace Presses!!!]

2008-08-09T05:46:00.006-04:00

Hello Hello! The queen of the hiatus is back (temporarily). I have had so many things going on which I will hopefully be able to unfold for all of you in a series of posts. The first is a little update of Mr. Black-White-Girl Fetish. Mr. Black-White-Girl Fetish is from a post called, "I AM NOBODY'S FETISH." If you aren't familiar with the story or you need a refresher, I will give a little back story but the full story is at the links.

Anywho, I met this guy who seemed nice, we were getting along until... He decided to tell me that the reason he liked me is because he like black girls who act white. He touched a nerve with that one. I was livid. Any chance of romance was dead. I continued to talk to him anyway because his fawning over me was both comical and flattering... This was, until, I read his MySpace blogs that declared that he will not date or marry a black girl. Only a thick, caucasian and or "foreign type" female. I confronted him on the issue, hit him with my realness and he didn't like it too much. I posted our conversation on here and linked his MySpace... LoL. Anyway, he has written me back to apologize for disrespecting me and women in general. Well... He probably just wants to fuck me. Here's what he wrote to me; I didn't respond but if someone has a good suggestion to what I should say to him, that'd be amazing.

Just wanted to say sry 4 actin like an asshole last time we talked. I just
wanted to know if I could still be ur friend? I dont know when you will get this but I am going back to school in a few weeks. Mayb I will run into u at a club or movies. *wink wink* ttys..

He's just trying to get in my pants, I am not that stupid. In other news, I want these shoes.

*Sorry for runons, I'm falling asleep as I type.

"I WILL POP THE TRUTH IN YOUR ASS!"

2008-07-24T12:18:00.004-04:00

In case you missed, my favorite rap-hop star, Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones, was on The Colbert Report last night. It was a great episode in general, especially the Nas parts. You can watch the full episode (at The Colbert Report's official Comedy Central website) here but I'm going to post a YouTube video of all the Nas parts. I would suggest you guys watch this stuff now before Viacom deletes it from memory forever (you know how they hate seeings Negroes do anything other than... Just watch BET and MTV, I don't need to explain that one). Earlier they had up single clips of the Nas interview and performance and they've already removed them... What's next? You know they'll be all over any YouTube and Dailymotion clips. Anyway, here's the video for however long it lasts.

You can also watch the Nas stuff here for however long they last.

Neglectful By Nature

2008-07-22T12:50:00.001-04:00

Because I'm (quite possibly) the world's worst procrastinator (and blogger) and because I'm unfocused, lazy, and generally neglectful of anything but children, I (once again) let my danish go a week+ without an update. Now, in fairness to my laziness, I wrote a blog yesterday about new music but I wrote it in the wrong blog and it didn't copy like I thought it did and anybody as lazy as me was NOT about to write another one. ;) If someone finds a cure for lazocity, please let me know.

ALSO, I am currently on the search for an extremely fey (copyright The Black Snob) picture of R&B singer Lloyd for my currently stalking section. I'd really like it if someone could give me one from the Girls Around the World video with his hair all pressed out. IDK why but his King Tut/Cleopatra thing is working for me.

Ohh, and if you didn't know I do share a blog with one of my best friends (Cara) that had been dead for over a month but now we are back on our plans to be a muthafuckin menace (copyright Tupac). You should check us out, especially if you love randomness.

Jasmine + Cara = Jazzurrah

You won't be sorry. ;)

Monday Randomness...

2008-07-14T14:27:00.009-04:00

I know it wouldn't seem like it but Lupe Fiasco is NOT my favorite rapper.... Nas is. ;) That being said, the anticipation of his album is killing me. I'm being bombarded with leaks... Tripping over them, Last.fm is even trying to throw them at me! But, I refuse to listen until tomorrow! Everyone should hit Best Buy, iTunes, Amazon, Tar-Jay, F.Y.E., Record & Tape Traders, Circuit City, Tower Records (does that still exist???), Virgin Megastore, whatever and wherever because it's Nas and it will be amazing. Or... If you're cheap or you hate Nas, download it and listen and enjoy or continue your hate. All I know is I can't wait for tomorrow!!!

For all of you who read/will read my post called "Dear Black Man" I wanted to clear something up. I do not hate black men... And that's the last time I'm saying that. I hate the relationships I've had with black specific black men... So yes, I did decide I won't pursue black men anymore. Pursue... Meaning, I won't initiate. Are we clear? How does a self-professed Lupe fanatic hate black men? This is my personal ad: I'm looking for... Well, not looking for but hopes that a Lupe Fiasco type (or how I presume Lupe Fiasco is) will come my way. DMXs, Ja Rules, Lil Waynes, Jay-Zs, Kanyes, Soulja Boys, and Eminems need not apply! (Nasirs and Black Thoughts are also acceptable.) If you are a Lupe or you know a Lupe, please send information and photos to
TheNewLisaTurtle@gmail.com; it would be much appreciated!!! LoL.

Ohh, watch the PSA because it's cute and funny!

Ohh those boys are much too much!!!

Dear Black Man

2008-07-09T08:05:00.005-04:00

To whom it may concern
If it were to concern you at all
I am informing the collective you
that after years of being beaten down
mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually
I am finally giving up
gathering what's left of myself and retreating
Black man - It's time to quit you

I won't let you leave me unloved and unmarried
Single mother of three
Fifteen years of you and no wedding ring
I won't let you turn me into a lesbian
Too traumatized to let a man touch me again
I will simply seek other opportunities
Somewhere in this world I'll be appreciated for me
I just don't think it will be a Black man

The Black man did not find me reason enough to
put down the bottle, stop all the whoring
and just raise his damn child
The only thing he gave me was
his nose, his vices, his smile, and his fucked up attitude

Black man I call my brother saw fit to lay hands on me
And no, I don't mean spiritually
Fists turned into punches, hands turned into slaps
Spit in my face as you tickle me until I cry
You told me no man should ever put his hands on me
Yet, you beat me down on a regular basis
Offering love for me as your reasoning
And to think, you're the only man I've ever really trusted

Black man, you sure like to touch me
Wandering eyes led to wandering hands
No permission was granted but that didn't matter
Terrified three-year-old felt something wasn't right
But your threats bought you time in the form of my silence
Eleven-years-old, your hands trespass on thighs
This time, I'm old enough to know to run
Like I wish I could have those times at 19 you got me
drunk enough to take advantage of my inexperience and innocence

The Black man wants my fruit
without putting in any of the labor
and I know I could never depend on you to be there
If by chance I were to go into labor
You won't even commit to showing up at my house on time
And a relationship is out of the question
The only thing you understand is "friends with benefits"
Where you're the only "friend" that benefits
While I hug my sheets, watching you dress
I realize your pretense and this is just another way to use me

Even when you and I become involved
You take it upon yourself to run down a list
of everything YOU THINK is wrong with me
You like my curly hair but you think it's too short
It makes you wonder if I'm "mixed with something"
My in between skin, however, does not please you
I catch you staring at my high school pictures on the wall
You notice my hair was longer and my skin was lighter
Then you tell me that I could have your babies
because I "got good hair"
but we'd probably have to keep them out of the sun
You are shocked I don't find this complimentary

You tell me I need to lose some weight
Even though I haven't gained any since you met me
Two months after we break up you're dating some white girl
AT LEAST 20 lbs. heavier than me with NO ASS
And even if she has an ass it's no bigger than mine
But you treasure hers because she's a white girl
when the same ass was just "aiight" on me
You value my features on a white canvas
But on brown paper they're commonplace

The black man loves to be contradictory
because I'm apparently "too white" for you
You don't care that I'm a product of my environment
All you can see is that I can name more than ten John Mayer songs
My fondness for subject-verb agreement upsets you
The only reason you're talking to me is to see if I can
put you on to one of my cute white girlfriends
or because you think I can fulfill that sick black-white-girl fetish of yours
You smile coyly as you tell me I'm the best of both worlds
A black girl on the outside, white girl on the inside
This is how you repay me for not being a Viacom stereotype

The black man accuses me of having too much self-esteem
You say I think too highly of myself
When the reality is after having you crush me for twenty-one years
I've realized only I can guarantee myself love
Reinforced when the man I am taught to call King
Gladly spits on the image of the woman that bore him
You will never share your strength with me
Why fault me for having my own?

Black man will say I am generalizing him...
And I am... And I don't care
I refuse to waste my life and my time
on men who don't really want me, who see me as the fallback
You want to use me up, have me play backdoor ho
until you find whatever it is that you're looking for

BLACK WOMEN need to wake up to what stares us in the face
We remain the most unmarried demographic because
Black men gave up on us first
Black men decided we were no longer desirable
and we continue to chase after your asses
When we could really just look elsewhere

After all these years black man
I never thought I'd being saying this to you
but I see why society turns its nose up at you
Don't be upset with me black man, you drove me here
but I will not let you ruin me
Instead, I will turn my back on you
just like you did to me, twenty-one years ago

Things I Should Probably Keep To Myself [3/3191987]

2008-07-07T14:42:00.011-04:00

Maybe I've been missing Louisiana... Or Eli... Or something... But I've been drunk, A LOT lately... More than usual. I've been partying nearly everyday and the comedowns have all resulted in serious soul searching and I've come to realize a lot of things about myself and my life. Photographic proof is the source for some of these realizations.

1. I tend to kiss people when I'm plastered.

Now this isn't usually a problem being that it's usually on the cheek or something but there have been quite a few times, especially recently, that I've straight made out with people that I have no romantic feelings for when I'm drunk. I don't know what this is about, I don't even like making out when I'm SOBER. One of these times led me to declaring war on my beloved Grey Goose vodka and saying I'd never get drunk again... I went out later that night and got plastered. I am lucky that more people do not have pictures of me kissing random folk... At least these two girls are my good friends. ;) BTW... I didn't even remember taking this pic but was all "lol" when I got tagged to it on Facebook.

2. My tolerance is way too high for my own good.

Perhaps I should rethink the word tolerance in terms of drinking because I figure since I know what and how much will make me puke... I can drink until I am incoherent as long as I don't puke. See that picture -- That's me on the 4th of July (hell no I didn't wear red, white, and blue) and that liquid you see in that cup is not water... THAT IS HOW MUCH GREY GOOSE I POURED INTO MY CUP before adding cranberry juice. There's only about 2 cubs of ice in it and that was my second cup... See how proud I am that I'm about to crush that much goose? I also had several jello shots and something called a juicy fruit... And it actually tasted like the gum, or at least it did when I was hammered. I don't know. Now this is what I remember drinking or what the pictures remembered me drinking. I just never stop until my body gives me the warning that I might throw up... That's the only thing that will get me to stop drinking (besides running out of liquor). If my "tolerance" were lower I wouldn't get so drunk and I could probably prevent myself from making out with people.

3. I club too much.

(I want to start off by saying that is not the same shirt from the 4th of July... This picture is actually from the 5th and it's a Shiress, not a shirt.) When I turned 18, I loved the club and then I hated clubbing for like 2 years+ and I don't know what happened but now I'm a club fiend. Actually, I think what happened is I started hanging out with the girl in the picture (Stephy b.k.a. Kelly Kapowski) too damn much. The thing is, when I think about it... I don't even know why I like to club so much. I get hating bitches accidentally spilling drinks on me 5x in one night, scary Africans/Jamaicans who don't understand, "Nah, I'm good" trying to ~~rape~~ dance with me, I always seem lame people I know from high school I've been trying to avoid... I could go on with my run-on. For some reason though, I continue to club on a regular basis. I will probably be out this Thursday because... That's what I do. The worst part is my usual establishment, Iguana Cantina (as seen on the on the photostamp), isn't particularly classy or full of fine ass men... I just like the open bar and cheap cover... Ohh, and my favorite bartender. See, I have a favorite bartender. This is a problem.

I guess the true realization is that I'm a social alcoholic. Ohh well. Hope you all had a good weekend.

