Friends of the Time or Friends of Like Mind

Lately when I think of most of my closet friends I start to wonder, "Are we growing up and/or growing apart?" In general, I've had most of the same friends since elementary school but it seems like the people I hang with most are newer editions to my life. I'm not trying to put anyone on the back burner but sometimes I feel like my older friends don't get me anymore. I want to hang with my older friends so badly but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to try so hard. On the other hand if I don't do something maybe all my friendships will end up like me and the girl in the picture on the right.

She and I were the best of friends, inseparable really (but I guess not.) That picture is not even 3 years old. I have a sneaky feeling it's just over two years old but I'm not sure. She and I barely talk anymore and I'm not really sure what happened. I put no blame on anyone, I really think that was just the way it ended up. We're not on bad terms. If she ever needed anything I'd be there and she knows it and I truly feel it's the same for me but I wonder how best friends become old friends and it only takes a few months. Those who know us probably thought it was a long time coming but I don't know... Now that it's all said and done I'm down one best friend and that doesn't feel so great.

I hate that quote about people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... It seriously irks me. I don't know why it is that I hate almost anything that rationalizes why life sucks sometimes. I do like this quote though and it's basically rationalizing the same thing: There are two kinds of friends, friends of time and friends of like mind.

When I look at that I wonder if it's true and then I get sad all over again because (as I said) I feel like most of my friends don't get me. So are they all friends of the time? I want to be able to have a bridesmaid at my wedding that I've known since 2nd grade! I want Jinnelle to be my maid of honor because that's the way I always planned it. I want my kids to call these people "Auntie" and "Uncle" so-and-so but the way things are going I don't know anymore.

So I guess it's not the growing up I have a problem with (no matter how slow I am at doing it, lol) but it's the growing apart that's killing me. Someone said you never have to change your friends if you understand that friend's change but I don't believe that. I can accept that people change but it doesn't mean that I have to accommodate your changes. I don't owe any of my friends unconditional love.

I know this post kind of rambled but I really am blown. I just don't want to look back at my life and have a billion pictures of people I don't know anymore.

That Darn Lisa!

I keep disappearing and there are many reasons behind it but I'm trying to do better. I'm not just disappearing from my danish but in many aspects of my life... There's many reasons and when I figure out how to properly convey them to the people who care or can be helped from such experiences I will write them down and speak the words that need to be said.

Until then, I don't know what I'll write about or how often I'll write. I have ideas in my head but when I try to type it all out I quit. Hmm...



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Now playing: Alicia Keys - Lesson Learned (Feat. John Mayer)
via FoxyTunes

Life Updates Part I

I have not really been inspired to write lately. Well, that's kind of a lie because I have AT LEAST 5 danishes that I started in draft mode. This week has not been a good one for me. In case you didn't know, I've been sick (for what feels like, FOREVER) and it's cutting into my lifestyle. I thought I was going to get this nice gubment job and get paid nice gubment money but, sadly, no soy fluida en español so the job will likely go to some inmigrante o boricua instead (bitter much? YES!). I guess it's back to my other job prospects. I've got man problems! (Don't we all?) I won't dig too deep into that though. In conjunction with my illness, I am currently suffering from nature's cruelty to women and heavily medicating myself to cope with the pain involved with it.
Worst of all, my favoritest cousin in the whole widest world has ovarian cancer. This is where the tears start to flow as I write this. I forget how long she's had it because she waited AT LEAST a year to tell people but I found out sometime in the fall of 2007. First they told her 12-18 months, now they say no more than 6 months. I stand paralyzed and frozen at the thought of a life without her... The distance between Louisiana and Maryland is already too far. She has a daughter... A six year old daughter who is smart and beautiful and amazing and does not deserve this. My cousin does not deserve this. I do not deserve this. Excuse my selfishness, but why me? Sometimes, I look on my life and I wonder if I am a curse? There's more involved in why I say that but I won't get into that -- Things reveal themselves in time anyway. I just wish... That it were me instead of her. I don't live in RACIST ASS Hammond, LA and I don't have a daughter and I wouldn't have hesitated to let them rip my ovaries out with the initial diagnosis! I would have said fuck it, I've been begging for a hysterectomy for years anyway! Sometimes I'm mad at her and I don't think that's the right way to feel but what is the right way to feel? I'm just so hurt. I'm so tired. I'm tired of nothing ever going right and nothing ever being okay. I thought to myself yesterday, this is how people become alcoholics and drug addicts because being numb is better than hurting all the time... But I snap out of it. I wish I were religious because maybe then I would think to pray. I just want her to have a chance. I can do this cancer thing again if the results are the same... If, just like my mom, she comes out okay. I know this is not certain, because nothing is ever certain in life... Just like the doctor cannot hand my 24 year old cousin a death sentence because he/she does not know. Nobody knows. She's switched doctors, maybe the tests results will all come back that her tumors are benign and they just need to remove them. Maybe... Maybe... This is all a bad dream.

