I AM NOBODY'S FETISH

((Disclaimer: This is an unusually long post for me but it is something that is true life and I feel many people (black women especially) can relate.))

As it has been explained, Lisa Turtle has spent a good portion of her life being the only black girl around. This has provided her with a severe lack of close black friends (especially girls) and ridicule for having a tendency to appreciate several things deemed "white" (many of which have appeared in Stuff White People Like). I may have also mentioned that I used to be a white boy connoisseur, mainly because I didn't know very many black boys who actually dated black girls. Since turning 18, I have had not trouble finding black men but every so often a little issue comes up with the some of the ones who show interest in me.

It has come to my attention that I am often the transition or "test" black girl for those black men who have never dated or "messed with" a black girl. INITIALLY, this fact never bothered me. I can admit that (though I have no problem with interracial dating, LET'S BE CLEAR ON THAT) I was actually kind of proud of it. I even, jokingly, referred to myself as the "white girl dream crusher," meaning that I crush the dream or ideal that "white is right." This was all fine in dandy in my head, I was happy to help bring some "brothas" back to the dark side... This was until I was discussing with a guy how I noticed that many guys who only date white girls tend to express interest in me to which he replied:

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS; A BLACK GIRL WITH A WHITE GIRL MENTALITY.

I cannot explain how much that one statement pissed me off. I began to reevaluate the relationships I had with all of these guys who previously seemed completely disinterested in black girls at all. Did they too think this way about me? I tried to put this out of my mind but recently, someone picked at the scab. I met this guy who is... Well, to be honest, I don't really think he's cute but my friends do and since I'm somewhat shallow I appreciated this... Anyway, I met this guy and he seemed nice and all that jazz until he up and says to me,

I only date white girls or black girls who act white, and that's why I like you... Because you act white.

Those who know me know that I can't stand that... I hate when people say I "act" white mainly because I don't try to act any certain way. I just am who I am. After he told me that I was completely turned off but me being me I just kind of let him continue to fawn over me because... Well, that's just what I do (if I'm being honest). This was until I happened to read his blogs on MySpace. Please enjoy this excerpt:

I am looking for a Caucasian or foreign type of female. Educated, sort of thick, no kids, religious and very down to earth. PERSONAL NOTE: I LOVE my black sisters but I DON'T want to have any kids or marry one nor am I messing with a female in the past. FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS and I am leaving it at that.

Again, me being me, I could not let this go. I was completely pissed that he would even bother to pursue me when he feels my entire race is beneath him. So I commented, simply saying "What is your gripe with black women?" Enjoy the conversation that followed (and I apologize on behalf of humanity for his stupidity).

Him: Black women will always be known to be nubian princesses in my heart. My future woman will be caucasian though I feel as though a caucasian women will best suite my future wants and needs.

Me:
1. I hope you know that makes no sense.
2. I don't appreciate you trying to get at me (even if you don't try anymore) when you feel as though it is beneath you to date my entire race.
3. If you love black women so much and they are your nubian princesses then why do you feel one will never be good enough to meet your standards?
4. Do you realize it is self-hatred when you are basically saying white is right and black is wrong?
5. I hope no woman, black, white, "foreign" or whatever falls for your ridiculous brand of fetishism.

P.S.: I also did not appreciate you telling me that you liked me because you like black girls who "act white."

Him:
1) we hung out one time
2) this is a FREE COUNTRY, I can choose who I want to date w/o being crticized
3) If you don't like my blog, DON'T COMMENT ON IT because I wasn't expecting negative feedback
4) If you want to delete yourself from my page, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO SO!

THANKS...

Me:
1. I know we hung out one time and I don't believe you saw me trying to hang with you more than that.
2. I don't actually care who you date but I was standing up for MY RACE (you know, the one you're a part of too) and I don't think anyone should limit who they fall in love with based on RACE.
3. YES, IT IS A FREE COUNTRY AND THEREFORE I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO MY OPINIONS.
4. If you want to control who can read your blogs DO SO but being that you have them out in the open I guess you want people to read them... You cannot control the way people feel, think, and react.
5. Going through my friends to find and delete you is not worth the time being that you pose no threat to me.
6. I love how you didn't address any of the points that I made.

