OMFG THE CARPS

About a year ago my home-skillet Les hipped me to a little Canadian duo known as The Carps. If I could pinpoint their sound I'd totally define it here but I can't. I've heard they're afro-punk but I'll prefer to just label them as awesome. From the first note of the first song that auto-played on their MySpace about a year ago, I was immediately enthralled. I just think they are made of WIN. To date, they only have two EPs (The Young & Passionate Days of Carpedia and Waves & Shambles) and they are in my last.fm top artists (Number 3 actually, 397 plays and less than 15 songs). Getting to the point, they've got a new video out and since I've decided to stan for somebody other than Lupe for a change. Enjoy "Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames." (I know the video isn't that special but the song is the shit.)

*Personal Note: Like many other black men mentioned in this danish, the lead singer (Jahmal Tonge) made this list.

XOXO Lisa Turtle

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Lisa, Kelly, and Screech Take On THE ROOTS?!!!

Yesterday, three young, unsuspecting dumbasses ventured out on the smoker's holiday for a different kind of green -- an Earth Day Celebration. Lured by the phantom promise of THE ROOTS?!!!* and friends (Talib Kweli, Ne-Yo**, Chrisette Michele***, Wale****, etc...). Sadly, these poor, unfortunate souls*^5 did not accurately foresee the grim future that lay ahead of them. What should have been a day full of drunken, high white people, ganja, THE ROOTS?!!!*, crappy - but bearable weather, turned into an EPIC day of trauma. (Right: Look at them, looking all dry and happy. Ignorance is bliss...)

When young Les (Screech), Stephanie (Kelly), and Jasmine (your heroine Lisa Turtle) first awoke on Saturday, April 20, 2008 to disgusting rain the P.G. County area, they reluctantly decided against their previously made plans of seeing THE ROOTS?!!!*. As the skies cleared and the rained stopped, they hastily got ready and set out on an adventure. This adventure included Metro switch confusion (it's okay, our hero Lisa Turtle saved the day even though she was repeatedly pegged as the "non-Metro rider"), partially overcoming Lisa's ridiculously terrible fear of the Metro (and trains in general) and escalators. They arrived at the Smithsonian Metro stop only to see people opening umbrellas and throwing on ponchos so they began to panic. Armed with two hoodies (the girls), a jacket (the boy), and one tiny umbrella that flips up in the wind, they were not prepared for this:

It was terrible... It was like walking in a freaking monsoon. At the urging of Stephanie, the three kept pressing on to see what was going on at the venue but after waiting and getting soaked for awhile, they decided to retreat to the Metro station. Halfway to their destination, they hear the concert shall resume so they head BACK to the stage. After a few minutes of talking some hippy old man drunkenly gurgles some bluesy-ish tunes out and butchers, "One." Then Ed Norton comes out looking all white boy fine and talks about something but it sounds like nothing and then some activist and then some old white man who won't just shut the fuck up and then the monsoon comes back and the man who won't shutup wants everyone to wait the storm out. AT THIS POINT, Lisa, Kelly, and Screech have had ENOUGH so they (once again) head back to the Metro station. It had to be the longest walk ever. After they were sufficiently soaked from head to toe (seriously, everything but T-Pain*^6) they arrive to an overwhelming mob*^7 and transit authority agents who won't let them into the station. As these fuckheads who take their jobs too seriously finally let people come in, Lisa Turtle is nearly paralyzed with fear at the realization she will have to walk down a soaking wet escalator that seemed neverending. (It should be noted Lisa Turtle is afraid of heights, escalators, walking up and/or down non-moving escalators, trains, falling to her death, and SLIPPERY escalators). Lisa Turtle SLOWLY but safely made it down the death trap and through the gates. Kelly and Screech faced opposition from a soaking wet fare card and SmarTrip card (Look out for a picture of Kelly trying to blow hers dry). Once in the Metro station they hop on the first train they can and continue to do this all the way back to their original Metro location. All of this hell and they never even got to see THE ROOTS?!!!*. Lisa never got to see Black Thought (a prominent member of the list of Black Menz Jasmine Wants To Drop It Off In Her Draaaaaawz). Neither Lisa nor Kelly got to see Ne-Yo. Young Screech's plans to see THE ROOTS?!!!* were foiled again.

Wringing water out of a sweatshirt that is really light gray.
Kelly Kapowski trying to blow her fare card dry.

It was the most fun torture we'd ever had.

*"THE ROOTS?!!!" is in reference to a friend of my random neighbor Tim. It was his exclamation when Stephy and I told him about the concert. It was totally obvious he had like never heard a song by The Roots but it was his way of pretending to be interested.
**Les was in no way interested in seeing Ne-Yo, this was only Stephanie and I.
***Nobody really wanted to see Chrisette Michele.
****Nobody really wanted to see Wale either but we would have taken him over hippy/bluesy man.
*^5Reference to the song from The Little Mermaid.
*^6Stephanie had one a T-Pain t-shirt and though the rest of her was soaked, T-Pain remained dry.
*^7I definitely over-dramatized this.