Thanks For Reminding Me!

2008-06-26T02:45:00.001-04:00

Adding to the list of reasons I am an outcast in the black community; I would like to take this time to acknowledge my lack of religion. I am not a good Christian; I wouldn't even call myself a Christian. I do not practice any form of religion at all. I oscillate between what they call "mild or weak agnosticism" and "agnostic theism." Basically, I don't rule out the possibility of a God (I mostly believe there is one) but I don't see the evidence behind it and such. More importantly, I choose not to commit myself to any one religion.

None of this matters to most Christian black folk that I encounter because as soon as I say the words, "I am not religious," I might as well be an atheist. The holier-than-thou attitude infuriates me. I do not disrespect their views or their religious beliefs so why the disrespect of mine? When they're going on and on and on about what God has done for them and how I need to let God into my life, I don't tell them that they sound like brain-washed fools even if that is how they sound to me. No, I don't think all religious people are brain-washed fools but I don't believe that everything horrible that has ever happened to me in my life happened wouldn't have happened or would have somehow not been as horrific if I were a Christian.

Around the age of 9 or 10, I completely denounced all religion and refused to ever go back to church again while eating cheese fries in a Wendy's. When I tell this to people they say, "My mom would have never let me do that!" "My mom would have whooped my ass!" What these people don't understand is the "I don't want to go to church anymore" battle started at about 3. I'm saying this to say she fought for at least 6 years but she finally gave up when she realized I was dead serious. I didn't want to go sit in some building and stare in the faces of known hypocrites dancing in aisles, shouting, and then going back home to beat their wives, drink themselves to death, molest children, etc. I don't say this to say this is how all churches are but this is what I was growing up around and this was my perspective so I got a very bad view of church at a young age.

Fast forward and I'm all grown up and some of my friends think they can sway me; they continually invite me to church with them. They all tell me the same thing, "My church isn't like that." By that they mean any complaint I may have about any previous church. My experiences with all these churches vary; I went to one on and off for a little while in attempt to become more religious thinking it would make me happier but it didn't, it just made me feel fake. There were several that I walked out on because I guess I came on the day that they decided to spew hate against homosexuals and I really couldn't stand for that. At this point in my life, I feel like I've given the religious life a chance and I know it's not for me. I don't expect that everyone is going to accept my lifestyle, I'm not stupid. I just find it annoying when I'm attacked because I don't share someone else's beliefs.

Tonight/this morning I called to check in on a friend who just always seems to be frazzled. She told me she was going back home to Kentucky (from Atlanta) and that she had gotten herself right with God. I said good, because I truly meant it and I know that her relationship with her God is very important to her. She asked me how I've been and I told her I'm alright except I haven't been sleeping and then she proceeds to preach to me for at least 45 minutes about how I can't sleep because I'm not right with God. At first I listened and just let her go on because I've learned it's best not argue with religious people about religion but then she pissed me off. I had told her their were reasons why I walk around with so much pain but I don't always share them with people because I don't wish to be that person who complains about their rough life. It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am and what I've been through but I don't wish to dwell on it and bring others down with it. Somehow, she decides that the devil and I are having a pity party and that's why I can't sleep. This is when I told her I don't know this devil of which you speak and I don't pity myself or expect anyone else to pity me and I said, "Bad things happen, all the time. Life is never going to be peaches and roses for everybody and I know even though I'm in pain a lot of the time somebody's got it worse." So then she tells me, "Well, I don't mean to make your pain sound menial but bad stuff happens all the time so... It's your choice." This is when I raised my voice at her and screamed and let her know that just because bad things happen does not mean it's okay and none of what has happened to me (that I can't get over) has been my fault.

I know all religious people are not like this but I run into this all the time. It's crazy to me that they judge me so harshly when they don't know my circumstance. I could have sworn they were supposed to leave the judgement to their God. If you are right and I burn in hell, so be it. It is my soul and my life, right? I wonder how many of them could have lived my life and come out unscathed, still holding on to blind faith. Sometimes it feels like that if I were a child molester but a devout Christian, I'd get a pass from these people but since I'm just a person trying to do the right thing as much as possible who doesn't like to go to church then I'm the worst kind of heathen. I don't get these people but I would like to thank my "friend" and everyone like her for reminding me why I denounced religion in that Wendy's in the first place!

STANNIN AT IT'S FINEST

2008-06-23T14:11:00.004-04:00

I'm about to bring you some news you probably don't care about but I'm going to tell you anyway.

So my big sis Shay calls around 1:57pm EST to alert me that the jam of the week on MTV Jams is none other than my husband (who recently reached over 1,000 plays on my last.fm) Lupe Fiasco with his OVER two-month old video for "Paris, Tokyo."

I literally RAN to the TV to see my man in hi-definition... And let me tell you, he looks delicious. So I'll be the Lupe stan I am and post the video AGAIN (Yes, when it first came out I posted it) and watch it as much as possible on MTV Jams (Love, Love).

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [4/95454521545]

2008-06-20T23:22:00.001-04:00

Today I present a very special edition of Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle, an edition that has been about 5-6 days in the making (ya girl been busy!). I have disturbing and exciting news for you lovely people, your girl, Lisa M. Turtle has a CRUSH. Now I know some of you don't know me like that but trust me when I say it is a rarity for me to develop one these nasty little diseases.

(A little backstory)
Kelly Kapowski and I hit the club on Saturday (not our usual night but I was celebrating becoming a valid 21-year old again*) and we were looking extra fly. Saturday is also, unfortunately, the day my dear friend Elisha Adams passed so I was trying my damndest to keep it together and hold it down Scorpio style for him. Upon arrival at the bar Kelly notices a dude with a MOHAWK (yep, mohawk) and stars shaved on the sides of his head (yep, stars too)! We were at the bar ridiculing homeboy, just straight crackin' on him! Then we get out on the dance floor we both notice that he is actually quite cute (for a "white boy") and dancing with an ugly, possibly mildly retarded girl and I decide it is my mission to get him. So I pull a fast one on ol' girl -- I do the switch-a-roo and get at my man. I then realize that this is no white boy... THIS IS A PUERTO RICAN. LoL, he totally thought I was Dominican and that Kelly Kapowski was Puerto Rican (she's Sicilian) but that's okay... Happens to us often. So I am just showing out... Grindin' all up on him, ended up making out with him... SO NOT MY USUAL STYLE!!! I even gave him my number... I give no one my number!

So he gets kicked out for defending his sister but he calls me when I'm on my way home and I end up seeing him later that night. We've been talking everyday since but he unfortunately lives in Philly and right now he's actually visiting Puerto Rico. I don't know why but this crush has not subsided, it has only gotten worse. I've been watching MTV TR3S, thinking about my middle school Latino boyfriends, and staring at Jon Seda**. I don't know what do with myself... I know I said I wanted an Asian man but right now I'm thinking Puerto Ricans are where it's at. For those of you who don't know me like that let me just say that under no circumstances have I shown attraction for Latino men past the age of 14... In fact, I haven't shown a fondness for anything other than black men in the last 3 or 4 years! This new obsession is leaving my friends speechless! ¡No soy dominicana pero quiero un boricua! (I apologize for any bad Spanish I may have used.)

Well, at least I was given inspiration for this mixtape. Please enjoy the lunchin' cover inspired/stolen from the movie I Like It Like That and if you haven't seen it... GET ON THAT. IT'S A CLASSIC.

I present to you, Lisa Turtle: Lisa y Chino<3 (The Crush Mixtape)

Get it here.

01. Love At First Sight - Kyle Minogue
02. Swing My Way - KP & Enyvi
03. Whine Up (Feat. Elephant Man) - Kat Deluna
04. If - Janet Jackson
05. Irresistible - Jessica Simpson
06. Toxic - Britney Spears
07. Crush - Jennifer Paige
08. Baby - Brandy
09. Infatuation - Christina Aguilera
10. 1Thing - Amerie
11. C.R.U.S.H. - Ciara
12. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom - Selena
13. 2 Of You - Danity Kane
14. Baby Boy (Feat. Sean Paul) - Beyoncé
15. I Want You - Erykah Badu
16. Take My Time - J*Davey
17. A Long Walk - Jill Scott
18. Underneath The Stars - Mariah Carey
19. 4 Page Letter - Aaliyah
20. See You Again - Miley Cyrus

*A few weeks ago Kelly Kapowski lost our lives at the club (IDs, money, camera, phones, LIP GLOSS) and I was rocking an expired ID until recently... I have a valid ID again. :)
**I've had a thing for Jon Seda since I Like It Like That and Selena*** put it OVER THE TOP for me.
***If you haven't seen Selena you suck at LIFE.

I Like The Celtics But I HATE Boston.

2008-06-16T02:02:00.005-04:00

I write this for peace of mind.
I write this because I cannot express myself through other means.
I write this because I am thinking of things that I never thought.

I never thought this would happen to someone that I know... knew.
I never thought that the last time I saw you would be the last time I'd ever see you again but it was and I hate myself for not remembering what you were wearing.
I never thought I'd regret all the petty arguments.
I never thought you wouldn't see your 21st birthday.

I don't have the right to fall apart now.
I have to hold it together for your sister, my friend -- the woman I call my sister because she is a big sister to me. She is hands down one of the best people I've ever known and my whole being hurts for her because I know how much she hurts right now. Someone has taken you and even though she were not the one who bore you, you are basically her first born. Nobody wants to bury their child.

So now the tears fall.
The questions are asked...
What were the circumstances?
What was this over?
Why was a 15-year-old out so late?

And I try to hold it together but I have to admit I don't handle these things very well. I don't handle death very well especially when the circumstances are so terrible. Twenty years. That's it. That's how long you lived. You will never get to not need your fake ID. I don't care how silly that sounds but you loved SoCo and Lime and you will never get to LEGALLY buy some.

I'm just so angry.
All of the lives this will affect.
You were a presence.
...Not a person anyone could ever forget.
You will not only be missed but you will be mourned.
I, personally, have never had so many arguments and good times with a person in such a short amount of time.

This 15-year-old boy...
He has ended your life and ruined his.
Whatever his reason for stabbing you, this mess has resulted in the destruction of two lives, two families...
I do not feel for him though.
I do not feel bad for his family.
I only feel anger and pain and hurt and resentment and...

AND WHY CAN'T I FIND YOUR NAME IN THE NEWS?
WHY CAN'T I FIND SOMETHING IN BOSTON OR SURROUNDING AREAS THAT SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOU???
THIS ASSAULT HAS TURNED INTO A HOMICIDE. DON'T THEY JUST LOVE SHIT LIKE THIS? LET'S GET THE REACTION FROM THE VICTIM'S FAMILY!

That's my anger taking over again but I just want to scream at everyone who doesn't understand why I'm just so damn mad.

They say your blood wouldn't clot.
It made no sense to keep giving you blood.
There was nothing more they could do.

And now that's what stands in your place... Nothing.
And all I can do is wish you never went to Boston but wishing is never going to bring you back or change it. I'm not going to wake up from this nightmare because this is all real. You are never coming back. I'll never cuss you out again. We'll never get fucked up again. You'll never tell me "PEEP" before every important thing you say again. No more "Heeeyyyyy white girrrl" to random chicks in grocery stores. No more having you tell me I'm a "fuckin' lunchbox" after almost everything I say. I hope to never forget these memories.

But anyway, I got our picture up on my MySpace and my Facebook and people will laugh because we're both drunk in it and they'll say who is that boy with you???

And I'll tell them all... His name IS Elisha T. Adams and he will ALWAYS be my friend. That is something no bold 15-year-old with a knife, no doctors, no God, NOBODY could ever take away.

Friends of the Time or Friends of Like Mind

2008-06-11T01:52:00.001-04:00

Lately when I think of most of my closet friends I start to wonder, "Are we growing up and/or growing apart?" In general, I've had most of the same friends since elementary school but it seems like the people I hang with most are newer editions to my life. I'm not trying to put anyone on the back burner but sometimes I feel like my older friends don't get me anymore. I want to hang with my older friends so badly but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to try so hard. On the other hand if I don't do something maybe all my friendships will end up like me and the girl in the picture on the right.