BUT, BY ALL MEANS, CONTINUE TO DO YOU.

I would post the rest of our conversation but it's kind of irrelevant (to sum it up for those of you who are curious he tried to smooth the situation over and I was not having it so then he told me he deleted me on MySpace, deleted my friend Stephanie, deleted my number, deleted messages, etc.).

I should be offended, right? He and other little boys (because that's what they are) like him try to make me feel as though I should feel privileged to pass their white enough black girl test. I don't feel privileged or honored, I feel disgusted. I start to wonder why these lame-asses are attracted to me (other than the reason they state) and I wonder what I am doing to give off that vibe. Then I throw it all in the air and decide it's their own ignorance and it's not my problem but I can't lie, it definitely bothers me. I'm not willing to be a taste of chocolate for some white man so I for damn sure won't be some black man's black-white girl fetish. What the hell is that? I need thoughts on this topic. Please help your girl out!

OHH, AND THIS IS THAT BAMMA'S MYSPACE. BLACK WOMEN, SCRATCH THAT... WOMEN BETWEEN MARYLAND AND PENNSYLVANIA, STAY AWAY. HE ATTENDS KEYSTONE COLLEGE AND YES I AM PUTTING HIM ON BLAST.

WHO DAT IS? DAT JUSS MAH BABY DADDY!

WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE WORLD?

TMZ has reported that some 50-year-old woman (Jaymes Foster, little sister to legendary music mogul David Foster and bff to Ms. Aiken herself) got her eggo preggo courtesy of CLAY AIKEN. YES, CLAY AIKEN. LET ME SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME, CLAY AIKEN GOT SOMEBODY PREGNANT! Now wipe that disturbing image out of your mind... It is reportedly through artificial insemination (obviously) but, yes, someone chose that mug to produce a baby with. It saddens me to think someone was that desperate. Did she not think of the ridicule she AND her child would receive? *Sigh* First Znorflack invades TRL and now this...

The Alien Formerly Known As Usher Speaks!

Call me a hater if you want to but I refuse to refer to that creature posing as the formerly ridiculously sexy black man that made 8701 "Usher." Perhaps I should give him a new, crazy alien name -- Znorflack. I was flipping through the channels yesterday and saw Znorflack on TRL and I watch as he breaks out into this rant, fiercely defending his leader Tameka (you know, the woman who abducted or "married" the real Usher). I have searched long and hard (not really) for a clip for your eyes to see. I'm also going to transcribe my favorite part in case VIACOM forces removal. Please enjoy Znorflack's rant:

HIGHLIGHTS

• "I'm a now stepdad and as well as a dad to 'baby cinco' out there."
  (I know that the baby is Usher Raymond V but really... BABY CINCO? SERIOUSLY?)

• "MATTER OF FACT, I'm tired of people continuing to talk so much trash about me! You know what I'm sayin? Me and my relationship -- My wife is not 40 years old; I love her to death and I'm a black, strong man in America standing up for my people and -- as well, as as a man to my wife, to my son, to my family -- I'm making a stand that a lot of us should make. I could've been like any other man who have a child and just, you know, live with that woman and to continue to just, you know, play the game but... Differently, I'm tryna do it the right way. This is the way you should do it, PAY ATTENTION FELLAS!"
  (So what you're saying is that Znorflack is here instead of Usher because Lt. Tameka created spawn possibly carrying his DNA??? Or if you are in fact Usher you only married her because she got knocked up??? Not a good thing to admit on National television Znorflack!)
  

• (In reference to Lt. Tameka) "She's a beautiful black woman!"
  (LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!)
  

BTW... Your new CD sucks Znorflack!

XOXO Lisa Turtle

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Dear Pennsylvania, FUCK YOU.

