CLEAR MIND '09: NO DISTRACTIONS!!!

First and Foremost:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Now, I know most of you probably thought Lisa Turtle was dead but she's I'm not. I wasn't blogging because, up until two weeks ago, I really didn't have much to say. I've been in a 2.5 year funk... Now, some may attribute that to the nearly 3 years of my life I wasted on some little boy who didn't deserve me BUT I know the bulk of it can not be placed on him. I've had a lot of unfortunate things happen and I was not equipped to handle them. But that's all neither here not there now because the situation is what it is. So, this is the place I'm in now. I'm trying to let it all go. As our new president has declared time and time again, CHANGE is on it's way. This year I vow to not sit on the sidelines of life. I want to be a star player. I have no long-term goals (excluding happiness) as of yet but I hope through completing a series of short-term goals I will discover some things for me in the long-term. I have to put all of my negative thoughts out to pasture. This is why I have declared this year: CLEAR MIND '09: NO DISTRACTIONS. I know this year may be due to things beyond my control (the state of the world) but I know I can make it. The last 2 years have been more than I ever thought I could live through and I'm still here.

What I'm saying is, I'm on my way back to the right path. I got a little lost but I found those breadcrumbs I had left and I'm finding my way back. I'm getting back to the basics. This year is for me and when my process is over... The world will see how it has made me a better person! I will share my experiences here but they won't all be serious and stuff - That's just not me! I will still be random, irreverent, and borderline retarded. I hope y'all continue to vibe with me and I will update more! That's for serious because I have so many things I want to share. The process will come in me re-doing the look of the blog and changing the name and possibly the url. I hope you guys continue to feel me though. I love all the e-friends I made and I hope to make more (lol).

-J

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Catch 22

22 years ago today they cut my mommy open and pulled me out. Yes, today is my BIRTHDAY. The days leading up to my birthday were full of mixed emotions, particularly the final week. You see, my good friend Elisha (the one who was murdered) would have had his 21st birthday on Nov. 12, 2008 - exactly one week prior to my 22nd birthday. I look at this picture from his birthday this year and think to myself how wrong this is. Was today a good day? Yes. Better than I could have ever anticipated (given my emotions leading to my birthday)? Yes. I just missed him so much today. I didn't get much time with him but if you would have known him you would know that forgetting him is impossible. Anyway, I am very thankful for the special people in my life who made this one of my best birthdays ever. I don't know if it's because my expectations were so low but it's really been super and it's not even over yet. I mean, JAHMAL TONGE told me Happy Birthday! ;) So without further adieu - Pointless personal pictures to further prove I am a weirdo. Thanks for reading about my dull life and random thoughts.

-la jasmine exquise-

Birthday Kick-off double fisting: signature pose. Hope you like the tiara.

Actual birthday (11/19/08): Bored, anticipating my fiesta with my mom!

Fiesta! Fiesta!

P.S.: I'M SICK AGAIN GUYS!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! /sarcasm

I Want You

you mess with my mind
thoughts skip and repeat like a scratched CD
I shake my head in defeat
because there seems to be no release
staggered heartbeats and clammy palms don't lie
I want you
and it would seem that this fact is
inescapable

I tried to drink you out
sleep you out
read you out
exercised and exorcised
even tried to fuck you out
but I can't convince myself
despite my best efforts
that I don't want you

tried to figure it out
how I became so fixated
everytime I try to rationalize
I end up lost in moments
and picturing your smile
I wish I knew your voodoo
you're not even that cute

the reasons are lost to me
I just know that
logic has failed me
my emotions betrayed me
denial no longer being an option
I must accept how badly
I want you

Erykah Badu - I Want You

It's That Magical Time of Year!

I've been extra nostalgic lately and I think it's mostly due to my impending birthday. I'm not excited at all and that kind of makes me sad - I usually love my birthday but this year I just kinda don't care. I know part of it is what my birthday is near... Exactly one week after the birthday of my friend who was murdered. I just feel so old and unaccomplished (lol). I know that I'm not old for real for real but it really feels like time has slipped away from me. This past weekend was my high school's homecoming and a couple people older than me were going to the game and I was just like -- I seriously graduated over 3 years ago, I'm not trying to be around a bunch of 14-year-olds. But seriously, where has the time gone? I look at this picture of my best friend Jinnelle and I on our graduation day (June 10, 2005) and I think about how in a few years my little cousins Helena and Daisy will be graduating... Why do I feel like life is moving too fast?

Earlier today, my mom was on the phone with my Auntie Helen (Daisy and Helena's grandmother) and she told me that my little cousin Helena had made homecoming court and the strangest thing happened -- I started crying. I can't explain it but it was just too much for me at that moment. Helena is the first baby I have ever held. My cousin Mel was the first pregnant person I ever remember being around. Helena is my little baby, my little shadow and now she's a teenager and soon she'll be an adult and I'll be her uncool older cousin that she thinks is desperately holding on to youth!

I mean, it seems like just yesterday that I was a 14-year-old and on the phone with Jinnelle talking about how were pretty much over The Backstreet Boys. Maybe I just miss my family or maybe I'm just extra crazy. Anyone else have an irrational "DAMN I'M GETTING OLD!" moment???

