Things I Should Probably Keep To Myself [3/3191987]

Maybe I've been missing Louisiana... Or Eli... Or something... But I've been drunk, A LOT lately... More than usual. I've been partying nearly everyday and the comedowns have all resulted in serious soul searching and I've come to realize a lot of things about myself and my life. Photographic proof is the source for some of these realizations.

1. I tend to kiss people when I'm plastered.

Now this isn't usually a problem being that it's usually on the cheek or something but there have been quite a few times, especially recently, that I've straight made out with people that I have no romantic feelings for when I'm drunk. I don't know what this is about, I don't even like making out when I'm SOBER. One of these times led me to declaring war on my beloved Grey Goose vodka and saying I'd never get drunk again... I went out later that night and got plastered. I am lucky that more people do not have pictures of me kissing random folk... At least these two girls are my good friends. ;) BTW... I didn't even remember taking this pic but was all "lol" when I got tagged to it on Facebook.

2. My tolerance is way too high for my own good.

Perhaps I should rethink the word tolerance in terms of drinking because I figure since I know what and how much will make me puke... I can drink until I am incoherent as long as I don't puke. See that picture -- That's me on the 4th of July (hell no I didn't wear red, white, and blue) and that liquid you see in that cup is not water... THAT IS HOW MUCH GREY GOOSE I POURED INTO MY CUP before adding cranberry juice. There's only about 2 cubs of ice in it and that was my second cup... See how proud I am that I'm about to crush that much goose? I also had several jello shots and something called a juicy fruit... And it actually tasted like the gum, or at least it did when I was hammered. I don't know. Now this is what I remember drinking or what the pictures remembered me drinking. I just never stop until my body gives me the warning that I might throw up... That's the only thing that will get me to stop drinking (besides running out of liquor). If my "tolerance" were lower I wouldn't get so drunk and I could probably prevent myself from making out with people.

3. I club too much.

(I want to start off by saying that is not the same shirt from the 4th of July... This picture is actually from the 5th and it's a Shiress, not a shirt.) When I turned 18, I loved the club and then I hated clubbing for like 2 years+ and I don't know what happened but now I'm a club fiend. Actually, I think what happened is I started hanging out with the girl in the picture (Stephy b.k.a. Kelly Kapowski) too damn much. The thing is, when I think about it... I don't even know why I like to club so much. I get hating bitches accidentally spilling drinks on me 5x in one night, scary Africans/Jamaicans who don't understand, "Nah, I'm good" trying to rape dance with me, I always seem lame people I know from high school I've been trying to avoid... I could go on with my run-on. For some reason though, I continue to club on a regular basis. I will probably be out this Thursday because... That's what I do. The worst part is my usual establishment, Iguana Cantina (as seen on the on the photostamp), isn't particularly classy or full of fine ass men... I just like the open bar and cheap cover... Ohh, and my favorite bartender. See, I have a favorite bartender. This is a problem.

I guess the true realization is that I'm a social alcoholic. Ohh well. Hope you all had a good weekend.

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [4/95454521545]

Today I present a very special edition of Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle, an edition that has been about 5-6 days in the making (ya girl been busy!). I have disturbing and exciting news for you lovely people, your girl, Lisa M. Turtle has a CRUSH. Now I know some of you don't know me like that but trust me when I say it is a rarity for me to develop one these nasty little diseases.

(A little backstory)
Kelly Kapowski and I hit the club on Saturday (not our usual night but I was celebrating becoming a valid 21-year old again*) and we were looking extra fly. Saturday is also, unfortunately, the day my dear friend Elisha Adams passed so I was trying my damndest to keep it together and hold it down Scorpio style for him. Upon arrival at the bar Kelly notices a dude with a MOHAWK (yep, mohawk) and stars shaved on the sides of his head (yep, stars too)! We were at the bar ridiculing homeboy, just straight crackin' on him! Then we get out on the dance floor we both notice that he is actually quite cute (for a "white boy") and dancing with an ugly, possibly mildly retarded girl and I decide it is my mission to get him. So I pull a fast one on ol' girl -- I do the switch-a-roo and get at my man. I then realize that this is no white boy... THIS IS A PUERTO RICAN. LoL, he totally thought I was Dominican and that Kelly Kapowski was Puerto Rican (she's Sicilian) but that's okay... Happens to us often. So I am just showing out... Grindin' all up on him, ended up making out with him... SO NOT MY USUAL STYLE!!! I even gave him my number... I give no one my number!