She and I were the best of friends, inseparable really (but I guess not.) That picture is not even 3 years old. I have a sneaky feeling it's just over two years old but I'm not sure. She and I barely talk anymore and I'm not really sure what happened. I put no blame on anyone, I really think that was just the way it ended up. We're not on bad terms. If she ever needed anything I'd be there and she knows it and I truly feel it's the same for me but I wonder how best friends become old friends and it only takes a few months. Those who know us probably thought it was a long time coming but I don't know... Now that it's all said and done I'm down one best friend and that doesn't feel so great.

I hate that quote about people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... It seriously irks me. I don't know why it is that I hate almost anything that rationalizes why life sucks sometimes. I do like this quote though and it's basically rationalizing the same thing: There are two kinds of friends, friends of time and friends of like mind.

When I look at that I wonder if it's true and then I get sad all over again because (as I said) I feel like most of my friends don't get me. So are they all friends of the time? I want to be able to have a bridesmaid at my wedding that I've known since 2nd grade! I want Jinnelle to be my maid of honor because that's the way I always planned it. I want my kids to call these people "Auntie" and "Uncle" so-and-so but the way things are going I don't know anymore.

So I guess it's not the growing up I have a problem with (no matter how slow I am at doing it, lol) but it's the growing apart that's killing me. Someone said you never have to change your friends if you understand that friend's change but I don't believe that. I can accept that people change but it doesn't mean that I have to accommodate your changes. I don't owe any of my friends unconditional love.

I know this post kind of rambled but I really am blown. I just don't want to look back at my life and have a billion pictures of people I don't know anymore.

I Just Sat Silent For 8 Minutes and 39 Seconds...

2008-06-09T23:33:00.001-04:00

I suppose as punishment for not being on the computer all day I am the last to know Nas's video for "Be A Nigger Too" has premiered! I cannot hold in my excitement! The video is beautifully shot and very powerful. Although I still feel "N.I.G.G.E.R (Slave & Master)" is a better song and parts of this video would have fit better with that song. (Part of that song can be heard at the end of the video for "Be A Nigger Too".) Anyway, who cares what I have to say... Here's the video!

Happiness, Birthdays, Clubbing, Ho-ING, ETC.

2008-06-05T16:07:00.002-04:00

Hey y'all! Your favorite gangstafied suburbanite is in a ridiculously good mood! I'm going out tonight (OBVIOUSLY, it IS Thursday) and I'm gonna make it a fishnets night.

A good friend of mine turned 21 today!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONITA RENE'E!

In addition, I'm listening to my husband Lupe and I haven't in a minute.

Okay, pointless post! Ohh well! I'm happy! All you Anne Arundel County-ens can catch Lisa Turtle at the most over-hyped mall in MD in an hour or so. I'm off to get some ho-cessories. PLEASE ENJOY THIS OBAMA/EDWARDS MACRO:

(Representative of Stephy and I whenever we stunt on these hos!)

----------------
Now playing: Lupe Fiasco - Go Baby (Feat. GemStones)
via FoxyTunes

OMFG THE CARPS

2008-06-04T23:14:00.003-04:00

About a year ago my home-skillet Les hipped me to a little Canadian duo known as The Carps. If I could pinpoint their sound I'd totally define it here but I can't. I've heard they're afro-punk but I'll prefer to just label them as awesome. From the first note of the first song that auto-played on their MySpace about a year ago, I was immediately enthralled. I just think they are made of WIN. To date, they only have two EPs (The Young & Passionate Days of Carpedia and Waves & Shambles) and they are in my last.fm top artists (Number 3 actually, 397 plays and less than 15 songs). Getting to the point, they've got a new video out and since I've decided to stan for somebody other than Lupe for a change. Enjoy "Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames." (I know the video isn't that special but the song is the shit.)

*Personal Note: Like many other black men mentioned in this danish, the lead singer (Jahmal Tonge) made this list.

FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!

2008-06-03T20:10:00.006-04:00

~~ONLY 4 DELEGATES NEEDED!!!~~

BARACK OBAMA IS THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE!!!

SORRY HILLARY... :'(
(I'm not really...)

AND JUST BECAUSE I LOVE THIS PICTURE...

I AM NOBODY'S FETISH

2008-05-31T13:04:00.003-04:00

((Disclaimer: This is an unusually long post for me but it is something that is true life and I feel many people (black women especially) can relate.))

As it has been explained, Lisa Turtle has spent a good portion of her life being the only black girl around. This has provided her with a severe lack of close black friends (especially girls) and ridicule for having a tendency to appreciate several things deemed "white" (many of which have appeared in Stuff White People Like). I may have also mentioned that I used to be a white boy connoisseur, mainly because I didn't know very many black boys who actually dated black girls. Since turning 18, I have had not trouble finding black men but every so often a little issue comes up with the some of the ones who show interest in me.

It has come to my attention that I am often the transition or "test" black girl for those black men who have never dated or "messed with" a black girl. INITIALLY, this fact never bothered me. I can admit that (though I have no problem with interracial dating, LET'S BE CLEAR ON THAT) I was actually kind of proud of it. I even, jokingly, referred to myself as the "white girl dream crusher," meaning that I crush the dream or ideal that "white is right." This was all fine in dandy in my head, I was happy to help bring some "brothas" back to the dark side... This was until I was discussing with a guy how I noticed that many guys who only date white girls tend to express interest in me to which he replied:

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS; A BLACK GIRL WITH A WHITE GIRL MENTALITY.

I cannot explain how much that one statement pissed me off. I began to reevaluate the relationships I had with all of these guys who previously seemed completely disinterested in black girls at all. Did they too think this way about me? I tried to put this out of my mind but recently, someone picked at the scab. I met this guy who is... Well, to be honest, I don't really think he's cute but my friends do and since I'm somewhat shallow I appreciated this... Anyway, I met this guy and he seemed nice and all that jazz until he up and says to me,

I only date white girls or black girls who act white, and that's why I like you... Because you act white.

Those who know me know that I can't stand that... I hate when people say I "act" white mainly because I don't try to act any certain way. I just am who I am. After he told me that I was completely turned off but me being me I just kind of let him continue to fawn over me because... Well, that's just what I do (if I'm being honest). This was until I happened to read his blogs on MySpace. Please enjoy this excerpt:

I am looking for a Caucasian or foreign type of female. Educated, sort of thick, no kids, religious and very down to earth. PERSONAL NOTE: I LOVE my black sisters but I DON'T want to have any kids or marry one nor am I messing with a female in the past. FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS and I am leaving it at that.

Again, me being me, I could not let this go. I was completely pissed that he would even bother to pursue me when he feels my entire race is beneath him. So I commented, simply saying "What is your gripe with black women?" Enjoy the conversation that followed (and I apologize on behalf of humanity for his stupidity).

Him: Black women will always be known to be nubian princesses in my heart. My future woman will be caucasian though I feel as though a caucasian women will best suite my future wants and needs.

Me:
1. I hope you know that makes no sense.
2. I don't appreciate you trying to get at me (even if you don't try anymore) when you feel as though it is beneath you to date my entire race.
3. If you love black women so much and they are your nubian princesses then why do you feel one will never be good enough to meet your standards?
4. Do you realize it is self-hatred when you are basically saying white is right and black is wrong?
5. I hope no woman, black, white, "foreign" or whatever falls for your ridiculous brand of fetishism.

P.S.: I also did not appreciate you telling me that you liked me because you like black girls who "act white."

Him:
1) we hung out one time
2) this is a FREE COUNTRY, I can choose who I want to date w/o being crticized
3) If you don't like my blog, DON'T COMMENT ON IT because I wasn't expecting negative feedback
4) If you want to delete yourself from my page, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO SO!

THANKS...

Me:
1. I know we hung out one time and I don't believe you saw me trying to hang with you more than that.
2. I don't actually care who you date but I was standing up for MY RACE (you know, the one you're a part of too) and I don't think anyone should limit who they fall in love with based on RACE.
3. YES, IT IS A FREE COUNTRY AND THEREFORE I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO MY OPINIONS.
4. If you want to control who can read your blogs DO SO but being that you have them out in the open I guess you want people to read them... You cannot control the way people feel, think, and react.
5. Going through my friends to find and delete you is not worth the time being that you pose no threat to me.
6. I love how you didn't address any of the points that I made.

BUT, BY ALL MEANS, CONTINUE TO DO YOU.

I would post the rest of our conversation but it's kind of irrelevant (to sum it up for those of you who are curious he tried to smooth the situation over and I was not having it so then he told me he deleted me on MySpace, deleted my friend Stephanie, deleted my number, deleted messages, etc.).

I should be offended, right? He and other little boys (because that's what they are) like him try to make me feel as though I should feel privileged to pass their white enough black girl test. I don't feel privileged or honored, I feel disgusted. I start to wonder why these lame-asses are attracted to me (other than the reason they state) and I wonder what I am doing to give off that vibe. Then I throw it all in the air and decide it's their own ignorance and it's not my problem but I can't lie, it definitely bothers me. I'm not willing to be a taste of chocolate for some white man so I for damn sure won't be some black man's black-white girl fetish. What the hell is that? I need thoughts on this topic. Please help your girl out!

OHH, AND THIS IS THAT BAMMA'S MYSPACE. BLACK WOMEN, SCRATCH THAT... WOMEN BETWEEN MARYLAND AND PENNSYLVANIA, STAY AWAY. HE ATTENDS KEYSTONE COLLEGE AND YES I AM PUTTING HIM ON BLAST.

WHO DAT IS? DAT JUSS MAH BABY DADDY!

2008-05-29T18:23:00.001-04:00

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD?

TMZ has reported that some 50-year-old woman (Jaymes Foster, little sister to legendary music mogul David Foster and bff to Ms. Aiken herself) got her eggo preggo courtesy of CLAY AIKEN. YES, CLAY AIKEN. LET ME SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME, CLAY AIKEN GOT SOMEBODY PREGNANT! Now wipe that disturbing image out of your mind... It is reportedly through artificial insemination (obviously) but, yes, someone chose that mug to produce a baby with. It saddens me to think someone was that desperate. Did she not think of the ridicule she AND her child would receive? *Sigh* First Znorflack invades TRL and now this...

The Alien Formerly Known As Usher Speaks!

2008-05-28T13:04:00.008-04:00

Call me a hater if you want to but I refuse to refer to that creature posing as the formerly ridiculously sexy black man that made 8701 "Usher." Perhaps I should give him a new, crazy alien name -- Znorflack. I was flipping through the channels yesterday and saw Znorflack on TRL and I watch as he breaks out into this rant, fiercely defending his leader Tameka (you know, the woman who abducted or "married" the real Usher). I have searched long and hard (not really) for a clip for your eyes to see. I'm also going to transcribe my favorite part in case VIACOM forces removal. Please enjoy Znorflack's rant:

HIGHLIGHTS

"I'm a now stepdad and as well as a dad to 'baby cinco' out there."
(I know that the baby is Usher Raymond V but really... BABY CINCO? SERIOUSLY?)

"MATTER OF FACT, I'm tired of people continuing to talk so much trash about me! You know what I'm sayin? Me and my relationship -- My wife is not 40 years old; I love her to death and I'm a black, strong man in America standing up for my people and -- as well, as as a man to my wife, to my son, to my family -- I'm making a stand that a lot of us should make. I could've been like any other man who have a child and just, you know, live with that woman and to continue to just, you know, play the game but... Differently, I'm tryna do it the right way. This is the way you should do it, PAY ATTENTION FELLAS!"
(So what you're saying is that Znorflack is here instead of Usher because Lt. Tameka created spawn possibly carrying his DNA??? Or if you are in fact Usher you only married her because she got knocked up??? Not a good thing to admit on National television Znorflack!)