She's Come Undone

For the past week or two, but mainly the past five or six days, I have been engrossed in a book called She's Come Undone. It was apparently one of the books featured in Oprah's Book Club but I don't pay much attention to Ms. Winfrey so I was only driven to read it because of one word - undone. This is a word I've used to describe myself for the last 7 years. What I meant was that the sugary sweet persona of happiness I tried to perfect was unraveling and I was powerless to stop it. A couple of months ago I made a promise to myself to not be ashamed of the things I go through; to be just as honest about my highs as my lows. The last two years of my life have been one continuous low and I have been doing everything in the world to avoid acknowledging the fact.

Repression. My plan had been to repress everything I have been feeling and try to resume life as usual. I was going to ignore everything that was going on around me and throw myself into other things. This seemed to have worked for me previously, as a young girl but no longer. I was holding myself together with mud and then a hurricane came and washed me away. All that is left now is pieces. I look back at pictures of me just before I began to lose composure. Through forced smiles and perfectly matched outfits, I still know I was at the very least a real person. I was not fragmented like I am now. I was a whole person once. If you look at the pieces you will see - they were once part of a whole. Now I'm aimless trying to find out who I am now and who I used to be.

Remember I said I wanted to share things I write because maybe sharing these things can help someone. Everyone should read She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. The book is raw and honest in it's portrayal of what repression can do to a person. The themes in the book (spousal abuse, rape, abortion, mental illness, death, love) are all explained in the point of view of someone who feels unloved and incapable of being loved - the abused. The book affirmed conclusions I had already reached on my own. The most important being this: For years I walked around in shame hiding all my dirty secrets, covering up for sins committed against me. It took me a long time to accept that these things are not my fault. These things happen to people. Molestation happens to good people. Rape happens to good people. Physical and mental abuse happens to good people. Neglect happens to good people.

I wonder if I will always at least be partially this way - partially broken. They say once you're an addict you're always an addict, just in recovery. Had I been honest with myself and those who were trying to help from the beginning I wonder where I'd be at right now... But I can't think like that. I can only think of the now and the now is this is me. Flawed and incomplete but on the road to recovery. And if you are walking around harboring dark secrets that keep you shrouded in sadness and shame, let it out. Chose whichever method you are most comfortable with but let it out. Free yourself. Freedom is the only path to true happiness.

-Jasmine

BLACK GIRLS ARE AWESOME (For Those of You Who Don't Know So!)

I'm a pretty open person. Some say I'm weird but I prefer atypical, better yet - eccentric. From a very early age, my mom showed me that I don't have to live up to anybody else's expectations of what I should be. Growing up with such a non-judgemental mother allowed me to favor the Backstreet Boys to Blackstreet, No Doubt to Destiny's Child, basketball to ballet, dresses with shorts to pants, black to pink, to Boys Meets World to Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, etc. I have never felt the need to tie my identity to things deemed black, feminine, southern, or anything else that I'm supposed to be. I like what I like and I make no apologies, explanations, or excuses for my often random likes and dislikes.

It has come to my attention on numerous occasions that black girls and women are all expected to (basically) be one way. It seems a good chunk of you missed the memo that we are not all into long weaves, neck-rolling, hoop earrings, blunts, misplaced anger, etc. To be honest, I don't have much in common with most of the black girls I know and they don't have much in common with each other. Do you know what this means? WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT! ;) I chose that picture of Jack Davey because I think she represents what I'm saying here. She fronts J*DaVeY (the new Groove Theory), an R&B/Funk duo made of awesome and win. I'm willing to bet if she chose not to don mohawks and headdresses, she would become more appealing to most people. If she would just be that bland, safe, cutesy image of a black chick that the music industry keeps forcing down our throats... But she's not and she shouldn't have to be. Not only that, how she chooses to express herself shouldn't be seen as weird and/or shocking when the same reaction wouldn't be given to a white chick (if we're being honest).

...Now that you know what I'm trying to say here... Let me tell you what happened. I went out with some friends tonight and out of nowhere (it seemed), one of them says, "I know my children will be light because my wife will be white or Asian because I don't do blackies. No offense to you. [meaning me]" He, of course, is Wesley Snipes black. My other friends at the table scurried off, as they assumed I was about ready to lay a verbal assault on his ignant ass... But I didn't, not really anyway. I tried to engage in a civil conversation with him; I tried not to involve too many emotions. He told me it wasn't that he didn't like black girls, it's just that this is what he gravitates to because of where he's from. YOU KNOW THIS WAS A COPOUT TO THE SUBURBAN GANGSTER HERSELF, but I let it slide and let him continue. He told me that black girls, or at least the ones he knows, aren't into the things he likes - Anime, photography, rock music. They are all into that gangster rap and he can't deal with that. (For my DMV people, he's from PG County/MoCo... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!) He told me that he can't be faulted for his preference. The only other female there (a Korean/white blend) tried to explain his point of views from a sociologist's standpoint. They all started talking r e a l s l o w to me like I didn't understand them when I was the only completely sober person at the table (shocker, I know).