So he gets kicked out for defending his sister but he calls me when I'm on my way home and I end up seeing him later that night. We've been talking everyday since but he unfortunately lives in Philly and right now he's actually visiting Puerto Rico. I don't know why but this crush has not subsided, it has only gotten worse. I've been watching MTV TR3S, thinking about my middle school Latino boyfriends, and staring at Jon Seda**. I don't know what do with myself... I know I said I wanted an Asian man but right now I'm thinking Puerto Ricans are where it's at. For those of you who don't know me like that let me just say that under no circumstances have I shown attraction for Latino men past the age of 14... In fact, I haven't shown a fondness for anything other than black men in the last 3 or 4 years! This new obsession is leaving my friends speechless! ¡No soy dominicana pero quiero un boricua! (I apologize for any bad Spanish I may have used.)

Well, at least I was given inspiration for this mixtape. Please enjoy the lunchin' cover inspired/stolen from the movie I Like It Like That and if you haven't seen it... GET ON THAT. IT'S A CLASSIC.

I present to you, Lisa Turtle: Lisa y Chino<3 (The Crush Mixtape)

Get it here.

01. Love At First Sight - Kyle Minogue
02. Swing My Way - KP & Enyvi
03. Whine Up (Feat. Elephant Man) - Kat Deluna
04. If - Janet Jackson
05. Irresistible - Jessica Simpson
06. Toxic - Britney Spears
07. Crush - Jennifer Paige
08. Baby - Brandy
09. Infatuation - Christina Aguilera
10. 1Thing - Amerie
11. C.R.U.S.H. - Ciara
12. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom - Selena
13. 2 Of You - Danity Kane
14. Baby Boy (Feat. Sean Paul) - Beyoncé
15. I Want You - Erykah Badu
16. Take My Time - J*Davey
17. A Long Walk - Jill Scott
18. Underneath The Stars - Mariah Carey
19. 4 Page Letter - Aaliyah
20. See You Again - Miley Cyrus

*A few weeks ago Kelly Kapowski lost our lives at the club (IDs, money, camera, phones, LIP GLOSS) and I was rocking an expired ID until recently... I have a valid ID again. :)
**I've had a thing for Jon Seda since I Like It Like That and Selena*** put it OVER THE TOP for me.
***If you haven't seen Selena you suck at LIFE.

Happiness, Birthdays, Clubbing, Ho-ING, ETC.

Hey y'all! Your favorite gangstafied suburbanite is in a ridiculously good mood! I'm going out tonight (OBVIOUSLY, it IS Thursday) and I'm gonna make it a fishnets night.

A good friend of mine turned 21 today!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONITA RENE'E!

In addition, I'm listening to my husband Lupe and I haven't in a minute.

Okay, pointless post! Ohh well! I'm happy! All you Anne Arundel County-ens can catch Lisa Turtle at the most over-hyped mall in MD in an hour or so. I'm off to get some ho-cessories. PLEASE ENJOY THIS OBAMA/EDWARDS MACRO:

(Representative of Stephy and I whenever we stunt on these hos!)

----------------
Now playing: Lupe Fiasco - Go Baby (Feat. GemStones)
via FoxyTunes

Lisa, Kelly, and Screech Take On THE ROOTS?!!!

Yesterday, three young, unsuspecting dumbasses ventured out on the smoker's holiday for a different kind of green -- an Earth Day Celebration. Lured by the phantom promise of THE ROOTS?!!!* and friends (Talib Kweli, Ne-Yo**, Chrisette Michele***, Wale****, etc...). Sadly, these poor, unfortunate souls*^5 did not accurately foresee the grim future that lay ahead of them. What should have been a day full of drunken, high white people, ganja, THE ROOTS?!!!*, crappy - but bearable weather, turned into an EPIC day of trauma. (Right: Look at them, looking all dry and happy. Ignorance is bliss...)