You could have been so much more. You could have ended this all. You could have saved us from evil... But you chose not to. Now... Who knows how long this will go on? Who knows how long we will all suffer the slings and arrows of this bullshit election that will provide us with no real change and will bring forth a surge in apathy.

Let me be clear, unlike a lot of people, I never really hated Hillary Clinton before this primary season/election/whatever. I was not a 100% supporter of Obama, initially. To be honest, the more I hate her the more I'm for him but lately I just don't know.

I have had my own conspiracies from the start... I didn't want to but the thoughts floated through my brain. I figured they'd misconstrue/miscount/mishandle votes and then there were the assassination theories. I've gone another way. I think something is brewing here they're all in on it... Even you Obama. I haven't yet worked out what their angle is but here is what I'm thinking...

• Obama was never supposed to do as well as he was doing. They wanted him to get the nomination but not with the tremendous amount of support that was beginning to build up for him. They didn't want him to have such a big chance to beat McCain.
• To deal with this blow to their plan, Clinton went into outrageous attack mode. This was semi-working but it wasn't good enough because he still was doing well.
• Then it's Obama's turn... Stupid little mistakes here and there. Doing/saying little things to crack away at his solid campaign.
• Hillary Clinton will not win the nomination but Barack Obama will not win the presidential election.
• John McCain will be the next president but for how long???

This is where I wonder should we watch for McCain's VP nominee. What if McCain's old ass dies/becomes ill and the VP takes over??? Will the VP be some evil Cheney style character? In my brain... Probably.

...Or, is Hillary Clinton only staying in to sabotage Barack Obama so that he definitely loses and four years from now she can be in this same position only winning heavily on the underlying mantra of, "I told you so."

I'm not sure what to think but this whole situation just seems fishy to me. I'm mad and I don't know who to be mad at so tonight I focus my anger on the state of Pennsylvania because I truly believe that tonight, they could have ended some of this madness. All it would have taken was for 5%-6% more of you to vote for Barack Obama. But who knows? Maybe y'all did? *Sigh*

Music Video WTFery

I was going to write about this the other day but laziness took over as usual... Anywho, I was watching MTV Jams the other day (first mistake) and saw three videos that left me in WTF mode but I tried my best to put these disturbing images and sounds out of my mind. Unfortunately, I'm a creature of habit so I was watching MTV Jams this morning also (second mistake) and came across the same craptacular videos. I present to you some good ol fashioned WTFery:

1. Chris Brown - "Take You Down"

*Deep Sigh* Who the hell told Chris Brown he was sexy? WHO? (A fourteen year old, no doubt.) Don't get me wrong, the little boy is cute and all but I do not ever again in my life want to see his scrawny ass shirtless and grinding, looking like he still got Similac on his breath. He got an alright body for somebody in middle school or ninth grade. Stop, put your shirt back on! Watching this made me feel like I was watching child pornography. *Shudders* More disturbing is this isn't just a video, this is an one of those tour videos so this homo erotic act is part of his tour. Tsk, tsk, tsk... I thought Chris Brown was for the children. I also want it to be known that Chris Brown is not slick, he jacked some moves from a Backstreet Boy and Usher. *Regular Sigh* I shouldn't really be talking though since I put him on this list. (Side Note: Chris Brown moves like he's either still or virgin or doesn't know what he's doing.)

2. Wyclef Jean - "If I Was President"

I feel like I'm supposed to get some sort of message from this video... But I don't. I'm going to go watch it one more time and see if I missed something. (K, back.) Yeah, I don't get it. Why is he even hypothetically talking about him being president? He's not running. He's not a natural born citizen. I am lost. I don't even have much to say because this video is so far off in the WTFery zone.