I won't even go into the self-hatred issues I'm convinced this boy has (and nope, not because of his "preference"). I asked him and the other black guy at the table, "Are your mothers black? Is she an angry hoodrat?" They replied, "No." "So how is it that you can say to me that you don't know not ONE black female who doesn't fit this stereotype when you know HER?" Then I went on to say, "And... YOU KNOW ME! Are you now saying I fit this stereotype too?" I am tired of people not acknowledging the variety pack that is the black female. Like I told these dudes, if I based my opinion of all black men solely on my experiences with black men... I wouldn't ever talk to a black man ever again. EVER. ...And the, "I don't know many black girls" argument - OBNOXIOUS. Meet some damnit!

This is a call to action to all out there who think we are all one way, all those who view us negatively... Try a black girl today! Go befriend one! Talk to one at work/school/the grocery store/etc.! You would be surprised (apparently) at how friendly we can be. Don't just assume we don't share your interests! Half the Anime club at my school was black girls! We like rock music too! Damn, some of us grew up going to country clubs too! I appreciate green tea and noodles! You wouldn't believe how many black women HATE mainstream rap music! And YES, I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC DAMNIT! Stop trying to pigeonhole us and give us a chance before you assume we're angry, uneducated, and bitter!

Thoughts

I got a message from someone today on Facebook (and they know who they are) that reminded me why I like to share what I write. Even though I don't update this the way I should, I'm always writing something. It's just... Sometimes I get so sad and upset and down and angry and crazy that I just go inside myself and hide.

I started this danish because I don't want to hide inside myself anymore. I don't want to be a prisoner of my mind. I want to be open. I want to be free. And if I can entertain, educate, cure my boredom, become a better writer in the process... All the better. I guess it's like self-help. LoL.

I'm probably going to revamp this danish again. I'll probably write with more clarity, more honesty, and be more raw. I will do it for me, for you, for us. Even if only one person reads, that'll be awesome. So... Soon enough, I'll make a comeback. Right now though, I'm off to read FunkyBlackChick and Black Girl On Campus and things. :)

-Jasmine

Subject: apology....... :0( [Straight from the MySpace Presses!!!]

Hello Hello! The queen of the hiatus is back (temporarily). I have had so many things going on which I will hopefully be able to unfold for all of you in a series of posts. The first is a little update of Mr. Black-White-Girl Fetish. Mr. Black-White-Girl Fetish is from a post called, "I AM NOBODY'S FETISH." If you aren't familiar with the story or you need a refresher, I will give a little back story but the full story is at the links.

Anywho, I met this guy who seemed nice, we were getting along until... He decided to tell me that the reason he liked me is because he like black girls who act white. He touched a nerve with that one. I was livid. Any chance of romance was dead. I continued to talk to him anyway because his fawning over me was both comical and flattering... This was, until, I read his MySpace blogs that declared that he will not date or marry a black girl. Only a thick, caucasian and or "foreign type" female. I confronted him on the issue, hit him with my realness and he didn't like it too much. I posted our conversation on here and linked his MySpace... LoL. Anyway, he has written me back to apologize for disrespecting me and women in general. Well... He probably just wants to fuck me. Here's what he wrote to me; I didn't respond but if someone has a good suggestion to what I should say to him, that'd be amazing.

Just wanted to say sry 4 actin like an asshole last time we talked. I just
wanted to know if I could still be ur friend? I dont know when you will get this but I am going back to school in a few weeks. Mayb I will run into u at a club or movies. *wink wink* ttys..

He's just trying to get in my pants, I am not that stupid. In other news, I want these shoes.

*Sorry for runons, I'm falling asleep as I type.

"I WILL POP THE TRUTH IN YOUR ASS!"

In case you missed, my favorite rap-hop star, Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones, was on The Colbert Report last night. It was a great episode in general, especially the Nas parts. You can watch the full episode (at The Colbert Report's official Comedy Central website) here but I'm going to post a YouTube video of all the Nas parts. I would suggest you guys watch this stuff now before Viacom deletes it from memory forever (you know how they hate seeings Negroes do anything other than... Just watch BET and MTV, I don't need to explain that one). Earlier they had up single clips of the Nas interview and performance and they've already removed them... What's next? You know they'll be all over any YouTube and Dailymotion clips. Anyway, here's the video for however long it lasts.

You can also watch the Nas stuff here for however long they last.