When young Les (Screech), Stephanie (Kelly), and Jasmine (your heroine Lisa Turtle) first awoke on Saturday, April 20, 2008 to disgusting rain the P.G. County area, they reluctantly decided against their previously made plans of seeing THE ROOTS?!!!*. As the skies cleared and the rained stopped, they hastily got ready and set out on an adventure. This adventure included Metro switch confusion (it's okay, our hero Lisa Turtle saved the day even though she was repeatedly pegged as the "non-Metro rider"), partially overcoming Lisa's ridiculously terrible fear of the Metro (and trains in general) and escalators. They arrived at the Smithsonian Metro stop only to see people opening umbrellas and throwing on ponchos so they began to panic. Armed with two hoodies (the girls), a jacket (the boy), and one tiny umbrella that flips up in the wind, they were not prepared for this:

It was terrible... It was like walking in a freaking monsoon. At the urging of Stephanie, the three kept pressing on to see what was going on at the venue but after waiting and getting soaked for awhile, they decided to retreat to the Metro station. Halfway to their destination, they hear the concert shall resume so they head BACK to the stage. After a few minutes of talking some hippy old man drunkenly gurgles some bluesy-ish tunes out and butchers, "One." Then Ed Norton comes out looking all white boy fine and talks about something but it sounds like nothing and then some activist and then some old white man who won't just shut the fuck up and then the monsoon comes back and the man who won't shutup wants everyone to wait the storm out. AT THIS POINT, Lisa, Kelly, and Screech have had ENOUGH so they (once again) head back to the Metro station. It had to be the longest walk ever. After they were sufficiently soaked from head to toe (seriously, everything but T-Pain*^6) they arrive to an overwhelming mob*^7 and transit authority agents who won't let them into the station. As these fuckheads who take their jobs too seriously finally let people come in, Lisa Turtle is nearly paralyzed with fear at the realization she will have to walk down a soaking wet escalator that seemed neverending. (It should be noted Lisa Turtle is afraid of heights, escalators, walking up and/or down non-moving escalators, trains, falling to her death, and SLIPPERY escalators). Lisa Turtle SLOWLY but safely made it down the death trap and through the gates. Kelly and Screech faced opposition from a soaking wet fare card and SmarTrip card (Look out for a picture of Kelly trying to blow hers dry). Once in the Metro station they hop on the first train they can and continue to do this all the way back to their original Metro location. All of this hell and they never even got to see THE ROOTS?!!!*. Lisa never got to see Black Thought (a prominent member of the list of Black Menz Jasmine Wants To Drop It Off In Her Draaaaaawz). Neither Lisa nor Kelly got to see Ne-Yo. Young Screech's plans to see THE ROOTS?!!!* were foiled again.

Wringing water out of a sweatshirt that is really light gray.
Kelly Kapowski trying to blow her fare card dry.

It was the most fun torture we'd ever had.

*"THE ROOTS?!!!" is in reference to a friend of my random neighbor Tim. It was his exclamation when Stephy and I told him about the concert. It was totally obvious he had like never heard a song by The Roots but it was his way of pretending to be interested.
**Les was in no way interested in seeing Ne-Yo, this was only Stephanie and I.
***Nobody really wanted to see Chrisette Michele.
****Nobody really wanted to see Wale either but we would have taken him over hippy/bluesy man.
*^5Reference to the song from The Little Mermaid.
*^6Stephanie had one a T-Pain t-shirt and though the rest of her was soaked, T-Pain remained dry.
*^7I definitely over-dramatized this.

The New Lisa Turtle™ Explained

It has occurred to me that I never actually explained why I am "The New Lisa Turtle™" so I have decided this warrants explanation. To understand, you'd have to understand who Lisa Turtle (the original) is (and I don't mean the actress that played her, Lark Voorhies). For the youngsters and those who just didn't watch Saved By The Bell I will explain her greatness. Lisa Turtle was Saved By The Bell's resident fly, token black chick even when it was Good Morning Miss Bliss. Now, most of what I know of Saved By The Bell/Good Morning Miss Bliss is through reruns (the show aired from 1988-1993 and I was born November of 1986) but I always knew that Lisa Turtle and I were kindred. Lisa Marie Turtle, like most of the Saved By The Bell characters was very one-dimensional so some of the things I will say are somewhat inferences based around what is known about her.