3. Tabi Bonney - "Beat Rock"

*Deepest Sigh* I don't know if you necessarily know who Tabi Bonney is if you're not from the DMV (D.C., Maryland, and Virginia -- I will never explain it again.) Basically, Tabi Bonney is a bamma who has made a big ol bammafied album with a bunch of bammafied videos but for some reason, MTV Jams keeps playing his shit. I don't know how or why his videos get in rotation but they do. In real life, I've only met one person who ever said they liked Tabi Bonney's music and her opinion didn't matter to me at the time because she was one of them people allegedly from DC who acts like they know everything (if you're from around here you know what I mean.) I don't understand this video. He's running, semi-Forrest Gump style then there's some beatin of the feet. I have no idea why this man or his videos exist. Anyway, I wanted to like Tabi Bonney... I did. But with him turning "Lunchin" (a song about my personal favorite slang word) into "Syce It" (and being on roller skates in that video), I don't think I can try to force non-hatred anymore. His music sucks donkey balls and his videos are even worse. (Side Note: LMAO @ all the people who hate Wale for saying he's from DC and they're okay with Tabi Bonney reppin for them. FOR SHAME.)

Depressed (and in need of a decongestant)

No joke, I have been sick on and off since November 2007. It's mainly been flu-like symptoms that go from little to big and debilitating in days. :( I have been to the doctor's a few times and they tell me the same thing all the time -- "It's allergies." I don't buy that bullshit. I've had horrible allergies since I was in elementary school and I live in Maryland (I swear everyone has allergies here) so I definitely know what allergies feel like. THIS IS NOT ALLERGIES. After realizing I don't have tuberculosis or bronchitis I can only come up with one thing... I'M DYING. I must have some sort of terminal illness that is slowly taking over my body and the only thing I can do to soothe the trauma of impending doom is to drug myself heavily with NyQuil. The problem with this NyQuil is:

1. I'm developing an immunity to it.
2. The comedown sucks.

I get all sad and start thinking about my dreary jobless, schooless, purposeless life, man problemed life. Like Weezy F. Baby says, "Only once the drugs are done that I feel like dying, I feel like dying." So this is my comedown and I'm depressed and thinking about my miserable life. But to quote another mediocre rapper, "See, to live is suffer but to survive, well, that's to find meaning in the suffer." Now enjoy a classic video to fit my mood:

No really, watch it.



Les will probably classify this post as "dramatical."

Race Relations Y'all

I understand racism is still very important (believe me, I get it) but all this dwelling on racism between white people and black people is working my last damn nerve. If I see one more blogger bitching about Stuff White People Like (hatin' really) because it's either secretly racist or because they're not really covering white people and it's only funny because they're white blah blah blah blah blah... I DON'T CARE. Yes, people are entitled to their opinions (this is mine) but I will say (in defense of the blog) the reason it is so popular is because it doesn't go with the same lame ass whitey stereotypes.

Also, there's the LeBron James/Gisele Bundchen controversy. I'm not posting the picture. I'm not getting into a lengthy paragraph. I will just say this... Sometimes a picture is just a picture, no matter how lame or ugly. If ugly, lame pictures of black people (with or without white people in them) are racist then, damnit... The NAACP need to be all over Miss Jay for ever having his/her picture taken.

Then there's this election that's still in the damn primary stage. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE and it's already irking me to (almost) the highest point of irktivity. I can't stand America lately. (I won't put this on you though MD -- excluding B-More.) Black folk, more than usual -- and I'm usually irked by them but not as much as by white people, are really working my nerves. This feud between the general black population and I is long-standing though and I can't figure out how to get them to stop trying to be my friend/family/brother/cousin/speak to me in general. I know how to get white people not to talk to me, get all angry black woman -- works every time. I have an idea though to decrease my negro appeal (besides this danish, of course)...

I will become an outspoken black Republican like my man Larry Elder. I never see him around black people... EVER! Alan Keyes... I never see him around black people. Colin and Condi? Only around each other! This is brillant! I will also get to be semi-accepted by secretly racist white people! (I see you Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity!) Win-Win, AM I RIGHT? ;D

It's Raining McCain

I find this video very disturbing.