Depressed (and in need of a decongestant)

No joke, I have been sick on and off since November 2007. It's mainly been flu-like symptoms that go from little to big and debilitating in days. :( I have been to the doctor's a few times and they tell me the same thing all the time -- "It's allergies." I don't buy that bullshit. I've had horrible allergies since I was in elementary school and I live in Maryland (I swear everyone has allergies here) so I definitely know what allergies feel like. THIS IS NOT ALLERGIES. After realizing I don't have tuberculosis or bronchitis I can only come up with one thing... I'M DYING. I must have some sort of terminal illness that is slowly taking over my body and the only thing I can do to soothe the trauma of impending doom is to drug myself heavily with NyQuil. The problem with this NyQuil is:

1. I'm developing an immunity to it.
2. The comedown sucks.

I get all sad and start thinking about my dreary jobless, schooless, purposeless life, man problemed life. Like Weezy F. Baby says, "Only once the drugs are done that I feel like dying, I feel like dying." So this is my comedown and I'm depressed and thinking about my miserable life. But to quote another mediocre rapper, "See, to live is suffer but to survive, well, that's to find meaning in the suffer." Now enjoy a classic video to fit my mood:

No really, watch it.



Les will probably classify this post as "dramatical."

Newness

It's 1something in the morning and I'm sitting her listening to Ciara. I'm thinking, as I often do, on what is becoming of music. There's so much of everything else in music except actual music. Less singing, instruments, and lyrical content but there is lots of dancing and bass! Ciara is a strong offender of this, but I forgive her because she knows who she is. Openly admitting that she doesn't have the voice of Whitney Houston or the greats but she does what she does. This I can respect! On to my next point...
Have you heard of O'Neal McKnight? O'Neal McKnight seems to be (so far) someone who knows who he is-- calling his brand of music, R&P (that's Retro-Pop).

"I like to call my music R&P -- Retro-Pop. Retro-Pop is the sound of the future, and a throwback to the feel-good energy of the past."

Now, admittedly, I've only heard the three songs that can be found on his MySpace but he is fast on the road to being my new The-Dream who is already my new T-Pain. When I first saw a portion of his video for his debut single "Check Your Coat" I was seriously lost and confused. WAS THIS A JOKE? Cut to a few days later and my friend sends me the video on YouTube... Same initial reaction. Against my usual habits, I decided to watch the entire thing and became intrigued. Off the suggestion of my friend, I checked out his MySpace. After reading his bio I learned he used to be a celebrity stylist and that he's from a trailer park. I also heard two more songs besides the single and that's when confusion turned to admiration. I like him. He's nowhere near the best singer in the world but he is at least different. More than being different though, he is about having a good time and I can definitely appreciate that. Lately, in music it seems like everyone tries too hard but he seems just be enjoying himself. Check out his explanation of the title of his yet to be released album Prom 2088:

"The Prom is a celebration -- A time to reflect on where you've been and a time to look forward to where you're going, and that's what my music represents -- Prom: 2088 is a party."

Seriously though, I really think I'm going to like him even if I did think he was "joke music" at first. T-Pain is done in my heart because he's on EVERY SONG and The-Dream is in danger of being replaced by this man because The-Dream is not this snazzy of a dresser:

I would commandeer his music, hot bitch.

Now check out the Back To The Future/Michael Jackson inspired video for his first single"Check Your Coat":

The quotes are from an interview found here.


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Now playing: Ciara - Goodies (Feat. T.I. & Jazze Pha)
via FoxyTunes

Hip Hop Saved My Life

Actually, hip hop has not saved my life but I do like hip-hop. If you don't know, I have a thing for Wasalu Muhammad Jaco b.k.a. Lupe Fiasco. I'd like to have short little bad eyesight having babies with him. *Deep Sigh* Anyway, today his bootleg (not too bootleg) video for the non-single "Hip Hop Saved My Life" (featuring Nikki Jean of Nouveau Riche) dropped. It's definitely one of my least favorite songs on The Cool but I won't talk too bad about it. I'll highlight the good because I do love my Lupe. So, the good:

• "Stack that cheese." (If you don't know, listen and you will see.)
• Les got to salivate over Nikki Jean.
• Nikki Jean is pretty.
• Lupe looks cute as always.
• BUN B AND PAUL WALL!!!
• Carrera Lu is on his shit.
  

Now watch the video...

Lesly J. Slowsky

This is Lesly J. Slowsky.
He is named after my friend and the "Slowskys" from the comcasts commercials. I plan to buy a real turtle and mirror him in the image of the Lesly J. Slowsky you see above you. I will provide lots of pictures of Lesly J. Slowsky when I get him. That is all.

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Now playing: Anthony Hamilton - Lucille
via FoxyTunes

Beginnory

I asked my friend Les what another word for "Introductory" was... "Beginnory" is what he gave me. So this is the beginnory of my... my... Blog. I don't like that word though so from here on out when you (the collective you) see me saying "Danish" I am referring to my blog. What does one say in a beginnory? Do I say why I chose to start a danish? The answer to that would be peer pressure and of course boredom. Do I say what one can expect to find in my danish? Umm... One should expect everything.

That is my friend, Lortab.

This is my other friend, Dye-Free Benadryl.

I present them just to say, though I am admittedly spacey I'm not always as spacey as I may appear right now. Not sure if I do. But I have taken some Lortabs for menstrual cramps and two Benadryl for my allergies. I'm like... Trying to keep my eyes open so is felt like time for a danish. I'm avoiding two very important tasks right now... Fixing my ID3 tags and making an mp3 for Les out of some Youtube video. But I've to run out of songs by The Cool Kids to listen to so I think I'm officially done with this danish. The next one should better. I like to be optimistic.

 

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Now playing: The Cool Kids - Black Mags
via FoxyTunes