First Time Voter! (Sort of...)

OMGosh GUYS, GUESS WHAT?!!!

in my very first presidential election! (I was 17 days too young last time!)

Obviously, you guys know who I voted for. It goes without saying. I also voted yes for Maryland to allow for early voting and no on slots! Yay me! I got to the polls around 6:40am and was out near 7:30 eventhough the lines were crucially long. Then my mom took me to get a presidential breakfast.

Yep, you can't get more patriotic than McDonald's!!! LoL! (Side note: My hash browns were extra greasy.) (Other side note: I always get a sausage biscuit with cheese and put strawberry jelly on it... My mom thinks that is the grossest/weirdest shit ever. What do you think???) Anyway guys, I hope all of you that are registered to vote get out there and vote if you haven't already. I am so sick right now and I still got my butt out there. I don't want to hear the my vote doesn't matter shtick either! I live in MD, we're going for 08AMA, I know my one vote didn't put it over the edge but there are other issues to vote on and then there's the whole people died for your right thing. Anywho... Enjoy this moving, powerful, and completely appropriate video from Miri Ben-Ari. (Last side note: I was very upset to learn about the passing of President 08ama's grandmother just hours before he makes history.)

"Symphony of Brotherhood" - Miri Ben-Ari feat. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Happy Voting!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Improper Stannin

y stannin game was not proper earlier this week. I knew the remix video to "Everyone Nose" by N*E*R*D featuring CRS & Pusha T had premiered but I didn't bother to blog about it. What is really going on? Me pass up an opportunity to stan for Lupe and talk about some black menz I want do drop it off in my drawers... Seems nuts. Anyway, here's the video. Watch it. Look for my commentary underneath.

"Everyone Nose (Remix)" N*E*R*D feat. CRS & Pusha T

1. I guess nobody told Kanye that the "any black inside you" line would be corny as all hale.
2. I love you Lupe, but that "high" shit got extra annoying.
3. Pharrell killed it, with his wormy looking ass.
4. Pusha T, killed it.
5. Lupe looked EXTRA scrumptous in it.

Monday Randomness...

I know it wouldn't seem like it but Lupe Fiasco is NOT my favorite rapper.... Nas is. ;) That being said, the anticipation of his album is killing me. I'm being bombarded with leaks... Tripping over them, Last.fm is even trying to throw them at me! But, I refuse to listen until tomorrow! Everyone should hit Best Buy, iTunes, Amazon, Tar-Jay, F.Y.E., Record & Tape Traders, Circuit City, Tower Records (does that still exist???), Virgin Megastore, whatever and wherever because it's Nas and it will be amazing. Or... If you're cheap or you hate Nas, download it and listen and enjoy or continue your hate. All I know is I can't wait for tomorrow!!!

For all of you who read/will read my post called "Dear Black Man" I wanted to clear something up. I do not hate black men... And that's the last time I'm saying that. I hate the relationships I've had with black specific black men... So yes, I did decide I won't pursue black men anymore. Pursue... Meaning, I won't initiate. Are we clear? How does a self-professed Lupe fanatic hate black men? This is my personal ad: I'm looking for... Well, not looking for but hopes that a Lupe Fiasco type (or how I presume Lupe Fiasco is) will come my way. DMXs, Ja Rules, Lil Waynes, Jay-Zs, Kanyes, Soulja Boys, and Eminems need not apply! (Nasirs and Black Thoughts are also acceptable.) If you are a Lupe or you know a Lupe, please send information and photos to
TheNewLisaTurtle@gmail.com; it would be much appreciated!!! LoL.

Ohh, watch the PSA because it's cute and funny!

Ohh those boys are much too much!!!

STANNIN AT IT'S FINEST

I'm about to bring you some news you probably don't care about but I'm going to tell you anyway.

So my big sis Shay calls around 1:57pm EST to alert me that the jam of the week on MTV Jams is none other than my husband (who recently reached over 1,000 plays on my last.fm) Lupe Fiasco with his OVER two-month old video for "Paris, Tokyo."

I literally RAN to the TV to see my man in hi-definition... And let me tell you, he looks delicious. So I'll be the Lupe stan I am and post the video AGAIN (Yes, when it first came out I posted it) and watch it as much as possible on MTV Jams (Love, Love).