Like Lisa Turtle, I too attended predominately white schools nearly my entire life (only pre-school, kindergarten, first grade, and a partial semester in college were not). I too am used to being the only black girl in my class and often the only black person in my class. This is not to say there were no black people around, I just didn't have classes with the majority of them so it was like I didn't know any of them. Lisa can identify! She only had white friends (you know Zack, Kelly, Slater, Jessie, Screech, etc.). Other black people were rarely seen at Bayside, Lisa didn't even have any black friends (but at least Slater is Hispanic). My high school experience was not too dissimilar from hers, I was moderately popular with lots and lots of white friends. I was quite fashionable, my hair was always white people friendly (either pressed out straight or spiral curls -- you know how mystified SOME white people can be by black people with that naturally curly hair). Our taste in music is quite similar, though my scope may be broader than hers -- neither of us are afraid of the whitey music! Lisa Turtle was mostly single in high school (as was I) but did have small fleeting romances, mostly with cute, preppy white boys. She was, unfortunately, incessantly chased by Bayside's king of nerdom Samuel "Screech" Powers but this was all made okay when she got to have a brief (but cute) one episode romance with Bayside's hottest commodity Zack Morris. In high school I was a "white boy connoisseur," I liked them in all shapes, colors, sizes, types. I had my own versions of Screech but they were mainly obnoxious black boys who didn't get the hint! I (like the best schools, good drinking fountains, and seats in the front of the bus in the first half of the 1900s) was for whites only. Academically, Lisa and I paralleled -- smart but no Jessie Spano. She wanted to become a fashion designer; I wanted to be a patent lawyer. Lisa was accepted into FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) and I... went to community college.

This is where I stop being plain old Lisa Turtle and become the New Lisa Turtle. Beyond her showing up for Zack and Kelly's wedding and flirting it up with an ethnic cutie, we don't know what really became of Lisa Turtle. Maybe Lisa would have realized that fashion isn't what she really wanted to do and just one day quit FIT and come on back to Palisades, CA and mooch off of her surgeon parents (much like I am doing in Maryland -- mooching off my accountant mother and the money my retired father sends me). I wonder if Lisa Turtle's parents would have had the same "insight" my family had and think to themselves, Lisa should really learn to be around black people... LET'S SEND HER TO AN HBCU! Unlike me, Lisa probably would have chosen Spelman instead of the ghettotrocity that is Clark Atlanta University (and maybe she'd last a full semester). You see, I am the continuation of the Lisa Turtle saga; the story that went untold because she's not Kelly Kapowski. I am that girl who is unapologetically a product of her surroundings. Do I still exclusively date white guys? Hell to the no. No offense to my pigment challenged folk, but I am in love with the chocolate these days. Am I still stuck-up? Pretty much. Just call me "The snob of all snobs" (c) Naledge of Kidz in the Hall. Picture if someone took the Lisa Turtle we all know and love and gave her a foul mouth and a Grey Goose habit -- Now you've got the gist of me. Of course, unlike the character, I am multifaceted but I'm giving a general idea here.

I am the result of parents who worked hard to make sure their children did not have to grow up in the harsh world that so many people in my race do and that these children would have a chance at not being another statistic and another stereotype. Unfortunately, I am the new stereotype. They call girls and boys like me "Oreo." Black on the outside, white on the inside... WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? Do you know how many people grew up like me? It would be more phony for me to pretend that I am someone I am not. Everybody's a gangsta... Try being the only black person in your class when discussing A Raisin In The Sun or Native Son and trying to persuade people who don't feel it that racism is forever alive and kicking. The older you get the harder it is to reconcile the "white" world that you grew up in and the black person you are. I am a true suburban gangster; I bask in my Lisa Turtleness and I encourage others to do the same.


----------------
Now playing: Dashboard Confessional - The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
via FoxyTunes