Dear Black Man

To whom it may concern
If it were to concern you at all
I am informing the collective you
that after years of being beaten down
mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually
I am finally giving up
gathering what's left of myself and retreating
Black man - It's time to quit you

I won't let you leave me unloved and unmarried
Single mother of three
Fifteen years of you and no wedding ring
I won't let you turn me into a lesbian
Too traumatized to let a man touch me again
I will simply seek other opportunities
Somewhere in this world I'll be appreciated for me
I just don't think it will be a Black man

The Black man did not find me reason enough to
put down the bottle, stop all the whoring
and just raise his damn child
The only thing he gave me was
his nose, his vices, his smile, and his fucked up attitude

Black man I call my brother saw fit to lay hands on me
And no, I don't mean spiritually
Fists turned into punches, hands turned into slaps
Spit in my face as you tickle me until I cry
You told me no man should ever put his hands on me
Yet, you beat me down on a regular basis
Offering love for me as your reasoning
And to think, you're the only man I've ever really trusted

Black man, you sure like to touch me
Wandering eyes led to wandering hands
No permission was granted but that didn't matter
Terrified three-year-old felt something wasn't right
But your threats bought you time in the form of my silence
Eleven-years-old, your hands trespass on thighs
This time, I'm old enough to know to run
Like I wish I could have those times at 19 you got me
drunk enough to take advantage of my inexperience and innocence

The Black man wants my fruit
without putting in any of the labor
and I know I could never depend on you to be there
If by chance I were to go into labor
You won't even commit to showing up at my house on time
And a relationship is out of the question
The only thing you understand is "friends with benefits"
Where you're the only "friend" that benefits
While I hug my sheets, watching you dress
I realize your pretense and this is just another way to use me

Even when you and I become involved
You take it upon yourself to run down a list
of everything YOU THINK is wrong with me
You like my curly hair but you think it's too short
It makes you wonder if I'm "mixed with something"
My in between skin, however, does not please you
I catch you staring at my high school pictures on the wall
You notice my hair was longer and my skin was lighter
Then you tell me that I could have your babies
because I "got good hair"
but we'd probably have to keep them out of the sun
You are shocked I don't find this complimentary

You tell me I need to lose some weight
Even though I haven't gained any since you met me
Two months after we break up you're dating some white girl
AT LEAST 20 lbs. heavier than me with NO ASS
And even if she has an ass it's no bigger than mine
But you treasure hers because she's a white girl
when the same ass was just "aiight" on me
You value my features on a white canvas
But on brown paper they're commonplace

The black man loves to be contradictory
because I'm apparently "too white" for you
You don't care that I'm a product of my environment
All you can see is that I can name more than ten John Mayer songs
My fondness for subject-verb agreement upsets you
The only reason you're talking to me is to see if I can
put you on to one of my cute white girlfriends
or because you think I can fulfill that sick black-white-girl fetish of yours
You smile coyly as you tell me I'm the best of both worlds
A black girl on the outside, white girl on the inside
This is how you repay me for not being a Viacom stereotype

The black man accuses me of having too much self-esteem
You say I think too highly of myself
When the reality is after having you crush me for twenty-one years
I've realized only I can guarantee myself love
Reinforced when the man I am taught to call King
Gladly spits on the image of the woman that bore him
You will never share your strength with me
Why fault me for having my own?

Black man will say I am generalizing him...
And I am... And I don't care
I refuse to waste my life and my time
on men who don't really want me, who see me as the fallback
You want to use me up, have me play backdoor ho
until you find whatever it is that you're looking for

BLACK WOMEN need to wake up to what stares us in the face
We remain the most unmarried demographic because
Black men gave up on us first
Black men decided we were no longer desirable
and we continue to chase after your asses
When we could really just look elsewhere

After all these years black man
I never thought I'd being saying this to you
but I see why society turns its nose up at you
Don't be upset with me black man, you drove me here
but I will not let you ruin me
Instead, I will turn my back on you
just like you did to me, twenty-one years ago

Things I Should Probably Keep To Myself [3/3191987]

Maybe I've been missing Louisiana... Or Eli... Or something... But I've been drunk, A LOT lately... More than usual. I've been partying nearly everyday and the comedowns have all resulted in serious soul searching and I've come to realize a lot of things about myself and my life. Photographic proof is the source for some of these realizations.

1. I tend to kiss people when I'm plastered.

Now this isn't usually a problem being that it's usually on the cheek or something but there have been quite a few times, especially recently, that I've straight made out with people that I have no romantic feelings for when I'm drunk. I don't know what this is about, I don't even like making out when I'm SOBER. One of these times led me to declaring war on my beloved Grey Goose vodka and saying I'd never get drunk again... I went out later that night and got plastered. I am lucky that more people do not have pictures of me kissing random folk... At least these two girls are my good friends. ;) BTW... I didn't even remember taking this pic but was all "lol" when I got tagged to it on Facebook.

2. My tolerance is way too high for my own good.

Perhaps I should rethink the word tolerance in terms of drinking because I figure since I know what and how much will make me puke... I can drink until I am incoherent as long as I don't puke. See that picture -- That's me on the 4th of July (hell no I didn't wear red, white, and blue) and that liquid you see in that cup is not water... THAT IS HOW MUCH GREY GOOSE I POURED INTO MY CUP before adding cranberry juice. There's only about 2 cubs of ice in it and that was my second cup... See how proud I am that I'm about to crush that much goose? I also had several jello shots and something called a juicy fruit... And it actually tasted like the gum, or at least it did when I was hammered. I don't know. Now this is what I remember drinking or what the pictures remembered me drinking. I just never stop until my body gives me the warning that I might throw up... That's the only thing that will get me to stop drinking (besides running out of liquor). If my "tolerance" were lower I wouldn't get so drunk and I could probably prevent myself from making out with people.