The Best Little Whore In Maryland

So I'm watching SVU and this girl is a prostitute and this makes me think of the recent on-goings of disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer and his high dolla ho "Kristen" a.k.a. "Ashley Alexandra Dupré" a.k.a. she's got too many fucking aliases. I got to thinking of how I've always wondered if I could be a prostitute... If i could do it. I'm not quite sure but to tell you the truth, with decent paying jobs scarce, the thought (however jokingly) crossed my mine tonight. Now, I know every ho can't be a high dolla ho like my girl Ashley (as pictured on the right if you were wondering). SVU pointed out to me that prostitutes are often abused, raped, murdered, etc. But I was thinking, maybe those aren't the smart ones. I wouldn't even consider Ms. Dupree one of the smart ones. My guess is the only way to make this business work for you is to not try and make a real career out of it.

Gone are the days of The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas and Pretty Woman. Everyone knows that Richard Gere is not going to marry your slutty ass and Burt Reynolds can't try to save your brothel AND run for office (while singing too). So what I'm proposing for myself is a short-term thing, very discreet and very brief. What if I were to prostitute for my summer job? I've got a monkey on my back in the form of a Macbook Pro and I can't see putting in all this effort for $6.50/hr at some job that is not even cultivating my skills. But what about the risks? Any job that pays well has risk potential of some sort (they say lawyers and doctors have the highest suicide rate). I'm not definitely committing myself to the idea but if nothing comes my way I might just become The Best Little Whore In Maryland this summer. And, hey, if one of my johns gets out of line I'll have Stabler and Benson handle that bitch.

Audrey II

While reading this post at The Assimilated Negro, I began to think about some of the conversations I have had with my vagina when no one else is around. Often, I find myself speaking to her as if she can hear me (and I think she can because she seems to respond non-verbally). Though I love her, I'm not quite sure if I like her; she is at the root of much of the stress and grief in my life. For this reason, I have named her Audrey II after the Venus fly trap-like plant from Little Shop of Horrors. I know that most vagina lovers do not picture (and don't want to picture) an overgrown, monster-like, carnivorous plant when they think about vaginas but this is what came to mind when I thought of my relationship with mine. I am poor Seymour trying to satisfy her outrageous appetite.

To my dismay, my vagina is permanently fiending for dick -- 24/7. I can't explain the stress this puts on our relationship! I swear she plays "Gimme More" on loop! This is where she and I battle. I want to satisfy her, I really do but I can't spend my days doing nothing but fucking! I have things to do! But does she care? Nope. She starts to get excited about 30 minutes after I wake up and I say to her, "Hold on Audrey II! The day has just started." I stay wet all day, everyday because Audrey II is always ready. Guys like it when I say that but, trust me, it's not sexy or fun. It's actually obnoxious. For the guys, picture walking around with a hard-on all day. Would that be fun? I doubt it. When we meet cute guys, she sends hormones to my brain telling it, "We want that one!" I have to shake it off and say, "Audrey II, we can't bone every guy we meet!" People tell me, "Why don't you just masturbate?" And I would but that doesn't work for Audrey II! Foreplay doesn't even really work for Audrey II. It's dick or don't bother. I wonder how it got be like this. Once upon a time we were virgins and we never really thought about sex. Then we weren't virgins and we liked sex but it wasn't an obsession but something happened to us and I don't know what it is.

But it's not just her insatiable appetite for the penis that causes friction. I am blessed and cursed with a magical vagina. I swear that if I go a week or more without sex, the next time I get down it will hurt. The longest I've ever gone (besides the 18 years, 4 months, and 4 days I was a virgin) without any was 1 month and 10 days and when I had sex after that hiatus it was like losing my v-card all over again (ouch). Guys appreciate this little trick of hers because she's always "tight" but I would like it very much if she would loosen up just a little so that I don't chance tears during a sexual experience after a two week interlude. Don't get me wrong! I appreciate her elasticity as one of her finer attributes but a little slack wouldn't kill her!