(In reference to Lt. Tameka) "She's a beautiful black woman!"
(LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!)

BTW... Your new CD sucks Znorflack!

To Whom It May Concern

2008-05-26T19:58:00.002-04:00

To The Roots?!!!, Chrisette Michele, Wale, and any and all members involved in that abomination of a song called "Rising Up":

I (and several of my comrades) have tried HARD to like that song... But we can't. I am going to lay out a plan for you to make this song better because I (we) feel it was a good idea in theory but you all somehow missed the boat.

IN THEORY, the go-go beat was a good idea but it didn't sound quite go-go-ey... I think I figured out where it got messed up. If you would please take out the piano/keyboard/whatever the hell that is that comes in during parts of the song (especially when Chrisette Michele is singing) then the song will go down at least 18 points on the annoying meter. I'm talking more bongos less piano. NEEDS MORE COWBELL!

IN THEORY, having Chrisette Michele sing the hook was a good idea... IN THEORY. Look, I will set my feelings aside about the supreme annoying-ness of her voice in general for a second and say... I understand why she was chosen BUT her voice is not working. It's not pure or pretty enough to carry off jazziness into the mainstream or to make people who fine her absolutely annoying (and there are a lot of us) forget that she's singing the hook. My suggestion to you is that you swap her out for the lush vocals of Jill Scott and if she won't do it, find that chick from Floetry.

*DEEP SIGH* Wale Wale Wale. I really did want to love you Wale. "Born" in DC, raised MURRLIN (Maryland for the rest of you), I wanted you to be more than an off brand bastard child of Kanyeezy and Weezy. Now look Wale, your critics constantly say your flow is awkward and you are intent on proving them right in this song. You have repeatedly stated that Black Thought is your favorite rapper so why did you not come harder when getting to spit on a track with your favorite rapper. I can't rap for shit but if I could do a track with Nas I'm trying to have a B-Rabbit 8 MILE moment. Instead you give this wacksauce and worse you don't even bother to correct them on this jacked up go-go-ish sound. I expected more from you but then again I don't know why. Now why don't you stop being EXTRA with all the DC accent shit and talk like somebody from MOCO (you know what I mean.)

These are my main gripes with this song. I love Black Thought in the song. The lyrics are pretty good. Due to the aforementioned elements, the song just didn't work. I suggest you pay close attention to my suggestions (especially 1 and 2) and re-record the song. Or you can continue to be that almost really hot band.

Love,
Jasmine a.k.a. The New Lisa Turtle & The Management

Listen To The Abomination Here

ODE TO THE BEAVER STATE

2008-05-21T04:10:00.003-04:00

I would like to give say BIG UPS to Oregon because they said HELL NO to Hillary Clintron! Please enjoy this pointless post brought to you by lazy Google Image searches, Wikipedia, and Currah.

University of Portland (Cara's School) - PURPLE PRIDE WHAT!
Focus The Nation in Portland.

Somewhere in Portland.

Gay Pride in Portland.

Random pics (from Currah) of Portland.

I LOVE THIS FACE. ♥You Currah

Currah drankin a beer.

Cuteness in Oregon.

Clark Gable (a famous Oregonian) is a hot piece.

Tragic Figure Tonya Harding (Famous Oregonian)

Okay, I really just wanted a reason to appreciate the great state that houses my lover... Currah a.k.a. C. Delo a.k.a. Jessie Spano a.k.a. Cara.

And if you don't like this post:

Nas Drops The N-Bomb

2008-05-20T22:50:00.005-04:00

So I learned today that Nas has decided against naming his forthcoming album "Nigger" and the album will, reportedly, be untitled. I have to say this news is somewhat displeasing... Because I have not heard the album (obviously) I was never 100% sure that the title corresponded with the lyrical content but my faith in Nas (my favorite rapper - fuck the haters) made me believe that it couldn't just be a publicity ploy. Now that he has agreed to change the name of his album, I am kind of disappointed. I loved his "I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck" attitude towards the press, his record label, any and everyone who didn't like it. At the same time I understand why he would change the title... I can't see Target selling an album called NIGGER or Best Buy even. I'm also happy that he at least didn't rename it to something less powerful just to appease others... Leaving it untitled still preserves his original statement in a way.

You can read more about this here.

Now check out his new song, "N.I.G.G.E.R (The Slave and The Master)

XOXO Lisa Turtle

2008-05-14T04:20:00.009-04:00

Hey, Lisa Turtle here. For Those of you who don't know I am the most awesomest of black suburbanite ever. Anywho, sorry I've been neglectful of my duties (at least I got rid of that dreary blue) but so much has been going on. Now that the weather is getting nicer and summer is almost here I've got to live too. Well, let's get to it. You know you missed me. ;)

SIGHTINGS

I saw that my former hero MC married NC... WTF WAS SHE THINKING?

LFB at the Glow in The Dark Tour sans J's! TRAVESTY!

C online playing SCRABULOUS with LFB behind J's back!

J in the parking lot with her ex on Thursday... TRAMP.

J in the parking lot on Saturday with her other ex... SCANDALOUS.

Somebody is missing their period...

Well, that's it for now but have you heard the remix to "Everyone Nose" by N*E*R*D? It features Kanye, Lupe, Pusha T, and OBVIOUSLY Pharrell. Now that's a gangbang I'd like to be a part of.

And can we add him to the mix too?

XOXO, Lisa Turtle.

----------------
Now playing: Nas - Black Girl Lost (Feat. Jo-Jo Hailey)
via FoxyTunes

Anxiously Awaiting Results (Originally Posted in Jazzurah)

2008-05-06T21:54:00.004-04:00

In case you didn't know, my friend Currah and I have a danish called Jasmine + Cara = Jazzurrah and this is our latest post:

IF THE SEXY MAN YOU SEE BEFORE YOU BEATS THE CLINTRON IN INDIANA, CARA AND I WILL WRITE OBAMA ON OUR BOOBS!

That Darn Lisa!

2008-05-06T14:35:00.005-04:00

I keep disappearing and there are many reasons behind it but I'm trying to do better. I'm not just disappearing from my danish but in many aspects of my life... There's many reasons and when I figure out how to properly convey them to the people who care or can be helped from such experiences I will write them down and speak the words that need to be said.

Until then, I don't know what I'll write about or how often I'll write. I have ideas in my head but when I try to type it all out I quit. Hmm...

----------------
Now playing: Alicia Keys - Lesson Learned (Feat. John Mayer)
via FoxyTunes

Different does not mean deficient, it simply means different!

2008-04-29T03:38:00.012-04:00

This is a very special appreciation post for my Creole Colonel Sanders, the realest person in America (on TV anyway) right now, DAT DUDE, Rev. Dr. Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr.

JUST REMEMBER:
THEY DIDN'T LIKE KING IN 1967!
THEY DIDN'T LIKE MALCOLM IN 1968!
THEY DIDN'T LIKE FANNIE LOU IN '72!
THEY DIDN'T LIKE NELSON IN '88!
THEY DIDN'T LIKE JESUS, NO MATTER THE DATE!
THE WORLD STILL TAKES HIM OUT OF CONTEXT!
-Rev. Wendell Anthony

He has hate speech, listen to how bombastic he is.

Linguists knew that nobody in here speaks English but only black children 50 years ago were singled out as speaking bad English.

The nation's oldest civil rights organization has changed America's history. "Despite violence, intimidation, and hostile government policies, the NAACP and its grassroots membership have persevered." Now, somebody, please tell the Oakland County Executive that that sentence starting with the words, "Despite violence, intimidation, and hostile government policies" is a direct quotation from the NAACP's Profile in Courage. It didn't come from Jeremiah Wright. Otherwise, he will attribute the quote to me and continue to say that I am one of the most divisive people he has ever heard speak when he's never heard me speak! And just to help him out - I am not one of the most divisive, tell him the word is descriptive. I describe the conditions in this country. Conditions divide, not my descriptions. Somebody say, "Amen!" If you can't say, "Amen," you're too mad, just say, "Ouch!"

Many of us are committed to changing how see others who are different (number 1) and many of us are committed to changing how we see ourselves (number 2). Not inferior to, or superior to, just different from other. Embracing our own histories, embracing our own cultures, embracing our own languages, as we embrace others who are also made in the image of God.

HATERZ EVERYWHERE HE GO!

Bobby Seale & Huey P. Newton

I have this very image on a shirt. RevDoctaWright shirts anyone?

Powerful Wisdom Pt. 1
Powerful Wisdom Pt. 2
Powerful Wisdom Pt. 3
Powerful Wisdom Pt. 4

----------------
Now playing: Kano - Sexual Eruption
via FoxyTunes

HELLO BITCHES

2008-04-26T05:37:00.005-04:00

THIS IS MY NEWEST POST. SHAY HATES THEM FUCKIN KIDS Y'ALL. PLEASE EXCUSE MY LUNCHINNESS. I IS DRUNK. THE TV IS GONNA CAUSE EPILEPSY. IM FUCKED UP. WATERMELON MARTINIS ARE LOVELY. YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE HAVE A GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND WEEKEND. <3 JASMINE A.K.A. LISA FUCKIN TURTLE

P.S.: WHY DO I HEAR MEXICANS?

Things I Should Probably Keep To Myself [2/3191987]

2008-04-24T20:00:00.000-04:00

Today isn't really things but more of a thing I should probably keep to myself. Sometimes I like to think of ethnicity as flavors... I've had BLACK, Caucasian, Cuban, Puerto Rican, Nigerian, and all sorts of blended flavors (black/Puerto-Rican BLACK/Caucasian, Caucasian/Mexican, etc.). I seem to basically attract these types, especially the BLACK/Hispanic blends. I've (mostly) loved what I've had so far but what I want is...

Daniel Henney

I want me a fine ass Asian man. I hear a lot of young Asian men saying that the stereotype is not true and they do love them some black women... Can one of them holla at me? I'm 1/4 Japanese. Can you imagine the pretty little babies we could make?

I'm not unrealistic, I know everybody can't be Russel Wong, Harold & Kumar, or Chen Chang but DAAAAAMN can I at least get this dude from youtube?

I'm saying, the fineness of Asian men is often overlooked (even by Asian women) and I want it to be clear I'm here for them. I love you pretty Asian men. I'm not overlooking you so please don't overlook me. Let's have little ethnically confused babies with curly hair. (Dare to dream...)

----------------
Now playing: Ashlee Simpson - Bittersweet World
via FoxyTunes

Dear Pennsylvania, FUCK YOU.

2008-04-22T23:45:00.008-04:00

You could have been so much more. You could have ended this all. You could have saved us from evil... But you chose not to. Now... Who knows how long this will go on? Who knows how long we will all suffer the slings and arrows of this bullshit election that will provide us with no real change and will bring forth a surge in apathy.

Let me be clear, unlike a lot of people, I never really hated Hillary Clinton before this primary season/election/whatever. I was not a 100% supporter of Obama, initially. To be honest, the more I hate her the more I'm for him but lately I just don't know.

I have had my own conspiracies from the start... I didn't want to but the thoughts floated through my brain. I figured they'd misconstrue/miscount/mishandle votes and then there were the assassination theories. I've gone another way. I think something is brewing here they're all in on it... Even you Obama. I haven't yet worked out what their angle is but here is what I'm thinking...

Obama was never supposed to do as well as he was doing. They wanted him to get the nomination but not with the tremendous amount of support that was beginning to build up for him. They didn't want him to have such a big chance to beat McCain.
To deal with this blow to their plan, Clinton went into outrageous attack mode. This was semi-working but it wasn't good enough because he still was doing well.
Then it's Obama's turn... Stupid little mistakes here and there. Doing/saying little things to crack away at his solid campaign.
Hillary Clinton will not win the nomination but Barack Obama will not win the presidential election.
John McCain will be the next president but for how long???