3. I club too much.

(I want to start off by saying that is not the same shirt from the 4th of July... This picture is actually from the 5th and it's a Shiress, not a shirt.) When I turned 18, I loved the club and then I hated clubbing for like 2 years+ and I don't know what happened but now I'm a club fiend. Actually, I think what happened is I started hanging out with the girl in the picture (Stephy b.k.a. Kelly Kapowski) too damn much. The thing is, when I think about it... I don't even know why I like to club so much. I get hating bitches accidentally spilling drinks on me 5x in one night, scary Africans/Jamaicans who don't understand, "Nah, I'm good" trying to rape dance with me, I always seem lame people I know from high school I've been trying to avoid... I could go on with my run-on. For some reason though, I continue to club on a regular basis. I will probably be out this Thursday because... That's what I do. The worst part is my usual establishment, Iguana Cantina (as seen on the on the photostamp), isn't particularly classy or full of fine ass men... I just like the open bar and cheap cover... Ohh, and my favorite bartender. See, I have a favorite bartender. This is a problem.

I guess the true realization is that I'm a social alcoholic. Ohh well. Hope you all had a good weekend.

Thanks For Reminding Me!

Adding to the list of reasons I am an outcast in the black community; I would like to take this time to acknowledge my lack of religion. I am not a good Christian; I wouldn't even call myself a Christian. I do not practice any form of religion at all. I oscillate between what they call "mild or weak agnosticism" and "agnostic theism." Basically, I don't rule out the possibility of a God (I mostly believe there is one) but I don't see the evidence behind it and such. More importantly, I choose not to commit myself to any one religion.

None of this matters to most Christian black folk that I encounter because as soon as I say the words, "I am not religious," I might as well be an atheist. The holier-than-thou attitude infuriates me. I do not disrespect their views or their religious beliefs so why the disrespect of mine? When they're going on and on and on about what God has done for them and how I need to let God into my life, I don't tell them that they sound like brain-washed fools even if that is how they sound to me. No, I don't think all religious people are brain-washed fools but I don't believe that everything horrible that has ever happened to me in my life happened wouldn't have happened or would have somehow not been as horrific if I were a Christian.

Around the age of 9 or 10, I completely denounced all religion and refused to ever go back to church again while eating cheese fries in a Wendy's. When I tell this to people they say, "My mom would have never let me do that!" "My mom would have whooped my ass!" What these people don't understand is the "I don't want to go to church anymore" battle started at about 3. I'm saying this to say she fought for at least 6 years but she finally gave up when she realized I was dead serious. I didn't want to go sit in some building and stare in the faces of known hypocrites dancing in aisles, shouting, and then going back home to beat their wives, drink themselves to death, molest children, etc. I don't say this to say this is how all churches are but this is what I was growing up around and this was my perspective so I got a very bad view of church at a young age.

Fast forward and I'm all grown up and some of my friends think they can sway me; they continually invite me to church with them. They all tell me the same thing, "My church isn't like that." By that they mean any complaint I may have about any previous church. My experiences with all these churches vary; I went to one on and off for a little while in attempt to become more religious thinking it would make me happier but it didn't, it just made me feel fake. There were several that I walked out on because I guess I came on the day that they decided to spew hate against homosexuals and I really couldn't stand for that. At this point in my life, I feel like I've given the religious life a chance and I know it's not for me. I don't expect that everyone is going to accept my lifestyle, I'm not stupid. I just find it annoying when I'm attacked because I don't share someone else's beliefs.

Tonight/this morning I called to check in on a friend who just always seems to be frazzled. She told me she was going back home to Kentucky (from Atlanta) and that she had gotten herself right with God. I said good, because I truly meant it and I know that her relationship with her God is very important to her. She asked me how I've been and I told her I'm alright except I haven't been sleeping and then she proceeds to preach to me for at least 45 minutes about how I can't sleep because I'm not right with God. At first I listened and just let her go on because I've learned it's best not argue with religious people about religion but then she pissed me off. I had told her their were reasons why I walk around with so much pain but I don't always share them with people because I don't wish to be that person who complains about their rough life. It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am and what I've been through but I don't wish to dwell on it and bring others down with it. Somehow, she decides that the devil and I are having a pity party and that's why I can't sleep. This is when I told her I don't know this devil of which you speak and I don't pity myself or expect anyone else to pity me and I said, "Bad things happen, all the time. Life is never going to be peaches and roses for everybody and I know even though I'm in pain a lot of the time somebody's got it worse." So then she tells me, "Well, I don't mean to make your pain sound menial but bad stuff happens all the time so... It's your choice." This is when I raised my voice at her and screamed and let her know that just because bad things happen does not mean it's okay and none of what has happened to me (that I can't get over) has been my fault.