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [4/95454521545]

Today I present a very special edition of Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle, an edition that has been about 5-6 days in the making (ya girl been busy!). I have disturbing and exciting news for you lovely people, your girl, Lisa M. Turtle has a CRUSH. Now I know some of you don't know me like that but trust me when I say it is a rarity for me to develop one these nasty little diseases.

(A little backstory)
Kelly Kapowski and I hit the club on Saturday (not our usual night but I was celebrating becoming a valid 21-year old again*) and we were looking extra fly. Saturday is also, unfortunately, the day my dear friend Elisha Adams passed so I was trying my damndest to keep it together and hold it down Scorpio style for him. Upon arrival at the bar Kelly notices a dude with a MOHAWK (yep, mohawk) and stars shaved on the sides of his head (yep, stars too)! We were at the bar ridiculing homeboy, just straight crackin' on him! Then we get out on the dance floor we both notice that he is actually quite cute (for a "white boy") and dancing with an ugly, possibly mildly retarded girl and I decide it is my mission to get him. So I pull a fast one on ol' girl -- I do the switch-a-roo and get at my man. I then realize that this is no white boy... THIS IS A PUERTO RICAN. LoL, he totally thought I was Dominican and that Kelly Kapowski was Puerto Rican (she's Sicilian) but that's okay... Happens to us often. So I am just showing out... Grindin' all up on him, ended up making out with him... SO NOT MY USUAL STYLE!!! I even gave him my number... I give no one my number!

So he gets kicked out for defending his sister but he calls me when I'm on my way home and I end up seeing him later that night. We've been talking everyday since but he unfortunately lives in Philly and right now he's actually visiting Puerto Rico. I don't know why but this crush has not subsided, it has only gotten worse. I've been watching MTV TR3S, thinking about my middle school Latino boyfriends, and staring at Jon Seda**. I don't know what do with myself... I know I said I wanted an Asian man but right now I'm thinking Puerto Ricans are where it's at. For those of you who don't know me like that let me just say that under no circumstances have I shown attraction for Latino men past the age of 14... In fact, I haven't shown a fondness for anything other than black men in the last 3 or 4 years! This new obsession is leaving my friends speechless! ¡No soy dominicana pero quiero un boricua! (I apologize for any bad Spanish I may have used.)

Well, at least I was given inspiration for this mixtape. Please enjoy the lunchin' cover inspired/stolen from the movie I Like It Like That and if you haven't seen it... GET ON THAT. IT'S A CLASSIC.

I present to you, Lisa Turtle: Lisa y Chino<3 (The Crush Mixtape)

Get it here.

01. Love At First Sight - Kyle Minogue
02. Swing My Way - KP & Enyvi
03. Whine Up (Feat. Elephant Man) - Kat Deluna
04. If - Janet Jackson
05. Irresistible - Jessica Simpson
06. Toxic - Britney Spears
07. Crush - Jennifer Paige
08. Baby - Brandy
09. Infatuation - Christina Aguilera
10. 1Thing - Amerie
11. C.R.U.S.H. - Ciara
12. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom - Selena
13. 2 Of You - Danity Kane
14. Baby Boy (Feat. Sean Paul) - Beyoncé
15. I Want You - Erykah Badu
16. Take My Time - J*Davey
17. A Long Walk - Jill Scott
18. Underneath The Stars - Mariah Carey
19. 4 Page Letter - Aaliyah
20. See You Again - Miley Cyrus

*A few weeks ago Kelly Kapowski lost our lives at the club (IDs, money, camera, phones, LIP GLOSS) and I was rocking an expired ID until recently... I have a valid ID again. :)
**I've had a thing for Jon Seda since I Like It Like That and Selena*** put it OVER THE TOP for me.
***If you haven't seen Selena you suck at LIFE.