I don't know what to do about my vagina. I don't hate her the way I hate my horrible uterus (I seriously want a hysterectomy). I just wish she would give me a break. I will try to do as much safe, healthy fornication as possible if she would try and work with me a little. She needs to realize that I won't always be able to deliver (especially during no-boyfriends times, periods, yeast infections, family holidays, relationship drama, etc.). In the mean time, I'll keep watching Def Poetry Jam on YouTube.

Ishle Park - Pussy

Newness

It's 1something in the morning and I'm sitting her listening to Ciara. I'm thinking, as I often do, on what is becoming of music. There's so much of everything else in music except actual music. Less singing, instruments, and lyrical content but there is lots of dancing and bass! Ciara is a strong offender of this, but I forgive her because she knows who she is. Openly admitting that she doesn't have the voice of Whitney Houston or the greats but she does what she does. This I can respect! On to my next point...
Have you heard of O'Neal McKnight? O'Neal McKnight seems to be (so far) someone who knows who he is-- calling his brand of music, R&P (that's Retro-Pop).

"I like to call my music R&P -- Retro-Pop. Retro-Pop is the sound of the future, and a throwback to the feel-good energy of the past."

Now, admittedly, I've only heard the three songs that can be found on his MySpace but he is fast on the road to being my new The-Dream who is already my new T-Pain. When I first saw a portion of his video for his debut single "Check Your Coat" I was seriously lost and confused. WAS THIS A JOKE? Cut to a few days later and my friend sends me the video on YouTube... Same initial reaction. Against my usual habits, I decided to watch the entire thing and became intrigued. Off the suggestion of my friend, I checked out his MySpace. After reading his bio I learned he used to be a celebrity stylist and that he's from a trailer park. I also heard two more songs besides the single and that's when confusion turned to admiration. I like him. He's nowhere near the best singer in the world but he is at least different. More than being different though, he is about having a good time and I can definitely appreciate that. Lately, in music it seems like everyone tries too hard but he seems just be enjoying himself. Check out his explanation of the title of his yet to be released album Prom 2088:

"The Prom is a celebration -- A time to reflect on where you've been and a time to look forward to where you're going, and that's what my music represents -- Prom: 2088 is a party."

Seriously though, I really think I'm going to like him even if I did think he was "joke music" at first. T-Pain is done in my heart because he's on EVERY SONG and The-Dream is in danger of being replaced by this man because The-Dream is not this snazzy of a dresser:

I would commandeer his music, hot bitch.

Now check out the Back To The Future/Michael Jackson inspired video for his first single"Check Your Coat":

The quotes are from an interview found here.


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Now playing: Ciara - Goodies (Feat. T.I. & Jazze Pha)
via FoxyTunes

Lesly J. Slowsky

This is Lesly J. Slowsky.
He is named after my friend and the "Slowskys" from the comcasts commercials. I plan to buy a real turtle and mirror him in the image of the Lesly J. Slowsky you see above you. I will provide lots of pictures of Lesly J. Slowsky when I get him. That is all.

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Now playing: Anthony Hamilton - Lucille
via FoxyTunes

What's Eating Gilbert Grape? (A Voice Post)

"Hello, it's me, Jasmine. Umm... I wanted everybody to hear my voice. This is what I sound like... And, um, I don't really know why... I don't actually feel sick; I just sound like this. So yeah... So I've been whispering everything that I say because I sound like shit. Yeah, hate my life. I guess this is what 151 and tequila does to you when you already were losing your voice. I'm a dumbass."

This shit is amazing for post nasal drip BTW.

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Now playing: Amerie - Rolling Down My Face
via FoxyTunes

Why I'll Never Again Put Another Relaxer In My Hair

(Disclaimer: For those of you who don't know what a relaxer is (perm to black folks) because you have never been around black people in your life, Please visit here.)

PRE-RELAXATION

POST-RELAXATION

You like that face? That's the WHY WON'T MY HAIR GO BACK TO THE WAY IT WAS face. BTW, it's been almost a year since the relaxer.