I don't know why I just wrote all of that.


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Now playing: Armor For Sleep - Raindrops
via FoxyTunes

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [3/95454521545]

I am a woman (a black woman at that) so that means I have man problems. I thought I should dedicate a mixtape to something familiar -- broken-hearted women. I am about to start a She-Woman Men Haters Club because men suck. This mixtape takes you through the stages of a heartbreak :

1. The First Signs/Trouble in paradise.
2. How can this be? *Tears* This can't be happening. I won't let you go.
3. Confused... Should I stay or should I go?
   
4. Acceptance/Finding the strength to say goodbye.
   
5. I'll be just fine fine fine fine fine. (Whoo!)

All the songs featured are by women only because I wanted to tell the story through the perspective of women (though I love many heartbreak songs by men.) So now I present, From A Woman's Perspective (Man Problems).Get it here.

1. Till It Happens To You - Corinne Bailey Rae
2. Key To My Heart - Danity Kane
3. Foolish Games - Jewel
4. Dickhead - Kate Nash
5. You'll Lose A Good Thing - Barbara Lynn
6. Take A Bow - Madonna
7. The Way That I Love You - Ashanti
8. You Made A Fool Of Me - Me'Shell NdegéOcello
9. Get Along With You - Kelis
10. Silly - Deniece Williams
11. Green Eyes - Erykah Badu
12. Back To Life (How Ever Do You Want Me)
13. I Don't Wanna - Aaliyah
14. Ain't No Way - Aretha Franklin
15. Walk Away - Christina Aguilera
16. My Love - Ciara
17. Goodbye - Alicia Keys
18. The Heart Of The Matter - India.Arie
19. Breakdown (Feat. Bone Thugs-N-Harmony) - Mariah Carey
20. Rolling Down My Face - Amerie
21. What About Us? - Brandy
22. Ring Da Bell - Monica
23. Green Light - Beyoncé
24. Why Should I Be Sad - Britney Spears

MY NIGHT

(((((DISCLAIMER: THIS IS THE ONLY SENTENCE I'M TRYING TO MAKE SURE IS RIGHT. IF ANYTHING ELSE IS ALL FUCKED UP, I SOWWIE -- I AM DRUNK.))))

I went out tonight trying to forget everything about that stupid stupid boy that I lurve. So this is how my night started:

I was feeling like Usher... DON'T LEAVE YO DUDE ROUND ME, TRUE PLAYA FA REAL.

But I heard this:
This is the song you played for me when I was in ATLANTA and you were trying to tell me you liked me (this was before it was a single BTW.)

The more I danced the more songs of ours they played and now I'm sad so I feel like this:


But really:
No seriously, WHY SHOULD I BE SAD?

Thinking Out Loud (So To Speak...)

In just two years
A baby goes from just being able to move its head
To walking, talking, feeding itself
Communicating how it thinks and feels
So many little milestones on the path to becoming a toddler

In the last two years
I've been to two different schools
Lived in two different states
Almost lost you in a car accident
Only to lose you to somebody else a month later
I've broken your heart
You've broken mine
My mom survived breast cancer
I've made friends and lost friends
We've broken up and always made up
So many good times but many more bad times
And through it all I've kept my strength

But you question my strength
You question the strength of my love for you
You don't see how in "such a short time"
I can feel so strongly
You do not trust my word
You do not believe that I love you

The lover in me wants to prove myself to you
Pull out all the stops
Paint the story of my love over melodies
And sing them to you

The rest of me wonders
Why I should have to prove my love
To someone who has not proven their love to me

You hold the past over my head
And I can admit that the way I was acting
I did not have OUR best interest at heart
But I'm not that girl anymore
And I'm not trying to hurt you anymore

BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
You insist that I am dramatizing my feelings
And I just think that I love you
And you're not going to let me break your heart -- again
And you're not going to let me play these games

WHAT GAMES?
It seems to me you're the only one playing games these days
I don't get it
I thought maybe it was about sex
So I stopped giving it to you
And you stick around
And pick fights with me
And tell me you love me
And then take it back
And tell me that I don't love you
I just don't get it

I don't like who we're becoming
You said you want it to be how it used to be
But I don't think it can
Why can't we just find a new way to be
Or not be at all?

It scares me that we're turning into a Lauryn Hill song
It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard
When all you have to do is say what you mean and mean what you say
Everything else will work itself out

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Now playing: Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor
via FoxyTunes

Why I'll Never Again Put Another Relaxer In My Hair

(Disclaimer: For those of you who don't know what a relaxer is (perm to black folks) because you have never been around black people in your life, Please visit here.)

PRE-RELAXATION

POST-RELAXATION

You like that face? That's the WHY WON'T MY HAIR GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS face. BTW, it's been almost a year since the relaxer.