OMFG THE CARPS

About a year ago my home-skillet Les hipped me to a little Canadian duo known as The Carps. If I could pinpoint their sound I'd totally define it here but I can't. I've heard they're afro-punk but I'll prefer to just label them as awesome. From the first note of the first song that auto-played on their MySpace about a year ago, I was immediately enthralled. I just think they are made of WIN. To date, they only have two EPs (The Young & Passionate Days of Carpedia and Waves & Shambles) and they are in my last.fm top artists (Number 3 actually, 397 plays and less than 15 songs). Getting to the point, they've got a new video out and since I've decided to stan for somebody other than Lupe for a change. Enjoy "Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames." (I know the video isn't that special but the song is the shit.)

*Personal Note: Like many other black men mentioned in this danish, the lead singer (Jahmal Tonge) made this list.

To Whom It May Concern

To The Roots?!!!, Chrisette Michele, Wale, and any and all members involved in that abomination of a song called "Rising Up":

I (and several of my comrades) have tried HARD to like that song... But we can't. I am going to lay out a plan for you to make this song better because I (we) feel it was a good idea in theory but you all somehow missed the boat.

1. IN THEORY, the go-go beat was a good idea but it didn't sound quite go-go-ey... I think I figured out where it got messed up. If you would please take out the piano/keyboard/whatever the hell that is that comes in during parts of the song (especially when Chrisette Michele is singing) then the song will go down at least 18 points on the annoying meter. I'm talking more bongos less piano. NEEDS MORE COWBELL!
   


2. IN THEORY, having Chrisette Michele sing the hook was a good idea... IN THEORY. Look, I will set my feelings aside about the supreme annoying-ness of her voice in general for a second and say... I understand why she was chosen BUT her voice is not working. It's not pure or pretty enough to carry off jazziness into the mainstream or to make people who fine her absolutely annoying (and there are a lot of us) forget that she's singing the hook. My suggestion to you is that you swap her out for the lush vocals of Jill Scott and if she won't do it, find that chick from Floetry.


3. *DEEP SIGH* Wale Wale Wale. I really did want to love you Wale. "Born" in DC, raised MURRLIN (Maryland for the rest of you), I wanted you to be more than an off brand bastard child of Kanyeezy and Weezy. Now look Wale, your critics constantly say your flow is awkward and you are intent on proving them right in this song. You have repeatedly stated that Black Thought is your favorite rapper so why did you not come harder when getting to spit on a track with your favorite rapper. I can't rap for shit but if I could do a track with Nas I'm trying to have a B-Rabbit 8 MILE moment. Instead you give this wacksauce and worse you don't even bother to correct them on this jacked up go-go-ish sound. I expected more from you but then again I don't know why. Now why don't you stop being EXTRA with all the DC accent shit and talk like somebody from MOCO (you know what I mean.)
   

These are my main gripes with this song. I love Black Thought in the song. The lyrics are pretty good. Due to the aforementioned elements, the song just didn't work. I suggest you pay close attention to my suggestions (especially 1 and 2) and re-record the song. Or you can continue to be that almost really hot band.

Love,
Jasmine a.k.a. The New Lisa Turtle & The Management

Listen To The Abomination Here

Nas Drops The N-Bomb

So I learned today that Nas has decided against naming his forthcoming album "Nigger" and the album will, reportedly, be untitled. I have to say this news is somewhat displeasing... Because I have not heard the album (obviously) I was never 100% sure that the title corresponded with the lyrical content but my faith in Nas (my favorite rapper - fuck the haters) made me believe that it couldn't just be a publicity ploy. Now that he has agreed to change the name of his album, I am kind of disappointed. I loved his "I-don't-give-a-flying-fuck" attitude towards the press, his record label, any and everyone who didn't like it. At the same time I understand why he would change the title... I can't see Target selling an album called NIGGER or Best Buy even. I'm also happy that he at least didn't rename it to something less powerful just to appease others... Leaving it untitled still preserves his original statement in a way.

You can read more about this here.

Now check out his new song, "N.I.G.G.E.R (The Slave and The Master)

Different does not mean deficient, it simply means different!

This is a very special appreciation post for my Creole Colonel Sanders, the realest person in America (on TV anyway) right now, DAT DUDE, Rev. Dr. Jeremiah A. Wright, Jr.