This is where I wonder should we watch for McCain's VP nominee. What if McCain's old ass dies/becomes ill and the VP takes over??? Will the VP be some evil Cheney style character? In my brain... Probably.

...Or, is Hillary Clinton only staying in to sabotage Barack Obama so that he definitely loses and four years from now she can be in this same position only winning heavily on the underlying mantra of, "I told you so."

I'm not sure what to think but this whole situation just seems fishy to me. I'm mad and I don't know who to be mad at so tonight I focus my anger on the state of Pennsylvania because I truly believe that tonight, they could have ended some of this madness. All it would have taken was for 5%-6% more of you to vote for Barack Obama. But who knows? Maybe y'all did? *Sigh*

Lisa, Kelly, and Screech Take On THE ROOTS?!!!

2008-04-21T10:37:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, three young, unsuspecting dumbasses ventured out on the smoker's holiday for a different kind of green -- an Earth Day Celebration. Lured by the phantom promise of THE ROOTS?!!!* and friends (Talib Kweli, Ne-Yo**, Chrisette Michele***, Wale****, etc...). Sadly, these poor, unfortunate souls*^5 did not accurately foresee the grim future that lay ahead of them. What should have been a day full of drunken, high white people, ganja, THE ROOTS?!!!*, crappy - but bearable weather, turned into an EPIC day of trauma. (Right: Look at them, looking all dry and happy. Ignorance is bliss...)

When young Les (Screech), Stephanie (Kelly), and Jasmine (your heroine Lisa Turtle) first awoke on Saturday, April 20, 2008 to disgusting rain the P.G. County area, they reluctantly decided against their previously made plans of seeing THE ROOTS?!!!*. As the skies cleared and the rained stopped, they hastily got ready and set out on an adventure. This adventure included Metro switch confusion (it's okay, our hero Lisa Turtle saved the day even though she was repeatedly pegged as the "non-Metro rider"), partially overcoming Lisa's ridiculously terrible fear of the Metro (and trains in general) and escalators. They arrived at the Smithsonian Metro stop only to see people opening umbrellas and throwing on ponchos so they began to panic. Armed with two hoodies (the girls), a jacket (the boy), and one tiny umbrella that flips up in the wind, they were not prepared for this:

It was terrible... It was like walking in a freaking monsoon. At the urging of Stephanie, the three kept pressing on to see what was going on at the venue but after waiting and getting soaked for awhile, they decided to retreat to the Metro station. Halfway to their destination, they hear the concert shall resume so they head BACK to the stage. After a few minutes of talking some hippy old man drunkenly gurgles some bluesy-ish tunes out and butchers, "One." Then Ed Norton comes out looking all white boy fine and talks about something but it sounds like nothing and then some activist and then some old white man who won't just shut the fuck up and then the monsoon comes back and the man who won't shutup wants everyone to wait the storm out. AT THIS POINT, Lisa, Kelly, and Screech have had ENOUGH so they (once again) head back to the Metro station. It had to be the longest walk ever. After they were sufficiently soaked from head to toe (seriously, everything but T-Pain*^6) they arrive to an overwhelming mob*^7 and transit authority agents who won't let them into the station. As these fuckheads who take their jobs too seriously finally let people come in, Lisa Turtle is nearly paralyzed with fear at the realization she will have to walk down a soaking wet escalator that seemed neverending. (It should be noted Lisa Turtle is afraid of heights, escalators, walking up and/or down non-moving escalators, trains, falling to her death, and SLIPPERY escalators). Lisa Turtle SLOWLY but safely made it down the death trap and through the gates. Kelly and Screech faced opposition from a soaking wet fare card and SmarTrip card (Look out for a picture of Kelly trying to blow hers dry). Once in the Metro station they hop on the first train they can and continue to do this all the way back to their original Metro location. All of this hell and they never even got to see THE ROOTS?!!!*. Lisa never got to see Black Thought (a prominent member of the list of Black Menz Jasmine Wants To Drop It Off In Her Draaaaaawz). Neither Lisa nor Kelly got to see Ne-Yo. Young Screech's plans to see THE ROOTS?!!!* were foiled again.

Wringing water out of a sweatshirt that is really light gray.
Kelly Kapowski trying to blow her fare card dry.

It was the most fun torture we'd ever had.

*"THE ROOTS?!!!" is in reference to a friend of my random neighbor Tim. It was his exclamation when Stephy and I told him about the concert. It was totally obvious he had like never heard a song by The Roots but it was his way of pretending to be interested.
**Les was in no way interested in seeing Ne-Yo, this was only Stephanie and I.
***Nobody really wanted to see Chrisette Michele.
****Nobody really wanted to see Wale either but we would have taken him over hippy/bluesy man.
*^5Reference to the song from The Little Mermaid.
*^6Stephanie had one a T-Pain t-shirt and though the rest of her was soaked, T-Pain remained dry.
*^7I definitely over-dramatized this.

Welcome Back ,Turtle.

2008-04-17T20:23:00.005-04:00

Hello loves, Lisa Turtle has been on an accidental hiatus. My life has been uber crazy lately. I finally stopped dying. I've been partying. I think my dramaship is finally (almost) over. And I went all Britney Spears crazy and cut my own hair (but I'm not bald.) It was damaged so I cut the relaxer out. It was a freeing feeling. I've been getting back to my usual self lately so prepare for more optimistic and happier danishes from me in the future.

Let's do a before/after:

Before (From "Why I'll Never Put Another Relaxer In My Hair")

After (From Like 4 minutes ago):

I've been in such a good mood and tonight is my favorite night. It's club night a.k.a. ho night a.k.a. FISHNETS NIGHT!!!!

Paris, Tokyo

2008-04-14T00:55:00.007-04:00

I am interrupting my danish inactivity to swoon and stan over Lupe Fiasco. He and the gap in his tooth are looking extra presh in his new video. :) "Paris, Tokyo" is a solid track (soooo much better than "Hip Hop Saved My Life") and the video is pretty much what is expected for the subject matter. Check out for Lupe Fiasco Wild Thornberrys/Jumanji style in the Cairo, Egypt scene. Now watch damnit. (Love, love...)

In the event the video doesn't work, click here.

Music Video WTFery

2008-04-10T10:53:00.001-04:00

I was going to write about this the other day but laziness took over as usual... Anywho, I was watching MTV Jams the other day (first mistake) and saw three videos that left me in WTF mode but I tried my best to put these disturbing images and sounds out of my mind. Unfortunately, I'm a creature of habit so I was watching MTV Jams this morning also (second mistake) and came across the same craptacular videos. I present to you some good ol fashioned WTFery:

1. Chris Brown - "Take You Down"

*Deep Sigh* Who the hell told Chris Brown he was sexy? WHO? (A fourteen year old, no doubt.) Don't get me wrong, the little boy is cute and all but I do not ever again in my life want to see his scrawny ass shirtless and grinding, looking like he still got Similac on his breath. He got an alright body for somebody in middle school or ninth grade. Stop, put your shirt back on! Watching this made me feel like I was watching child pornography. *Shudders* More disturbing is this isn't just a video, this is an one of those tour videos so this homo erotic act is part of his tour. Tsk, tsk, tsk... I thought Chris Brown was for the children. I also want it to be known that Chris Brown is not slick, he jacked some moves from a Backstreet Boy and Usher. *Regular Sigh* I shouldn't really be talking though since I put him on this list. (Side Note: Chris Brown moves like he's either still or virgin or doesn't know what he's doing.)

2. Wyclef Jean - "If I Was President"

I feel like I'm supposed to get some sort of message from this video... But I don't. I'm going to go watch it one more time and see if I missed something. (K, back.) Yeah, I don't get it. Why is he even hypothetically talking about him being president? He's not running. He's not a natural born citizen. I am lost. I don't even have much to say because this video is so far off in the WTFery zone.

3. Tabi Bonney - "Beat Rock"

*Deepest Sigh* I don't know if you necessarily know who Tabi Bonney is if you're not from the DMV (D.C., Maryland, and Virginia -- I will never explain it again.) Basically, Tabi Bonney is a bamma who has made a big ol bammafied album with a bunch of bammafied videos but for some reason, MTV Jams keeps playing his shit. I don't know how or why his videos get in rotation but they do. In real life, I've only met one person who ever said they liked Tabi Bonney's music and her opinion didn't matter to me at the time because she was one of them people allegedly from DC who acts like they know everything (if you're from around here you know what I mean.) I don't understand this video. He's running, semi-Forrest Gump style then there's some beatin of the feet. I have no idea why this man or his videos exist. Anyway, I wanted to like Tabi Bonney... I did. But with him turning "Lunchin" (a song about my personal favorite slang word) into "Syce It" (and being on roller skates in that video), I don't think I can try to force non-hatred anymore. His music sucks donkey balls and his videos are even worse. (Side Note: LMAO @ all the people who hate Wale for saying he's from DC and they're okay with Tabi Bonney reppin for them. FOR SHAME.)

Things I Should Probably Keep To Myself [1/3191987]

2008-04-09T03:43:00.010-04:00

((I'd like to say that my lack of updating is at least in part due to the BITCHASSNESS my immune system is showing. I am still combating this possibly fatal... cold.))

Though I like to think of myself as unprecedented (thanks Cara), I'm sure there are people out there at least somewhat like me. I don't know any of these people but if you're out there and you come across this danish... TELL ME. I want to know who else is all jacked up in the brain. Anyway, in continuing with my theme of posting things that do no better mankind or make too much sense or make me seem intelligent, I present Things I Should Probably Keep To Myself. (I'll even put pictures because I feel everything is better with pictures.)

1. I hate being called African-American.I realize that I'm probably not supposed to say this/think this and that I may piss off a whole rack of black people while saying this BUT... I've been pissing black people off my entire life so why not now? (Side Note: The Field Negro had a discussion over whether to capitalize the b when speaking on black people and I said I didn't know if I did or not, apparently I don't.) Something about being called "African-American" has always rubbed me the wrong way... I'm going to guess this is because I didn't know very many black people growing up and the black people I do know (familial and otherwise) do not use this terminology. It could also have something to do with that James Brown song and how I can remember being no more than 3 or 4, screaming, "I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD!" every time a certain commercial played a piece of the song. With that being said, I've pretty much only been called African-American by white people and I don't like it... I actually think it's racist as hell. If I were from, say, Nigeria or my parents were or hell... even my grandparents were I could maybe stomach it but actually my parents are from California (dad) and Louisiana (mom) and I am from Louisiana/Maryland. My grandparents are from California (paternal grandfather), Japan (paternal grandmother), Texas (maternal grandfather), and Louisiana (maternal grandmother). I could keep going back and back and back but I'm only going to find people from the United States, Japan, and some people from France. To me, this means I am not African. I know very little of African culture and neither do any of my relatives. I know that at least part of my ancestry stems from somewhere in Africa (or so it is to be assumed) but with slavery, how am I to know how much? Why can't I be just an American because, after all, isn't that what I am? Why is it necessary to attach the African to my American title? Because I'm black? Because my skin is non-white? I rarely hear the terms European-American or more specifically French-American, English-American, Italian-American, German-American, etc. I can be honest and say that I don't know how this African-American thing came into play as the PC word of choice to categorize us Negroes but I will say (just as I told my white 9th grade government teacher) that every time I see a white person struggling to remember to say "African-American" instead of "black" it's like they're trying to remember not to call me a "nigger" either... Or at least that's how it feels.

