To Whom It May Concern

To The Roots?!!!, Chrisette Michele, Wale, and any and all members involved in that abomination of a song called "Rising Up":

I (and several of my comrades) have tried HARD to like that song... But we can't. I am going to lay out a plan for you to make this song better because I (we) feel it was a good idea in theory but you all somehow missed the boat.

1. IN THEORY, the go-go beat was a good idea but it didn't sound quite go-go-ey... I think I figured out where it got messed up. If you would please take out the piano/keyboard/whatever the hell that is that comes in during parts of the song (especially when Chrisette Michele is singing) then the song will go down at least 18 points on the annoying meter. I'm talking more bongos less piano. NEEDS MORE COWBELL!
   


2. IN THEORY, having Chrisette Michele sing the hook was a good idea... IN THEORY. Look, I will set my feelings aside about the supreme annoying-ness of her voice in general for a second and say... I understand why she was chosen BUT her voice is not working. It's not pure or pretty enough to carry off jazziness into the mainstream or to make people who fine her absolutely annoying (and there are a lot of us) forget that she's singing the hook. My suggestion to you is that you swap her out for the lush vocals of Jill Scott and if she won't do it, find that chick from Floetry.


3. *DEEP SIGH* Wale Wale Wale. I really did want to love you Wale. "Born" in DC, raised MURRLIN (Maryland for the rest of you), I wanted you to be more than an off brand bastard child of Kanyeezy and Weezy. Now look Wale, your critics constantly say your flow is awkward and you are intent on proving them right in this song. You have repeatedly stated that Black Thought is your favorite rapper so why did you not come harder when getting to spit on a track with your favorite rapper. I can't rap for shit but if I could do a track with Nas I'm trying to have a B-Rabbit 8 MILE moment. Instead you give this wacksauce and worse you don't even bother to correct them on this jacked up go-go-ish sound. I expected more from you but then again I don't know why. Now why don't you stop being EXTRA with all the DC accent shit and talk like somebody from MOCO (you know what I mean.)
   

These are my main gripes with this song. I love Black Thought in the song. The lyrics are pretty good. Due to the aforementioned elements, the song just didn't work. I suggest you pay close attention to my suggestions (especially 1 and 2) and re-record the song. Or you can continue to be that almost really hot band.

Love,
Jasmine a.k.a. The New Lisa Turtle & The Management

Listen To The Abomination Here

Lisa, Kelly, and Screech Take On THE ROOTS?!!!

Yesterday, three young, unsuspecting dumbasses ventured out on the smoker's holiday for a different kind of green -- an Earth Day Celebration. Lured by the phantom promise of THE ROOTS?!!!* and friends (Talib Kweli, Ne-Yo**, Chrisette Michele***, Wale****, etc...). Sadly, these poor, unfortunate souls*^5 did not accurately foresee the grim future that lay ahead of them. What should have been a day full of drunken, high white people, ganja, THE ROOTS?!!!*, crappy - but bearable weather, turned into an EPIC day of trauma. (Right: Look at them, looking all dry and happy. Ignorance is bliss...)

When young Les (Screech), Stephanie (Kelly), and Jasmine (your heroine Lisa Turtle) first awoke on Saturday, April 20, 2008 to disgusting rain the P.G. County area, they reluctantly decided against their previously made plans of seeing THE ROOTS?!!!*. As the skies cleared and the rained stopped, they hastily got ready and set out on an adventure. This adventure included Metro switch confusion (it's okay, our hero Lisa Turtle saved the day even though she was repeatedly pegged as the "non-Metro rider"), partially overcoming Lisa's ridiculously terrible fear of the Metro (and trains in general) and escalators. They arrived at the Smithsonian Metro stop only to see people opening umbrellas and throwing on ponchos so they began to panic. Armed with two hoodies (the girls), a jacket (the boy), and one tiny umbrella that flips up in the wind, they were not prepared for this:

It was terrible... It was like walking in a freaking monsoon. At the urging of Stephanie, the three kept pressing on to see what was going on at the venue but after waiting and getting soaked for awhile, they decided to retreat to the Metro station. Halfway to their destination, they hear the concert shall resume so they head BACK to the stage. After a few minutes of talking some hippy old man drunkenly gurgles some bluesy-ish tunes out and butchers, "One." Then Ed Norton comes out looking all white boy fine and talks about something but it sounds like nothing and then some activist and then some old white man who won't just shut the fuck up and then the monsoon comes back and the man who won't shutup wants everyone to wait the storm out. AT THIS POINT, Lisa, Kelly, and Screech have had ENOUGH so they (once again) head back to the Metro station. It had to be the longest walk ever. After they were sufficiently soaked from head to toe (seriously, everything but T-Pain*^6) they arrive to an overwhelming mob*^7 and transit authority agents who won't let them into the station. As these fuckheads who take their jobs too seriously finally let people come in, Lisa Turtle is nearly paralyzed with fear at the realization she will have to walk down a soaking wet escalator that seemed neverending. (It should be noted Lisa Turtle is afraid of heights, escalators, walking up and/or down non-moving escalators, trains, falling to her death, and SLIPPERY escalators). Lisa Turtle SLOWLY but safely made it down the death trap and through the gates. Kelly and Screech faced opposition from a soaking wet fare card and SmarTrip card (Look out for a picture of Kelly trying to blow hers dry). Once in the Metro station they hop on the first train they can and continue to do this all the way back to their original Metro location. All of this hell and they never even got to see THE ROOTS?!!!*. Lisa never got to see Black Thought (a prominent member of the list of Black Menz Jasmine Wants To Drop It Off In Her Draaaaaawz). Neither Lisa nor Kelly got to see Ne-Yo. Young Screech's plans to see THE ROOTS?!!!* were foiled again.

Wringing water out of a sweatshirt that is really light gray.
Kelly Kapowski trying to blow her fare card dry.

It was the most fun torture we'd ever had.

*"THE ROOTS?!!!" is in reference to a friend of my random neighbor Tim. It was his exclamation when Stephy and I told him about the concert. It was totally obvious he had like never heard a song by The Roots but it was his way of pretending to be interested.
**Les was in no way interested in seeing Ne-Yo, this was only Stephanie and I.
***Nobody really wanted to see Chrisette Michele.
****Nobody really wanted to see Wale either but we would have taken him over hippy/bluesy man.
*^5Reference to the song from The Little Mermaid.
*^6Stephanie had one a T-Pain t-shirt and though the rest of her was soaked, T-Pain remained dry.
*^7I definitely over-dramatized this.

Music Video WTFery

I was going to write about this the other day but laziness took over as usual... Anywho, I was watching MTV Jams the other day (first mistake) and saw three videos that left me in WTF mode but I tried my best to put these disturbing images and sounds out of my mind. Unfortunately, I'm a creature of habit so I was watching MTV Jams this morning also (second mistake) and came across the same craptacular videos. I present to you some good ol fashioned WTFery:

1. Chris Brown - "Take You Down"

*Deep Sigh* Who the hell told Chris Brown he was sexy? WHO? (A fourteen year old, no doubt.) Don't get me wrong, the little boy is cute and all but I do not ever again in my life want to see his scrawny ass shirtless and grinding, looking like he still got Similac on his breath. He got an alright body for somebody in middle school or ninth grade. Stop, put your shirt back on! Watching this made me feel like I was watching child pornography. *Shudders* More disturbing is this isn't just a video, this is an one of those tour videos so this homo erotic act is part of his tour. Tsk, tsk, tsk... I thought Chris Brown was for the children. I also want it to be known that Chris Brown is not slick, he jacked some moves from a Backstreet Boy and Usher. *Regular Sigh* I shouldn't really be talking though since I put him on this list. (Side Note: Chris Brown moves like he's either still or virgin or doesn't know what he's doing.)

2. Wyclef Jean - "If I Was President"

I feel like I'm supposed to get some sort of message from this video... But I don't. I'm going to go watch it one more time and see if I missed something. (K, back.) Yeah, I don't get it. Why is he even hypothetically talking about him being president? He's not running. He's not a natural born citizen. I am lost. I don't even have much to say because this video is so far off in the WTFery zone.

3. Tabi Bonney - "Beat Rock"

*Deepest Sigh* I don't know if you necessarily know who Tabi Bonney is if you're not from the DMV (D.C., Maryland, and Virginia -- I will never explain it again.) Basically, Tabi Bonney is a bamma who has made a big ol bammafied album with a bunch of bammafied videos but for some reason, MTV Jams keeps playing his shit. I don't know how or why his videos get in rotation but they do. In real life, I've only met one person who ever said they liked Tabi Bonney's music and her opinion didn't matter to me at the time because she was one of them people allegedly from DC who acts like they know everything (if you're from around here you know what I mean.) I don't understand this video. He's running, semi-Forrest Gump style then there's some beatin of the feet. I have no idea why this man or his videos exist. Anyway, I wanted to like Tabi Bonney... I did. But with him turning "Lunchin" (a song about my personal favorite slang word) into "Syce It" (and being on roller skates in that video), I don't think I can try to force non-hatred anymore. His music sucks donkey balls and his videos are even worse. (Side Note: LMAO @ all the people who hate Wale for saying he's from DC and they're okay with Tabi Bonney reppin for them. FOR SHAME.)