JUST REMEMBER:
THEY DIDN'T LIKE KING IN 1967!
THEY DIDN'T LIKE MALCOLM IN 1968!
THEY DIDN'T LIKE FANNIE LOU IN '72!
THEY DIDN'T LIKE NELSON IN '88!
THEY DIDN'T LIKE JESUS, NO MATTER THE DATE!
THE WORLD STILL TAKES HIM OUT OF CONTEXT!
-Rev. Wendell Anthony

He has hate speech, listen to how bombastic he is.


Linguists knew that nobody in here speaks English but only black children 50 years ago were singled out as speaking bad English.


The nation's oldest civil rights organization has changed America's history. "Despite violence, intimidation, and hostile government policies, the NAACP and its grassroots membership have persevered." Now, somebody, please tell the Oakland County Executive that that sentence starting with the words, "Despite violence, intimidation, and hostile government policies" is a direct quotation from the NAACP's Profile in Courage. It didn't come from Jeremiah Wright. Otherwise, he will attribute the quote to me and continue to say that I am one of the most divisive people he has ever heard speak when he's never heard me speak! And just to help him out - I am not one of the most divisive, tell him the word is descriptive. I describe the conditions in this country. Conditions divide, not my descriptions. Somebody say, "Amen!" If you can't say, "Amen," you're too mad, just say, "Ouch!"


Many of us are committed to changing how see others who are different (number 1) and many of us are committed to changing how we see ourselves (number 2). Not inferior to, or superior to, just different from other. Embracing our own histories, embracing our own cultures, embracing our own languages, as we embrace others who are also made in the image of God.


HATERZ EVERYWHERE HE GO!


Bobby Seale & Huey P. Newton

I have this very image on a shirt. RevDoctaWright shirts anyone?

Powerful Wisdom Pt. 1
Powerful Wisdom Pt. 2
Powerful Wisdom Pt. 3
Powerful Wisdom Pt. 4



----------------
Now playing: Kano - Sexual Eruption
via FoxyTunes

Paris, Tokyo

I am interrupting my danish inactivity to swoon and stan over Lupe Fiasco. He and the gap in his tooth are looking extra presh in his new video. :) "Paris, Tokyo" is a solid track (soooo much better than "Hip Hop Saved My Life") and the video is pretty much what is expected for the subject matter. Check out for Lupe Fiasco Wild Thornberrys/Jumanji style in the Cairo, Egypt scene. Now watch damnit. (Love, love...)

In the event the video doesn't work, click here.

Music Video WTFery

I was going to write about this the other day but laziness took over as usual... Anywho, I was watching MTV Jams the other day (first mistake) and saw three videos that left me in WTF mode but I tried my best to put these disturbing images and sounds out of my mind. Unfortunately, I'm a creature of habit so I was watching MTV Jams this morning also (second mistake) and came across the same craptacular videos. I present to you some good ol fashioned WTFery:

1. Chris Brown - "Take You Down"

*Deep Sigh* Who the hell told Chris Brown he was sexy? WHO? (A fourteen year old, no doubt.) Don't get me wrong, the little boy is cute and all but I do not ever again in my life want to see his scrawny ass shirtless and grinding, looking like he still got Similac on his breath. He got an alright body for somebody in middle school or ninth grade. Stop, put your shirt back on! Watching this made me feel like I was watching child pornography. *Shudders* More disturbing is this isn't just a video, this is an one of those tour videos so this homo erotic act is part of his tour. Tsk, tsk, tsk... I thought Chris Brown was for the children. I also want it to be known that Chris Brown is not slick, he jacked some moves from a Backstreet Boy and Usher. *Regular Sigh* I shouldn't really be talking though since I put him on this list. (Side Note: Chris Brown moves like he's either still or virgin or doesn't know what he's doing.)

2. Wyclef Jean - "If I Was President"

I feel like I'm supposed to get some sort of message from this video... But I don't. I'm going to go watch it one more time and see if I missed something. (K, back.) Yeah, I don't get it. Why is he even hypothetically talking about him being president? He's not running. He's not a natural born citizen. I am lost. I don't even have much to say because this video is so far off in the WTFery zone.