2. I want a "little person."

There's probably no right way to say this, but I want a "little person" a.k.a. a "dwarf" or a "midget" (though "midget" is not generally preferred despite the reclamation efforts of "Midget Mac"). I can't help it, I think little people are cute as hell. (I KNOW, I KNOW!) I don't know what's wrong with me, even as a small child I was mystified by little people. My mom would scold, "Don't stare!" And I'd whisper, "I'm sorry mommy but they're so cute! I want one." My mother would then roll her eyes and say, "Jasmine! They're people, not pets!" Believe me people, I know little people are not pets! I swear this! But every time I see one the first thought that pops into my head is, "I want one!" This is followed by internally yelling at myself, "THAT IS NOT RIGHT! YOU ARE FUCKED UP! HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF EVERY TIME SOMEONE SAW A BLACK PERSON THEY SAID TO THEMSELVES, 'I WANT ONE!'?" I don't usually answer myself but I guess I wouldn't like that very much but I can't help my natural love of the cuteness of little people. Similarly, when I see babies I think they're the cutest thing in the whole world and think, "Ooo! I want one!" but I won't be having a baby either. I should probably talk to my therapist about this.

I think I'll let that be it for this post because it's already long enough.

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Now playing: Alicia Keys - Lesson Learned (Feat. John Mayer)
via FoxyTunes

Def Poetry Jam Post [3/11191986]

2008-04-09T03:25:00.005-04:00

Duality Duel
(The Nerd vs. The Nigger)
I think the poem speaks for itself.

Someone get Rihanna a Xanax, STAT!

2008-04-05T20:04:00.007-04:00

OH EM GEE!

Apparently Beyoncé & Jay-Z might have gotten married yesterday. Hmm... I won't comment on the whole wtfery of their relationship (his face and her face, mismatch!) but I do chose to comment on two things that are very important:

1. What about Ri-Ri?

Every since the alleged Grammy's hoopla of her putting Jay on BLAST, rumors about he and Ri-Ri have cooled putting more focus on Ri-Ri and other men. How is Ri-Ri handling the news? Several reports of the guest list at this alleged wedding, no Rihanna reported so far. I don't really care what she's doing... Let me be honest with you. I just hope this means that without Jay influence (being that he left Def-Jam and all) and without him ramming her down our throats... MAYBE SHE'LL DISAPPEAR AND I WON'T HAVE TO SPEND ANOTHER SUMMER CRINGING AT EACH NOTE THAT SHE MISSES... I'd just not listen but it's kind of impossible to tell other people which stations to listen to in their cars.

2. Will they have children?
(Heeeyyy you guyssss!)

Okay, I'm not going to lie -- I don't think Jay-Z should ever... EVER... EVA EVA EVA procreate. He's got a face that only Beyoncé (bitch is brainwashed, I swear) could love. Can you imagine being an innocent little baby and opening your eyes up and seeing THAT FACE on a regular basis? CRUEL. I don't like that I see that face on a regular basis. Let's be real here... Jay-Z spreading his seed is a disservice to mankind. Any and all future children will indubitably be ugly if they are indeed his children. This is why I didn't believe that business about his alleged son -- little boy is not hideous or really even ugly at all therefore logic and watching Maury says to me it can't be his. If they do decide to have little deformed looking babies I do hope they look nothing like this:

Life Updates Part II

2008-04-04T07:13:00.001-04:00

THIS WARRANT'S IT'S OWN POST!!!
(It's the little milestones that mean so much.)My mom went for a mammogram yesterday morning and everything looked lovely. :) THIS IS WONDERFUL NEWS. One year ago, my mother went for a mammogram and then another and then a biopsy and then she was told she had breast cancer. Then she told me and then my world fell apart. My mother was only supposed to have part of her breast removed but that turned into a whole breast. Initial thought was that she wouldn't need chemotherapy because she was "Stage 0" or DCIS but that turned into too many cancer cells found in the surrounding lymph nodes and maybe we shouldn't do the breast reconstruction surgery until you talk to the oncologist. Six chemotherapy treatments, eight additional months of hormone therapy, six weeks of radiation that turned into eight because she had radiation burns that I had to get up at six in the morning to dress, pills (probably for the rest of her life), lymphoedema caused by the large amount of lymph nodes they had to remove along with her breast and the physical therapy sessions because there is no cure for it... ALL OF THE TIMES SHE COULDN'T SHOWER DRESS HERSELF OR PUT LOTION ON HERSELF, THE SURGICAL DRAIN THAT I HAD TO DRESS AND EMPTY AND TAKE INVENTORY ON TWO TO FOUR TIMES A DAY, ALL OF THE TEARS WE CRIED, ALL OF THE TIMES I WAS TERRIFIED, TO THE BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL I DOWNED, TO THE LOSS OF THE REST OF MY INNOCENCE, FIGHTS WITH FAMILY MEMBERS... Constipation from too many steroids and pain killers and the enema given to relieve it.... The hair loss, my tears, and the beauty of what's growing back... The toll all of this has taken on the life of the most beautiful woman I have ever known and the way I went from acting like I was 15 to being at least a semi-adult in a manner of weeks has all been worth it to hear her tell me there were not irregularities this time. I cry from the happiness that she seems to have made. :')

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Now playing: Something Corporate - Ben Franklin's Kite
via FoxyTunes

Life Updates Part I

2008-04-04T04:45:00.009-04:00

I have not really been inspired to write lately. Well, that's kind of a lie because I have AT LEAST 5 danishes that I started in draft mode. This week has not been a good one for me. In case you didn't know, I've been sick (for what feels like, FOREVER) and it's cutting into my lifestyle. I thought I was going to get this nice gubment job and get paid nice gubment money but, sadly, no soy fluida en español so the job will likely go to some inmigrante o boricua instead (bitter much? YES!). I guess it's back to my other job prospects. I've got man problems! (Don't we all?) I won't dig too deep into that though. In conjunction with my illness, I am currently suffering from nature's cruelty to women and heavily medicating myself to cope with the pain involved with it.
Worst of all, my favoritest cousin in the whole widest world has ovarian cancer. This is where the tears start to flow as I write this. I forget how long she's had it because she waited AT LEAST a year to tell people but I found out sometime in the fall of 2007. First they told her 12-18 months, now they say no more than 6 months. I stand paralyzed and frozen at the thought of a life without her... The distance between Louisiana and Maryland is already too far. She has a daughter... A six year old daughter who is smart and beautiful and amazing and does not deserve this. My cousin does not deserve this. I do not deserve this. Excuse my selfishness, but why me? Sometimes, I look on my life and I wonder if I am a curse? There's more involved in why I say that but I won't get into that -- Things reveal themselves in time anyway. I just wish... That it were me instead of her. I don't live in RACIST ASS Hammond, LA and I don't have a daughter and I wouldn't have hesitated to let them rip my ovaries out with the initial diagnosis! I would have said fuck it, I've been begging for a hysterectomy for years anyway! Sometimes I'm mad at her and I don't think that's the right way to feel but what is the right way to feel? I'm just so hurt. I'm so tired. I'm tired of nothing ever going right and nothing ever being okay. I thought to myself yesterday, this is how people become alcoholics and drug addicts because being numb is better than hurting all the time... But I snap out of it. I wish I were religious because maybe then I would think to pray. I just want her to have a chance. I can do this cancer thing again if the results are the same... If, just like my mom, she comes out okay. I know this is not certain, because nothing is ever certain in life... Just like the doctor cannot hand my 24 year old cousin a death sentence because he/she does not know. Nobody knows. She's switched doctors, maybe the tests results will all come back that her tumors are benign and they just need to remove them. Maybe... Maybe... This is all a bad dream.

I don't know why I just wrote all of that.

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Now playing: Armor For Sleep - Raindrops
via FoxyTunes

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [3/95454521545]

2008-04-02T02:10:00.001-04:00

I am a woman (a black woman at that) so that means I have man problems. I thought I should dedicate a mixtape to something familiar -- broken-hearted women. I am about to start a She-Woman Men Haters Club because men suck. This mixtape takes you through the stages of a heartbreak :

The First Signs/Trouble in paradise.
How can this be? *Tears* This can't be happening. I won't let you go.
Confused... Should I stay or should I go?
Acceptance/Finding the strength to say goodbye.
I'll be just fine fine fine fine fine. (Whoo!)

All the songs featured are by women only because I wanted to tell the story through the perspective of women (though I love many heartbreak songs by men.) So now I present, From A Woman's Perspective (Man Problems).Get it here.

1. Till It Happens To You - Corinne Bailey Rae
2. Key To My Heart - Danity Kane
3. Foolish Games - Jewel
4. Dickhead - Kate Nash
5. You'll Lose A Good Thing - Barbara Lynn
6. Take A Bow - Madonna
7. The Way That I Love You - Ashanti
8. You Made A Fool Of Me - Me'Shell NdegéOcello
9. Get Along With You - Kelis
10. Silly - Deniece Williams
11. Green Eyes - Erykah Badu
12. Back To Life (How Ever Do You Want Me)
13. I Don't Wanna - Aaliyah
14. Ain't No Way - Aretha Franklin
15. Walk Away - Christina Aguilera
16. My Love - Ciara
17. Goodbye - Alicia Keys
18. The Heart Of The Matter - India.Arie
19. Breakdown (Feat. Bone Thugs-N-Harmony) - Mariah Carey
20. Rolling Down My Face - Amerie
21. What About Us? - Brandy
22. Ring Da Bell - Monica
23. Green Light - Beyoncé
24. Why Should I Be Sad - Britney Spears

Depressed (and in need of a decongestant)

2008-03-31T02:22:00.002-04:00

No joke, I have been sick on and off since November 2007. It's mainly been flu-like symptoms that go from little to big and debilitating in days. :( I have been to the doctor's a few times and they tell me the same thing all the time -- "It's allergies." I don't buy that bullshit. I've had horrible allergies since I was in elementary school and I live in Maryland (I swear everyone has allergies here) so I definitely know what allergies feel like. THIS IS NOT ALLERGIES. After realizing I don't have tuberculosis or bronchitis I can only come up with one thing... I'M DYING. I must have some sort of terminal illness that is slowly taking over my body and the only thing I can do to soothe the trauma of impending doom is to drug myself heavily with NyQuil. The problem with this NyQuil is:

I'm developing an immunity to it.
The comedown sucks.

I get all sad and start thinking about my dreary jobless, schooless, purposeless life, man problemed life. Like Weezy F. Baby says, "Only once the drugs are done that I feel like dying, I feel like dying." So this is my comedown and I'm depressed and thinking about my miserable life. But to quote another mediocre rapper, "See, to live is suffer but to survive, well, that's to find meaning in the suffer." Now enjoy a classic video to fit my mood:

No really, watch it.

Les will probably classify this post as "dramatical."

MY NIGHT

2008-03-28T02:45:00.005-04:00

(((((DISCLAIMER: THIS IS THE ONLY SENTENCE I'M TRYING TO MAKE SURE IS RIGHT. IF ANYTHING ELSE IS ALL FUCKED UP, I SOWWIE -- I AM DRUNK.))))

I went out tonight trying to forget everything about that stupid stupid boy that I lurve. So this is how my night started:
I was feeling like Usher... DON'T LEAVE YO DUDE ROUND ME, TRUE PLAYA FA REAL.

But I heard this:
This is the song you played for me when I was in ATLANTA and you were trying to tell me you liked me (this was before it was a single BTW.)

The more I danced the more songs of ours they played and now I'm sad so I feel like this:

But really:
No seriously, WHY SHOULD I BE SAD?

Fishnets!!! :)

2008-03-27T02:40:00.005-04:00

In honor of the very high possibility of me finding my way back to my previous lifestyle of debauchery -- I must discuss my favorite partying/club/girl's night out/ho night/fuck you _____ night accessory (besides booze)... FISHNETS. I love me some fishnets, OH MY GOD! I especially love these HAWT pink ones that I destroyed but they were similar to the ones in that picture. I'm telling you, nothing adds instant slut factor to an outfit like fishnets. Some may say, why would you want to look like a slut when out on the town? Simple answer: I COMMIT TO WHAT I DO. When I go out, I'm buck wild and I make no apologies for it. If I'm going to skank it up for the club or wherever I might as well go all the way and the fishnets, they take it there. Some fishnets, pumps (usually black), and a short skirt/long shirt/shorts... BANGIN. I, mean, don't get me wrong -- there is a right and wrong place for the fishnets. I hardly ever wear them in DC because most of the clubs I go to there take themselves wayyyyyy to seriously (which I why I prefer to club in the nastiness of B-More Careful) For all my ladies out there, if you have not yet tried to wonderfullness of fishnets, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? They come in like every color you could want and some even have the cool back seam. Don't be shy girl, give them fishnets a try! Don't worry about the glares of hatin' bitches and you know the men love them. If you're worried about attracting the wrong kind of men, I say don't wear them anywhere you're trying to find a boyfriend. LoL. As for the menz... Please, leave the fishnets to us ladies. Heed my warning.