I know all religious people are not like this but I run into this all the time. It's crazy to me that they judge me so harshly when they don't know my circumstance. I could have sworn they were supposed to leave the judgement to their God. If you are right and I burn in hell, so be it. It is my soul and my life, right? I wonder how many of them could have lived my life and come out unscathed, still holding on to blind faith. Sometimes it feels like that if I were a child molester but a devout Christian, I'd get a pass from these people but since I'm just a person trying to do the right thing as much as possible who doesn't like to go to church then I'm the worst kind of heathen. I don't get these people but I would like to thank my "friend" and everyone like her for reminding me why I denounced religion in that Wendy's in the first place!

I Like The Celtics But I HATE Boston.

I write this for peace of mind.
I write this because I cannot express myself through other means.
I write this because I am thinking of things that I never thought.

I never thought this would happen to someone that I know... knew.
I never thought that the last time I saw you would be the last time I'd ever see you again but it was and I hate myself for not remembering what you were wearing.
I never thought I'd regret all the petty arguments.
I never thought you wouldn't see your 21st birthday.

I don't have the right to fall apart now.
I have to hold it together for your sister, my friend -- the woman I call my sister because she is a big sister to me. She is hands down one of the best people I've ever known and my whole being hurts for her because I know how much she hurts right now. Someone has taken you and even though she were not the one who bore you, you are basically her first born. Nobody wants to bury their child.

So now the tears fall.
The questions are asked...
What were the circumstances?
What was this over?
Why was a 15-year-old out so late?

And I try to hold it together but I have to admit I don't handle these things very well. I don't handle death very well especially when the circumstances are so terrible. Twenty years. That's it. That's how long you lived. You will never get to not need your fake ID. I don't care how silly that sounds but you loved SoCo and Lime and you will never get to LEGALLY buy some.

I'm just so angry.
All of the lives this will affect.
You were a presence.
...Not a person anyone could ever forget.
You will not only be missed but you will be mourned.
I, personally, have never had so many arguments and good times with a person in such a short amount of time.

This 15-year-old boy...
He has ended your life and ruined his.
Whatever his reason for stabbing you, this mess has resulted in the destruction of two lives, two families...
I do not feel for him though.
I do not feel bad for his family.
I only feel anger and pain and hurt and resentment and...

AND WHY CAN'T I FIND YOUR NAME IN THE NEWS?
WHY CAN'T I FIND SOMETHING IN BOSTON OR SURROUNDING AREAS THAT SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOU???
THIS ASSAULT HAS TURNED INTO A HOMICIDE. DON'T THEY JUST LOVE SHIT LIKE THIS? LET'S GET THE REACTION FROM THE VICTIM'S FAMILY!

That's my anger taking over again but I just want to scream at everyone who doesn't understand why I'm just so damn mad.

They say your blood wouldn't clot.
It made no sense to keep giving you blood.
There was nothing more they could do.

And now that's what stands in your place... Nothing.
And all I can do is wish you never went to Boston but wishing is never going to bring you back or change it. I'm not going to wake up from this nightmare because this is all real. You are never coming back. I'll never cuss you out again. We'll never get fucked up again. You'll never tell me "PEEP" before every important thing you say again. No more "Heeeyyyyy white girrrl" to random chicks in grocery stores. No more having you tell me I'm a "fuckin' lunchbox" after almost everything I say. I hope to never forget these memories.

But anyway, I got our picture up on my MySpace and my Facebook and people will laugh because we're both drunk in it and they'll say who is that boy with you???

And I'll tell them all... His name IS Elisha T. Adams and he will ALWAYS be my friend. That is something no bold 15-year-old with a knife, no doctors, no God, NOBODY could ever take away.

Friends of the Time or Friends of Like Mind

Lately when I think of most of my closet friends I start to wonder, "Are we growing up and/or growing apart?" In general, I've had most of the same friends since elementary school but it seems like the people I hang with most are newer editions to my life. I'm not trying to put anyone on the back burner but sometimes I feel like my older friends don't get me anymore. I want to hang with my older friends so badly but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to try so hard. On the other hand if I don't do something maybe all my friendships will end up like me and the girl in the picture on the right.

She and I were the best of friends, inseparable really (but I guess not.) That picture is not even 3 years old. I have a sneaky feeling it's just over two years old but I'm not sure. She and I barely talk anymore and I'm not really sure what happened. I put no blame on anyone, I really think that was just the way it ended up. We're not on bad terms. If she ever needed anything I'd be there and she knows it and I truly feel it's the same for me but I wonder how best friends become old friends and it only takes a few months. Those who know us probably thought it was a long time coming but I don't know... Now that it's all said and done I'm down one best friend and that doesn't feel so great.

I hate that quote about people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... It seriously irks me. I don't know why it is that I hate almost anything that rationalizes why life sucks sometimes. I do like this quote though and it's basically rationalizing the same thing: There are two kinds of friends, friends of time and friends of like mind.

When I look at that I wonder if it's true and then I get sad all over again because (as I said) I feel like most of my friends don't get me. So are they all friends of the time? I want to be able to have a bridesmaid at my wedding that I've known since 2nd grade! I want Jinnelle to be my maid of honor because that's the way I always planned it. I want my kids to call these people "Auntie" and "Uncle" so-and-so but the way things are going I don't know anymore.