3. Tabi Bonney - "Beat Rock"

*Deepest Sigh* I don't know if you necessarily know who Tabi Bonney is if you're not from the DMV (D.C., Maryland, and Virginia -- I will never explain it again.) Basically, Tabi Bonney is a bamma who has made a big ol bammafied album with a bunch of bammafied videos but for some reason, MTV Jams keeps playing his shit. I don't know how or why his videos get in rotation but they do. In real life, I've only met one person who ever said they liked Tabi Bonney's music and her opinion didn't matter to me at the time because she was one of them people allegedly from DC who acts like they know everything (if you're from around here you know what I mean.) I don't understand this video. He's running, semi-Forrest Gump style then there's some beatin of the feet. I have no idea why this man or his videos exist. Anyway, I wanted to like Tabi Bonney... I did. But with him turning "Lunchin" (a song about my personal favorite slang word) into "Syce It" (and being on roller skates in that video), I don't think I can try to force non-hatred anymore. His music sucks donkey balls and his videos are even worse. (Side Note: LMAO @ all the people who hate Wale for saying he's from DC and they're okay with Tabi Bonney reppin for them. FOR SHAME.)

Def Poetry Jam Post [3/11191986]

Duality Duel
(The Nerd vs. The Nigger)
I think the poem speaks for itself.

Depressed (and in need of a decongestant)

No joke, I have been sick on and off since November 2007. It's mainly been flu-like symptoms that go from little to big and debilitating in days. :( I have been to the doctor's a few times and they tell me the same thing all the time -- "It's allergies." I don't buy that bullshit. I've had horrible allergies since I was in elementary school and I live in Maryland (I swear everyone has allergies here) so I definitely know what allergies feel like. THIS IS NOT ALLERGIES. After realizing I don't have tuberculosis or bronchitis I can only come up with one thing... I'M DYING. I must have some sort of terminal illness that is slowly taking over my body and the only thing I can do to soothe the trauma of impending doom is to drug myself heavily with NyQuil. The problem with this NyQuil is:

1. I'm developing an immunity to it.
2. The comedown sucks.

I get all sad and start thinking about my dreary jobless, schooless, purposeless life, man problemed life. Like Weezy F. Baby says, "Only once the drugs are done that I feel like dying, I feel like dying." So this is my comedown and I'm depressed and thinking about my miserable life. But to quote another mediocre rapper, "See, to live is suffer but to survive, well, that's to find meaning in the suffer." Now enjoy a classic video to fit my mood:

No really, watch it.



Les will probably classify this post as "dramatical."

MY NIGHT

(((((DISCLAIMER: THIS IS THE ONLY SENTENCE I'M TRYING TO MAKE SURE IS RIGHT. IF ANYTHING ELSE IS ALL FUCKED UP, I SOWWIE -- I AM DRUNK.))))

I went out tonight trying to forget everything about that stupid stupid boy that I lurve. So this is how my night started:

I was feeling like Usher... DON'T LEAVE YO DUDE ROUND ME, TRUE PLAYA FA REAL.

But I heard this:
This is the song you played for me when I was in ATLANTA and you were trying to tell me you liked me (this was before it was a single BTW.)

The more I danced the more songs of ours they played and now I'm sad so I feel like this:


But really:
No seriously, WHY SHOULD I BE SAD?

Helping Flavor Flav Set My People Back

HOT COUPLE ALERT!!!
GUCCI MANE + BUFFY THE BODY!!!
(And I hear they have a new reality show...)

Thinking Out Loud (So To Speak...)

In just two years
A baby goes from just being able to move its head
To walking, talking, feeding itself
Communicating how it thinks and feels
So many little milestones on the path to becoming a toddler

In the last two years
I've been to two different schools
Lived in two different states
Almost lost you in a car accident
Only to lose you to somebody else a month later
I've broken your heart
You've broken mine
My mom survived breast cancer
I've made friends and lost friends
We've broken up and always made up
So many good times but many more bad times
And through it all I've kept my strength

But you question my strength
You question the strength of my love for you
You don't see how in "such a short time"
I can feel so strongly
You do not trust my word
You do not believe that I love you

The lover in me wants to prove myself to you
Pull out all the stops
Paint the story of my love over melodies
And sing them to you

