To Whom It May Concern

To The Roots?!!!, Chrisette Michele, Wale, and any and all members involved in that abomination of a song called "Rising Up":

I (and several of my comrades) have tried HARD to like that song... But we can't. I am going to lay out a plan for you to make this song better because I (we) feel it was a good idea in theory but you all somehow missed the boat.

1. IN THEORY, the go-go beat was a good idea but it didn't sound quite go-go-ey... I think I figured out where it got messed up. If you would please take out the piano/keyboard/whatever the hell that is that comes in during parts of the song (especially when Chrisette Michele is singing) then the song will go down at least 18 points on the annoying meter. I'm talking more bongos less piano. NEEDS MORE COWBELL!
   


2. IN THEORY, having Chrisette Michele sing the hook was a good idea... IN THEORY. Look, I will set my feelings aside about the supreme annoying-ness of her voice in general for a second and say... I understand why she was chosen BUT her voice is not working. It's not pure or pretty enough to carry off jazziness into the mainstream or to make people who fine her absolutely annoying (and there are a lot of us) forget that she's singing the hook. My suggestion to you is that you swap her out for the lush vocals of Jill Scott and if she won't do it, find that chick from Floetry.


3. *DEEP SIGH* Wale Wale Wale. I really did want to love you Wale. "Born" in DC, raised MURRLIN (Maryland for the rest of you), I wanted you to be more than an off brand bastard child of Kanyeezy and Weezy. Now look Wale, your critics constantly say your flow is awkward and you are intent on proving them right in this song. You have repeatedly stated that Black Thought is your favorite rapper so why did you not come harder when getting to spit on a track with your favorite rapper. I can't rap for shit but if I could do a track with Nas I'm trying to have a B-Rabbit 8 MILE moment. Instead you give this wacksauce and worse you don't even bother to correct them on this jacked up go-go-ish sound. I expected more from you but then again I don't know why. Now why don't you stop being EXTRA with all the DC accent shit and talk like somebody from MOCO (you know what I mean.)
   

These are my main gripes with this song. I love Black Thought in the song. The lyrics are pretty good. Due to the aforementioned elements, the song just didn't work. I suggest you pay close attention to my suggestions (especially 1 and 2) and re-record the song. Or you can continue to be that almost really hot band.

Love,
Jasmine a.k.a. The New Lisa Turtle & The Management

Listen To The Abomination Here

Lisa, Kelly, and Screech Take On THE ROOTS?!!!

Yesterday, three young, unsuspecting dumbasses ventured out on the smoker's holiday for a different kind of green -- an Earth Day Celebration. Lured by the phantom promise of THE ROOTS?!!!* and friends (Talib Kweli, Ne-Yo**, Chrisette Michele***, Wale****, etc...). Sadly, these poor, unfortunate souls*^5 did not accurately foresee the grim future that lay ahead of them. What should have been a day full of drunken, high white people, ganja, THE ROOTS?!!!*, crappy - but bearable weather, turned into an EPIC day of trauma. (Right: Look at them, looking all dry and happy. Ignorance is bliss...)

When young Les (Screech), Stephanie (Kelly), and Jasmine (your heroine Lisa Turtle) first awoke on Saturday, April 20, 2008 to disgusting rain the P.G. County area, they reluctantly decided against their previously made plans of seeing THE ROOTS?!!!*. As the skies cleared and the rained stopped, they hastily got ready and set out on an adventure. This adventure included Metro switch confusion (it's okay, our hero Lisa Turtle saved the day even though she was repeatedly pegged as the "non-Metro rider"), partially overcoming Lisa's ridiculously terrible fear of the Metro (and trains in general) and escalators. They arrived at the Smithsonian Metro stop only to see people opening umbrellas and throwing on ponchos so they began to panic. Armed with two hoodies (the girls), a jacket (the boy), and one tiny umbrella that flips up in the wind, they were not prepared for this:

It was terrible... It was like walking in a freaking monsoon. At the urging of Stephanie, the three kept pressing on to see what was going on at the venue but after waiting and getting soaked for awhile, they decided to retreat to the Metro station. Halfway to their destination, they hear the concert shall resume so they head BACK to the stage. After a few minutes of talking some hippy old man drunkenly gurgles some bluesy-ish tunes out and butchers, "One." Then Ed Norton comes out looking all white boy fine and talks about something but it sounds like nothing and then some activist and then some old white man who won't just shut the fuck up and then the monsoon comes back and the man who won't shutup wants everyone to wait the storm out. AT THIS POINT, Lisa, Kelly, and Screech have had ENOUGH so they (once again) head back to the Metro station. It had to be the longest walk ever. After they were sufficiently soaked from head to toe (seriously, everything but T-Pain*^6) they arrive to an overwhelming mob*^7 and transit authority agents who won't let them into the station. As these fuckheads who take their jobs too seriously finally let people come in, Lisa Turtle is nearly paralyzed with fear at the realization she will have to walk down a soaking wet escalator that seemed neverending. (It should be noted Lisa Turtle is afraid of heights, escalators, walking up and/or down non-moving escalators, trains, falling to her death, and SLIPPERY escalators). Lisa Turtle SLOWLY but safely made it down the death trap and through the gates. Kelly and Screech faced opposition from a soaking wet fare card and SmarTrip card (Look out for a picture of Kelly trying to blow hers dry). Once in the Metro station they hop on the first train they can and continue to do this all the way back to their original Metro location. All of this hell and they never even got to see THE ROOTS?!!!*. Lisa never got to see Black Thought (a prominent member of the list of Black Menz Jasmine Wants To Drop It Off In Her Draaaaaawz). Neither Lisa nor Kelly got to see Ne-Yo. Young Screech's plans to see THE ROOTS?!!!* were foiled again.

Wringing water out of a sweatshirt that is really light gray.
Kelly Kapowski trying to blow her fare card dry.

It was the most fun torture we'd ever had.

*"THE ROOTS?!!!" is in reference to a friend of my random neighbor Tim. It was his exclamation when Stephy and I told him about the concert. It was totally obvious he had like never heard a song by The Roots but it was his way of pretending to be interested.
**Les was in no way interested in seeing Ne-Yo, this was only Stephanie and I.
***Nobody really wanted to see Chrisette Michele.
****Nobody really wanted to see Wale either but we would have taken him over hippy/bluesy man.
*^5Reference to the song from The Little Mermaid.
*^6Stephanie had one a T-Pain t-shirt and though the rest of her was soaked, T-Pain remained dry.
*^7I definitely over-dramatized this.