So I guess it's not the growing up I have a problem with (no matter how slow I am at doing it, lol) but it's the growing apart that's killing me. Someone said you never have to change your friends if you understand that friend's change but I don't believe that. I can accept that people change but it doesn't mean that I have to accommodate your changes. I don't owe any of my friends unconditional love.

I know this post kind of rambled but I really am blown. I just don't want to look back at my life and have a billion pictures of people I don't know anymore.

I AM NOBODY'S FETISH

((Disclaimer: This is an unusually long post for me but it is something that is true life and I feel many people (black women especially) can relate.))

As it has been explained, Lisa Turtle has spent a good portion of her life being the only black girl around. This has provided her with a severe lack of close black friends (especially girls) and ridicule for having a tendency to appreciate several things deemed "white" (many of which have appeared in Stuff White People Like). I may have also mentioned that I used to be a white boy connoisseur, mainly because I didn't know very many black boys who actually dated black girls. Since turning 18, I have had not trouble finding black men but every so often a little issue comes up with the some of the ones who show interest in me.

It has come to my attention that I am often the transition or "test" black girl for those black men who have never dated or "messed with" a black girl. INITIALLY, this fact never bothered me. I can admit that (though I have no problem with interracial dating, LET'S BE CLEAR ON THAT) I was actually kind of proud of it. I even, jokingly, referred to myself as the "white girl dream crusher," meaning that I crush the dream or ideal that "white is right." This was all fine in dandy in my head, I was happy to help bring some "brothas" back to the dark side... This was until I was discussing with a guy how I noticed that many guys who only date white girls tend to express interest in me to which he replied:

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS; A BLACK GIRL WITH A WHITE GIRL MENTALITY.

I cannot explain how much that one statement pissed me off. I began to reevaluate the relationships I had with all of these guys who previously seemed completely disinterested in black girls at all. Did they too think this way about me? I tried to put this out of my mind but recently, someone picked at the scab. I met this guy who is... Well, to be honest, I don't really think he's cute but my friends do and since I'm somewhat shallow I appreciated this... Anyway, I met this guy and he seemed nice and all that jazz until he up and says to me,

I only date white girls or black girls who act white, and that's why I like you... Because you act white.

Those who know me know that I can't stand that... I hate when people say I "act" white mainly because I don't try to act any certain way. I just am who I am. After he told me that I was completely turned off but me being me I just kind of let him continue to fawn over me because... Well, that's just what I do (if I'm being honest). This was until I happened to read his blogs on MySpace. Please enjoy this excerpt:

I am looking for a Caucasian or foreign type of female. Educated, sort of thick, no kids, religious and very down to earth. PERSONAL NOTE: I LOVE my black sisters but I DON'T want to have any kids or marry one nor am I messing with a female in the past. FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS and I am leaving it at that.

Again, me being me, I could not let this go. I was completely pissed that he would even bother to pursue me when he feels my entire race is beneath him. So I commented, simply saying "What is your gripe with black women?" Enjoy the conversation that followed (and I apologize on behalf of humanity for his stupidity).

Him: Black women will always be known to be nubian princesses in my heart. My future woman will be caucasian though I feel as though a caucasian women will best suite my future wants and needs.

Me:
1. I hope you know that makes no sense.
2. I don't appreciate you trying to get at me (even if you don't try anymore) when you feel as though it is beneath you to date my entire race.
3. If you love black women so much and they are your nubian princesses then why do you feel one will never be good enough to meet your standards?
4. Do you realize it is self-hatred when you are basically saying white is right and black is wrong?
5. I hope no woman, black, white, "foreign" or whatever falls for your ridiculous brand of fetishism.

P.S.: I also did not appreciate you telling me that you liked me because you like black girls who "act white."

Him:
1) we hung out one time
2) this is a FREE COUNTRY, I can choose who I want to date w/o being crticized
3) If you don't like my blog, DON'T COMMENT ON IT because I wasn't expecting negative feedback
4) If you want to delete yourself from my page, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO SO!

THANKS...

Me:
1. I know we hung out one time and I don't believe you saw me trying to hang with you more than that.
2. I don't actually care who you date but I was standing up for MY RACE (you know, the one you're a part of too) and I don't think anyone should limit who they fall in love with based on RACE.
3. YES, IT IS A FREE COUNTRY AND THEREFORE I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO MY OPINIONS.
4. If you want to control who can read your blogs DO SO but being that you have them out in the open I guess you want people to read them... You cannot control the way people feel, think, and react.
5. Going through my friends to find and delete you is not worth the time being that you pose no threat to me.
6. I love how you didn't address any of the points that I made.

BUT, BY ALL MEANS, CONTINUE TO DO YOU.

I would post the rest of our conversation but it's kind of irrelevant (to sum it up for those of you who are curious he tried to smooth the situation over and I was not having it so then he told me he deleted me on MySpace, deleted my friend Stephanie, deleted my number, deleted messages, etc.).