The rest of me wonders
Why I should have to prove my love
To someone who has not proven their love to me

You hold the past over my head
And I can admit that the way I was acting
I did not have OUR best interest at heart
But I'm not that girl anymore
And I'm not trying to hurt you anymore

BUT THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU
You insist that I am dramatizing my feelings
And I just think that I love you
And you're not going to let me break your heart -- again
And you're not going to let me play these games

WHAT GAMES?
It seems to me you're the only one playing games these days
I don't get it
I thought maybe it was about sex
So I stopped giving it to you
And you stick around
And pick fights with me
And tell me you love me
And then take it back
And tell me that I don't love you
I just don't get it

I don't like who we're becoming
You said you want it to be how it used to be
But I don't think it can
Why can't we just find a new way to be
Or not be at all?

It scares me that we're turning into a Lauryn Hill song
It could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard
When all you have to do is say what you mean and mean what you say
Everything else will work itself out

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Now playing: Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor
via FoxyTunes

It's Raining McCain

I find this video very disturbing.

Audrey II

While reading this post at The Assimilated Negro, I began to think about some of the conversations I have had with my vagina when no one else is around. Often, I find myself speaking to her as if she can hear me (and I think she can because she seems to respond non-verbally). Though I love her, I'm not quite sure if I like her; she is at the root of much of the stress and grief in my life. For this reason, I have named her Audrey II after the Venus fly trap-like plant from Little Shop of Horrors. I know that most vagina lovers do not picture (and don't want to picture) an overgrown, monster-like, carnivorous plant when they think about vaginas but this is what came to mind when I thought of my relationship with mine. I am poor Seymour trying to satisfy her outrageous appetite.

To my dismay, my vagina is permanently fiending for dick -- 24/7. I can't explain the stress this puts on our relationship! I swear she plays "Gimme More" on loop! This is where she and I battle. I want to satisfy her, I really do but I can't spend my days doing nothing but fucking! I have things to do! But does she care? Nope. She starts to get excited about 30 minutes after I wake up and I say to her, "Hold on Audrey II! The day has just started." I stay wet all day, everyday because Audrey II is always ready. Guys like it when I say that but, trust me, it's not sexy or fun. It's actually obnoxious. For the guys, picture walking around with a hard-on all day. Would that be fun? I doubt it. When we meet cute guys, she sends hormones to my brain telling it, "We want that one!" I have to shake it off and say, "Audrey II, we can't bone every guy we meet!" People tell me, "Why don't you just masturbate?" And I would but that doesn't work for Audrey II! Foreplay doesn't even really work for Audrey II. It's dick or don't bother. I wonder how it got be like this. Once upon a time we were virgins and we never really thought about sex. Then we weren't virgins and we liked sex but it wasn't an obsession but something happened to us and I don't know what it is.

But it's not just her insatiable appetite for the penis that causes friction. I am blessed and cursed with a magical vagina. I swear that if I go a week or more without sex, the next time I get down it will hurt. The longest I've ever gone (besides the 18 years, 4 months, and 4 days I was a virgin) without any was 1 month and 10 days and when I had sex after that hiatus it was like losing my v-card all over again (ouch). Guys appreciate this little trick of hers because she's always "tight" but I would like it very much if she would loosen up just a little so that I don't chance tears during a sexual experience after a two week interlude. Don't get me wrong! I appreciate her elasticity as one of her finer attributes but a little slack wouldn't kill her!

I don't know what to do about my vagina. I don't hate her the way I hate my horrible uterus (I seriously want a hysterectomy). I just wish she would give me a break. I will try to do as much safe, healthy fornication as possible if she would try and work with me a little. She needs to realize that I won't always be able to deliver (especially during no-boyfriends times, periods, yeast infections, family holidays, relationship drama, etc.). In the mean time, I'll keep watching Def Poetry Jam on YouTube.

Ishle Park - Pussy

Let's Watch An Episode Of Boy Meets World

This is one of my favorite episodes of (possibly) my favoritest show ever!!! So, enjoy "Shallow Boy."

(OT: Wikipedia is claiming that Lupe's video for Paris, Tokyo is premiering tomorrow. I don't believe it but WHAT IF...)