Damn shame...

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Now playing: Lil' Wayne - Rider
via FoxyTunes

Helping Flavor Flav Set My People Back

2008-03-26T23:35:00.004-04:00

HOT COUPLE ALERT!!!
GUCCI MANE + BUFFY THE BODY!!!
(And I hear they have a new reality show...)

Thinking Out Loud (So To Speak...)

2008-03-26T11:37:00.003-04:00

In just two years
A baby goes from just being able to move its head
To walking, talking, feeding itself
Communicating how it thinks and feels
So many little milestones on the path to becoming a toddler

In the last two years
I've been to two different schools
Lived in two different states
Almost lost you in a car accident
Only to lose you to somebody else a month later
I've broken your heart
You've broken mine
My mom survived breast cancer
I've made friends and lost friends
We've broken up and always made up
So many good times but many more bad times
And through it all I've kept my strength

But you question my strength
You question the strength of my love for you
You don't see how in "such a short time"
I can feel so strongly
You do not trust my word
You do not believe that I love you

The lover in me wants to prove myself to you
Pull out all the stops
Paint the story of my love over melodies
And sing them to you

The rest of me wonders
Why I should have to prove my love
To someone who has not proven their love to me

You hold the past over my head
And I can admit that the way I was acting
I did not have OUR best interest at heart
But I'm not that girl anymore
And I'm not trying to hurt you anymore

BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
You insist that I am dramatizing my feelings
And I just think that I love you
And you're not going to let me break your heart -- again
And you're not going to let me play these games

WHAT GAMES?
It seems to me you're the only one playing games these days
I don't get it
I thought maybe it was about sex
So I stopped giving it to you
And you stick around
And pick fights with me
And tell me you love me
And then take it back
And tell me that I don't love you
I just don't get it

I don't like who we're becoming
You said you want it to be how it used to be
But I don't think it can
Why can't we just find a new way to be
Or not be at all?

It scares me that we're turning into a Lauryn Hill song
It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard
When all you have to do is say what you mean and mean what you say
Everything else will work itself out

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Now playing: Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor
via FoxyTunes

Race Relations Y'all

2008-03-25T02:27:00.007-04:00

I understand racism is still very important (believe me, I get it) but all this dwelling on racism between white people and black people is working my last damn nerve. If I see one more blogger bitching about Stuff White People Like (hatin' really) because it's either secretly racist or because they're not really covering white people and it's only funny because they're white blah blah blah blah blah... I DON'T CARE. Yes, people are entitled to their opinions (this is mine) but I will say (in defense of the blog) the reason it is so popular is because it doesn't go with the same lame ass whitey stereotypes.

Also, there's the LeBron James/Gisele Bundchen controversy. I'm not posting the picture. I'm not getting into a lengthy paragraph. I will just say this... Sometimes a picture is just a picture, no matter how lame or ugly. If ugly, lame pictures of black people (with or without white people in them) are racist then, damnit... The NAACP need to be all over Miss Jay for ever having his/her picture taken.

Then there's this election that's still in the damn primary stage. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE and it's already irking me to (almost) the highest point of irktivity. I can't stand America lately. (I won't put this on you though MD -- excluding B-More.) Black folk, more than usual -- and I'm usually irked by them but not as much as by white people, are really working my nerves. This feud between the general black population and I is long-standing though and I can't figure out how to get them to stop trying to be my friend/family/brother/cousin/speak to me in general. I know how to get white people not to talk to me, get all angry black woman -- works every time. I have an idea though to decrease my negro appeal (besides this danish, of course)...

I will become an outspoken black Republican like my man Larry Elder. I never see him around black people... EVER! Alan Keyes... I never see him around black people. Colin and Condi? Only around each other! This is brillant! I will also get to be semi-accepted by secretly racist white people! (I see you Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity!) Win-Win, AM I RIGHT? ;D

It's Raining McCain

2008-03-25T00:02:00.003-04:00

I find this video very disturbing.

The Best Little Whore In Maryland

2008-03-24T00:11:00.006-04:00

So I'm watching SVU and this girl is a prostitute and this makes me think of the recent on-goings of disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer and his high dolla ho "Kristen" a.k.a. "Ashley Alexandra Dupré" a.k.a. she's got too many fucking aliases. I got to thinking of how I've always wondered if I could be a prostitute... If i could do it. I'm not quite sure but to tell you the truth, with decent paying jobs scarce, the thought (however jokingly) crossed my mine tonight. Now, I know every ho can't be a high dolla ho like my girl Ashley (as pictured on the right if you were wondering). SVU pointed out to me that prostitutes are often abused, raped, murdered, etc. But I was thinking, maybe those aren't the smart ones. I wouldn't even consider Ms. Dupree one of the smart ones. My guess is the only way to make this business work for you is to not try and make a real career out of it.

Gone are the days of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and Pretty Woman. Everyone knows that Richard Gere is not going to marry your slutty ass and Burt Reynolds can't try to save your brothel AND run for office (while singing too). So what I'm proposing for myself is a short-term thing, very discreet and very brief. What if I were to prostitute for my summer job? I've got a monkey on my back in the form of a Macbook Pro and I can't see putting in all this effort for $6.50/hr at some job that is not even cultivating my skills. But what about the risks? Any job that pays well has risk potential of some sort (they say lawyers and doctors have the highest suicide rate). I'm not definitely committing myself to the idea but if nothing comes my way I might just become The Best Little Whore In Maryland this summer. And, hey, if one of my johns gets out of line I'll have Stabler and Benson handle that bitch.

Audrey II

2008-03-23T04:34:00.006-04:00

While reading this post at The Assimilated Negro, I began to think about some of the conversations I have had with my vagina when no one else is around. Often, I find myself speaking to her as if she can hear me (and I think she can because she seems to respond non-verbally). Though I love her, I'm not quite sure if I like her; she is at the root of much of the stress and grief in my life. For this reason, I have named her Audrey II after the Venus fly trap-like plant from Little Shop of Horrors. I know that most vagina lovers do not picture (and don't want to picture) an overgrown, monster-like, carnivorous plant when they think about vaginas but this is what came to mind when I thought of my relationship with mine. I am poor Seymour trying to satisfy her outrageous appetite.

To my dismay, my vagina is permanently fiending for dick -- 24/7. I can't explain the stress this puts on our relationship! I swear she plays "Gimme More" on loop! This is where she and I battle. I want to satisfy her, I really do but I can't spend my days doing nothing but fucking! I have things to do! But does she care? Nope. She starts to get excited about 30 minutes after I wake up and I say to her, "Hold on Audrey II! The day has just started." I stay wet all day, everyday because Audrey II is always ready. Guys like it when I say that but, trust me, it's not sexy or fun. It's actually obnoxious. For the guys, picture walking around with a hard-on all day. Would that be fun? I doubt it. When we meet cute guys, she sends hormones to my brain telling it, "We want that one!" I have to shake it off and say, "Audrey II, we can't bone every guy we meet!" People tell me, "Why don't you just masturbate?" And I would but that doesn't work for Audrey II! Foreplay doesn't even really work for Audrey II. It's dick or don't bother. I wonder how it got be like this. Once upon a time we were virgins and we never really thought about sex. Then we weren't virgins and we liked sex but it wasn't an obsession but something happened to us and I don't know what it is.

But it's not just her insatiable appetite for the penis that causes friction. I am blessed and cursed with a magical vagina. I swear that if I go a week or more without sex, the next time I get down it will hurt. The longest I've ever gone (besides the 18 years, 4 months, and 4 days I was a virgin) without any was 1 month and 10 days and when I had sex after that hiatus it was like losing my v-card all over again (ouch). Guys appreciate this little trick of hers because she's always "tight" but I would like it very much if she would loosen up just a little so that I don't chance tears during a sexual experience after a two week interlude. Don't get me wrong! I appreciate her elasticity as one of her finer attributes but a little slack wouldn't kill her!

I don't know what to do about my vagina. I don't hate her the way I hate my horrible uterus (I seriously want a hysterectomy). I just wish she would give me a break. I will try to do as much safe, healthy fornication as possible if she would try and work with me a little. She needs to realize that I won't always be able to deliver (especially during no-boyfriends times, periods, yeast infections, family holidays, relationship drama, etc.). In the mean time, I'll keep watching Def Poetry Jam on YouTube.

Ishle Park - Pussy

The New Lisa Turtle™ Explained

2008-03-20T21:47:00.002-04:00

It has occurred to me that I never actually explained why I am "The New Lisa Turtle™" so I have decided this warrants explanation. To understand, you'd have to understand who Lisa Turtle (the original) is (and I don't mean the actress that played her, Lark Voorhies). For the youngsters and those who just didn't watch Saved By The Bell I will explain her greatness. Lisa Turtle was Saved By The Bell's resident fly, token black chick even when it was Good Morning Miss Bliss. Now, most of what I know of Saved By The Bell/Good Morning Miss Bliss is through reruns (the show aired from 1988-1993 and I was born November of 1986) but I always knew that Lisa Turtle and I were kindred. Lisa Marie Turtle, like most of the Saved By The Bell characters was very one-dimensional so some of the things I will say are somewhat inferences based around what is known about her.

Like Lisa Turtle, I too attended predominately white schools nearly my entire life (only pre-school, kindergarten, first grade, and a partial semester in college were not). I too am used to being the only black girl in my class and often the only black person in my class. This is not to say there were no black people around, I just didn't have classes with the majority of them so it was like I didn't know any of them. Lisa can identify! She only had white friends (you know Zack, Kelly, Slater, Jessie, Screech, etc.). Other black people were rarely seen at Bayside, Lisa didn't even have any black friends (but at least Slater is Hispanic). My high school experience was not too dissimilar from hers, I was moderately popular with lots and lots of white friends. I was quite fashionable, my hair was always white people friendly (either pressed out straight or spiral curls -- you know how mystified SOME white people can be by black people with that naturally curly hair). Our taste in music is quite similar, though my scope may be broader than hers -- neither of us are afraid of the whitey music! Lisa Turtle was mostly single in high school (as was I) but did have small fleeting romances, mostly with cute, preppy white boys. She was, unfortunately, incessantly chased by Bayside's king of nerdom Samuel "Screech" Powers but this was all made okay when she got to have a brief (but cute) one episode romance with Bayside's hottest commodity Zack Morris. In high school I was a "white boy connoisseur," I liked them in all shapes, colors, sizes, types. I had my own versions of Screech but they were mainly obnoxious black boys who didn't get the hint! I (like the best schools, good drinking fountains, and seats in the front of the bus in the first half of the 1900s) was for whites only. Academically, Lisa and I paralleled -- smart but no Jessie Spano. She wanted to become a fashion designer; I wanted to be a patent lawyer. Lisa was accepted into FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) and I... went to community college.