I should be offended, right? He and other little boys (because that's what they are) like him try to make me feel as though I should feel privileged to pass their white enough black girl test. I don't feel privileged or honored, I feel disgusted. I start to wonder why these lame-asses are attracted to me (other than the reason they state) and I wonder what I am doing to give off that vibe. Then I throw it all in the air and decide it's their own ignorance and it's not my problem but I can't lie, it definitely bothers me. I'm not willing to be a taste of chocolate for some white man so I for damn sure won't be some black man's black-white girl fetish. What the hell is that? I need thoughts on this topic. Please help your girl out!

OHH, AND THIS IS THAT BAMMA'S MYSPACE. BLACK WOMEN, SCRATCH THAT... WOMEN BETWEEN MARYLAND AND PENNSYLVANIA, STAY AWAY. HE ATTENDS KEYSTONE COLLEGE AND YES I AM PUTTING HIM ON BLAST.

Nas Drops The N-Bomb

So I learned today that Nas has decided against naming his forthcoming album "Nigger" and the album will, reportedly, be untitled. I have to say this news is somewhat displeasing... Because I have not heard the album (obviously) I was never 100% sure that the title corresponded with the lyrical content but my faith in Nas (my favorite rapper - fuck the haters) made me believe that it couldn't just be a publicity ploy. Now that he has agreed to change the name of his album, I am kind of disappointed. I loved his "I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck" attitude towards the press, his record label, any and everyone who didn't like it. At the same time I understand why he would change the title... I can't see Target selling an album called NIGGER or Best Buy even. I'm also happy that he at least didn't rename it to something less powerful just to appease others... Leaving it untitled still preserves his original statement in a way.

You can read more about this here.

Now check out his new song, "N.I.G.G.E.R (The Slave and The Master)

Thinking Out Loud (So To Speak...)

In just two years
A baby goes from just being able to move its head
To walking, talking, feeding itself
Communicating how it thinks and feels
So many little milestones on the path to becoming a toddler

In the last two years
I've been to two different schools
Lived in two different states
Almost lost you in a car accident
Only to lose you to somebody else a month later
I've broken your heart
You've broken mine
My mom survived breast cancer
I've made friends and lost friends
We've broken up and always made up
So many good times but many more bad times
And through it all I've kept my strength

But you question my strength
You question the strength of my love for you
You don't see how in "such a short time"
I can feel so strongly
You do not trust my word
You do not believe that I love you

The lover in me wants to prove myself to you
Pull out all the stops
Paint the story of my love over melodies
And sing them to you

The rest of me wonders
Why I should have to prove my love
To someone who has not proven their love to me

You hold the past over my head
And I can admit that the way I was acting
I did not have OUR best interest at heart
But I'm not that girl anymore
And I'm not trying to hurt you anymore

BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
You insist that I am dramatizing my feelings
And I just think that I love you
And you're not going to let me break your heart -- again
And you're not going to let me play these games

WHAT GAMES?
It seems to me you're the only one playing games these days
I don't get it
I thought maybe it was about sex
So I stopped giving it to you
And you stick around
And pick fights with me
And tell me you love me
And then take it back
And tell me that I don't love you
I just don't get it

I don't like who we're becoming
You said you want it to be how it used to be
But I don't think it can
Why can't we just find a new way to be
Or not be at all?

It scares me that we're turning into a Lauryn Hill song
It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard
When all you have to do is say what you mean and mean what you say
Everything else will work itself out

----------------
Now playing: Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor
via FoxyTunes

Def Poetry Jam Post [2/11191986]

"Next Wednesday" by Mush

"Remember me for my way of getting people into trouble--
I wish to graduate from college,
become an artist, have two kids,
and one day go to heaven."

A childhood friend wrote this ten years ago in our sixth grade yearbook
Last year, she dropped out of art school
Last month, she told me that she was getting an abortion
for the second time
Her last wish before graduating sixth grade was to go to heaven
but this depends on what she does between now
and next Wednesday

This is the girl with the biggest brown eyes
I've ever seen
She's got Venus fly traps for lashes
and lips that make conversation blush
every time she speaks
This is the girl that taught me how to shave my pubes
The same girl that schooled me on how to inhale
seven inch bananas
with no hands
Best friends like sisters
I know her well enough to know that
she's the type who in times of trouble
hides by being stagnant
Says it's her birth right,
see her dad left twenty-three years ago
Stopped paying child-support before she could walk
Stopped calling the following year
And by that Christmas
this man had stopped sending cards all together
And I wish
I had hugged her more when we were younger

Back then, baby used to cut herself with broken pieces of father
Swallow them whole
then molds herself like wet clay
inside mens bodies
even though it bothered her when they talked about fathers
All grown, she buries herself
beneath layers of player façade
Searching for touch
she doesn't even remember
Thinks every other mans hands will mend her
Twenty-three years of neglect
She lets these men run ins and out on her
just like he did

And I wanna tell her
You've got men grabbing at you from every angle
But if you don't feel like getting down tonight
It's alright, girl, just say so
Next Wednesday, is more than an abortion day
It's about change
So jump through
Move
Run, if you have to
But don't look back
I will be here
Gouging fistfuls of lavender for safe-keeping
Tattoo their silhouette across your chest
So you never forget
You are my first love
So breathe free
Cause your own future can't afford to lose you
And baby, neither can we