This is where I stop being plain old Lisa Turtle and become the New Lisa Turtle. Beyond her showing up for Zack and Kelly's wedding and flirting it up with an ethnic cutie, we don't know what really became of Lisa Turtle. Maybe Lisa would have realized that fashion isn't what she really wanted to do and just one day quit FIT and come on back to Palisades, CA and mooch off of her surgeon parents (much like I am doing in Maryland -- mooching off my accountant mother and the money my retired father sends me). I wonder if Lisa Turtle's parents would have had the same "insight" my family had and think to themselves, Lisa should really learn to be around black people... LET'S SEND HER TO AN HBCU! Unlike me, Lisa probably would have chosen Spelman instead of the ghettotrocity that is Clark Atlanta University (and maybe she'd last a full semester). You see, I am the continuation of the Lisa Turtle saga; the story that went untold because she's not Kelly Kapowski. I am that girl who is unapologetically a product of her surroundings. Do I still exclusively date white guys? Hell to the no. No offense to my pigment challenged folk, but I am in love with the chocolate these days. Am I still stuck-up? Pretty much. Just call me "The snob of all snobs" (c) Naledge of Kidz in the Hall. Picture if someone took the Lisa Turtle we all know and love and gave her a foul mouth and a Grey Goose habit -- Now you've got the gist of me. Of course, unlike the character, I am multifaceted but I'm giving a general idea here.

I am the result of parents who worked hard to make sure their children did not have to grow up in the harsh world that so many people in my race do and that these children would have a chance at not being another statistic and another stereotype. Unfortunately, I am the new stereotype. They call girls and boys like me "Oreo." Black on the outside, white on the inside... WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Do you know how many people grew up like me? It would be more phony for me to pretend that I am someone I am not. Everybody's a gangsta... Try being the only black person in your class when discussing A Raisin In The Sun or Native Son and trying to persuade people who don't feel it that racism is forever alive and kicking. The older you get the harder it is to reconcile the "white" world that you grew up in and the black person you are. I am a true suburban gangster; I bask in my Lisa Turtleness and I encourage others to do the same.

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Now playing: Dashboard Confessional - The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
via FoxyTunes

Let's Watch An Episode Of Boy Meets World

2008-03-20T10:59:00.006-04:00

This is one of my favorite episodes of (possibly) my favoritest show ever!!! So, enjoy "Shallow Boy."

(OT: Wikipedia is claiming that Lupe's video for Paris, Tokyo is premiering tomorrow. I don't believe it but WHAT IF...)

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [2/95454521545]

2008-03-20T04:26:00.004-04:00

So I love going to the club... A LOT. Unfortunately, I'm never satisfied with the song selection. So I have all these pre-club mix cds to get me hype before I go to the club since I won't be hearing what I want when I get there. This is one I just made in preparation for tonight. I present, Lisa Turtle Loves The Club: Songs The The DJ Should Play.Get it here.

1. Check Your Coat (Feat. Greg Nice) - O'Neal McKnight
2. P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) - Michael Jackson
3. Return Of The Mack - Mark Morrison
4. Big Pimpin' (Feat. UGK) - Jay-Z
5. U Don't Have To Call - Usher
6. Single Again - Trina
7. Bad Girl (Feat. Missy Elliott) - Danity Kane
8. Radar - Britney Spears
9. Watch It - Nivea
10. Stilettos (Pumps) - Crime Mob
11. Watch Her Do It - Baby D
12. Go Head (Ft. Mac Bre-Z) - Gucci Mane
13. Give It To Her (Feat. Devonte) - Tanto Metro
14. Still I Love Her (Feat. Young Dro) - P$C
15. Give Me That (Feat. Bun B) - Webbie
16. Rider - Lil' Wayne
17. Ain't Gon Let Up - D.G. Yola
18. Neck Of The Woods (Feat. Lil' Wayne) - Birdman
19. Don't Spill It (Feat. Mistah F.A.B., Bleu DaVinci & J Diggs) - Kuzzo Fly

Newness

2008-03-19T01:27:00.012-04:00

It's 1something in the morning and I'm sitting her listening to Ciara. I'm thinking, as I often do, on what is becoming of music. There's so much of everything else in music except actual music. Less singing, instruments, and lyrical content but there is lots of dancing and bass! Ciara is a strong offender of this, but I forgive her because she knows who she is. Openly admitting that she doesn't have the voice of Whitney Houston or the greats but she does what she does. This I can respect! On to my next point...
Have you heard of O'Neal McKnight? O'Neal McKnight seems to be (so far) someone who knows who he is-- calling his brand of music, R&P (that's Retro-Pop).

"I like to call my music R&P -- Retro-Pop. Retro-Pop is the sound of the future, and a throwback to the feel-good energy of the past."

Now, admittedly, I've only heard the three songs that can be found on his MySpace but he is fast on the road to being my new The-Dream who is already my new T-Pain. When I first saw a portion of his video for his debut single "Check Your Coat" I was seriously lost and confused. WAS THIS A JOKE? Cut to a few days later and my friend sends me the video on YouTube... Same initial reaction. Against my usual habits, I decided to watch the entire thing and became intrigued. Off the suggestion of my friend, I checked out his MySpace. After reading his bio I learned he used to be a celebrity stylist and that he's from a trailer park. I also heard two more songs besides the single and that's when confusion turned to admiration. I like him. He's nowhere near the best singer in the world but he is at least different. More than being different though, he is about having a good time and I can definitely appreciate that. Lately, in music it seems like everyone tries too hard but he seems just be enjoying himself. Check out his explanation of the title of his yet to be released album Prom 2088:

"The Prom is a celebration -- A time to reflect on where you've been and a time to look forward to where you're going, and that's what my music represents -- Prom: 2088 is a party."

Seriously though, I really think I'm going to like him even if I did think he was "joke music" at first. T-Pain is done in my heart because he's on EVERY SONG and The-Dream is in danger of being replaced by this man because The-Dream is not this snazzy of a dresser:

I would commandeer his music, hot bitch.

Now check out the Back To The Future/Michael Jackson inspired video for his first single"Check Your Coat":

The quotes are from an interview found here.

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Now playing: Ciara - Goodies (Feat. T.I. & Jazze Pha)
via FoxyTunes

Hip Hop Saved My Life

2008-03-18T23:41:00.007-04:00

Actually, hip hop has not saved my life but I do like hip-hop. If you don't know, I have a thing for Wasalu Muhammad Jaco b.k.a. Lupe Fiasco. I'd like to have short little bad eyesight having babies with him. *Deep Sigh* Anyway, today his bootleg (not too bootleg) video for the non-single "Hip Hop Saved My Life" (featuring Nikki Jean of Nouveau Riche) dropped. It's definitely one of my least favorite songs on The Cool but I won't talk too bad about it. I'll highlight the good because I do love my Lupe. So, the good:

"Stack that cheese." (If you don't know, listen and you will see.)
Les got to salivate over Nikki Jean.
Nikki Jean is pretty.
Lupe looks cute as always.
BUN B AND PAUL WALL!!!
Carrera Lu is on his shit.

Now watch the video...

Def Poetry Jam Post [2/11191986]

2008-03-18T18:39:00.007-04:00

"Next Wednesday" by Mush

"Remember me for my way of getting people into trouble--
I wish to graduate from college,
become an artist, have two kids,
and one day go to heaven."

A childhood friend wrote this ten years ago in our sixth grade yearbook
Last year, she dropped out of art school
Last month, she told me that she was getting an abortion
for the second time
Her last wish before graduating sixth grade was to go to heaven
but this depends on what she does between now
and next Wednesday

This is the girl with the biggest brown eyes
I've ever seen
She's got Venus fly traps for lashes
and lips that make conversation blush
every time she speaks
This is the girl that taught me how to shave my pubes
The same girl that schooled me on how to inhale
seven inch bananas
with no hands
Best friends like sisters
I know her well enough to know that
she's the type who in times of trouble
hides by being stagnant
Says it's her birth right,
see her dad left twenty-three years ago
Stopped paying child-support before she could walk
Stopped calling the following year
And by that Christmas
this man had stopped sending cards all together
And I wish
I had hugged her more when we were younger

Back then, baby used to cut herself with broken pieces of father
Swallow them whole
then molds herself like wet clay
inside mens bodies
even though it bothered her when they talked about fathers
All grown, she buries herself
beneath layers of player façade
Searching for touch
she doesn't even remember
Thinks every other mans hands will mend her
Twenty-three years of neglect
She lets these men run ins and out on her
just like he did

And I wanna tell her
You've got men grabbing at you from every angle
But if you don't feel like getting down tonight
It's alright, girl, just say so
Next Wednesday, is more than an abortion day
It's about change
So jump through
Move
Run, if you have to
But don't look back
I will be here
Gouging fistfuls of lavender for safe-keeping
Tattoo their silhouette across your chest
So you never forget
You are my first love
So breathe free
Cause your own future can't afford to lose you
And baby, neither can we

Nostalgia At 4AM

2008-03-18T04:14:00.005-04:00

MY TOP 15 CHILDHOOD BOOKS/STORIES/NOVELS

15.

Frog And Toad Are Friends by Arnold Lobel.

14.

Wayside School is Falling Down by Louis Sachar.

13.

The True Story Of The Three Little Pigs by Jon Scieszka.

12.

The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales by Jon Scieszka

11.

If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Numeroff

10.

The Magic School Bus Series by Joanna Cole.

9.

Chicken Sunday by Patricia Polacco.

8.

Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman.

7.

The Polar Express and other books by Chris Van Allsburg (including The Widows Broom and Jumanji).

6.

Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss.

5.

The Berenstain Bears Series by Stan and Jan Berenstain.

4.

The Shy Little Kitten and the other Little Golden Books.

3.

The Entire Baby-Sitters Club Collection by Ann M. Martin (It started with that one though).

2.

Corduroy by Don Freeman.

1.

The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein (My favorite book of all time).

Honorable Mention:

The Draw 50... Series by Lee J. Amos

<3er [Appreciaton Post]

2008-03-17T04:06:00.001-04:00

You know who you are.

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Now playing: The Carps - Heaven's Gates & Hell's Flames (Redux) Feat. The Cool Kids
via FoxyTunes

I Can Be Your Addiction If You Wanna Get Hooked On Me

2008-03-12T17:27:00.003-04:00

PLEASE DON'T JUDGE ME BUT...

this is my shit.

(And it leaked!!!)

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [1/95454521545]

2008-03-12T04:39:00.009-04:00

Because I (obviously) have nothing but time to waste... I decided to make "mixtapes." The First is Lisa Turtle Loves The Repeat Button... Because, seriously, I love to repeat songs. So, this is my "mixtape" of songs I repeat... A lot.Get it here.

1. Poparatizi - Musiq Soulchild
2. Sunshine - Lupe Fiasco
3. He Say She Say (Feat. Gemini & Sarah Green) - Lupe Fiasco
4. And He Gets The Girl - Lupe Fiasco
5. Maybe - N*E*R*D
6. Why Should I Be Sad - Britney Spears
7. Nikki - The-Dream
8. All The Damn Kids - The Carps
9. Heaven (Feat. Jully Black) - Nas
10. You Don't Miss Your Water - Otis Redding
11. Ex-Factor - Lauryn Hill
12. Green Eyes - Erykah Badu
13. Till It Happens To You - Corinne Bailey Rae
14. Down On My Knees (Live) - Ayọ
15. Love Is A Losing Game - Amy Winehouse
16. Samson - Regina Spektor
17. Gavin's Song - Marc Broussard
18. Loose Lips - Kimya Dawson
19. Nothing Lasts Forever - Maroon 5
20. XO - Fall Out Boy
21. Let This Go - Paramore
22. Time Is Running Out - Muse
23. Fucking Boyfriend - The Bird And The Bee
24. Marsh King's Daughter - Eisley
25. Promises - Savage Garden
26. Still Ray - Raphael Saadiq
27. P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) - Michael Jackson

Personal Prayer Package

2008-03-12T04:05:00.002-04:00

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!

Lesly J. Slowsky

2008-03-11T03:11:00.001-04:00

This is Lesly J. Slowsky.
He is named after my friend and the "Slowskys" from the comcasts commercials. I plan to buy a real turtle and mirror him in the image of the Lesly J. Slowsky you see above you. I will provide lots of pictures of Lesly J. Slowsky when I get him. That is all.

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Now playing: Anthony Hamilton - Lucille
via FoxyTunes