The Single Life Blues

I've been thinking and drinking heavily for the past week or two, in part, because I've been living the single life blues. Now, I've been fake single (you know, when you're broken up but you're not REALLY broken up) for awhile now but now it's really over. I've been going through all the motions - listening to all kinds of songs to speak my emotions for me until I was ready. I realized just the other day, I haven't known what it's like to be completely single for about 4 years now. When I look back I was always at least talking to some dude or involved in a dramaship. It's strange. I forget that when I meet dudes now it can go beyond flirtations/crushes/revenge hook-ups if I want it to. The worst part about my single life blues is... I want a boyfriend more than I have ever wanted one in my entire life. As a matter of fact, it usually goes that I don't even really want a boyfriend but somehow I ended up in the relationship. (LoL, terrible, I know.)

Unfortunately, I have no clue how to go about this. Do I just do me and wait and hopefully someone will come around? Should I be proactive and look into every given opportunity? I'm already not a shallow girl, personality will always trump looks for me. I don't even really like to date conventionally cute guys because every other girl has already told them how cute they are and I don't have time to deal with inflated egos... Mine is big enough. I don't even trust myself to pick a good guy. The thought process is, "I like him, there MUST BE something wrong with him." My pessimistic nature is telling me that because I actually want a boyfriend for once, I'm going to be lonely and single for a long long time. *Sniffles* I even sent out this mass text message to my friends that said something like, I'm contemplating a non-sexual, romantic relationship with a woman while continuing to use men for sex... How do you feel about it? I was joking (mostly) but I do sometimes feel like a decent dude in such short supply I might as well find a good BFF Jill to do all the non-sexual couples things with and get my rocks off elsewhere. I know I'll miss the emotional connection but it's better than what I have currently (nothing).

People are telling me that I need to hold off anyway - see if this thing with him and I is really over. I can't speak for him but for me, the shit is over. It's a wrap. I got my relationship habits from both of my parents - My father is the type who is in love with love (I suffer from that), my mother is loyal and loves hard but when she's done there is no going back (my other affliction). So given these two traits, my recovery time after I'm actually done is short! It might take me a few tries to be done with you but when I am, the shit is like a distant memory... And that's exactly what he's becoming. I keep forgetting that some of these memories are from a week ago. (LoL!) It's like my new beezy Solange says in her song "Would've Been the One" - I was the one. Yes, I was the one. Keyword is WAS! Yes, I WAS the one!" I'm over that shit and now I'm ready. In the coming weeks I might have some seemingly sad stuff posted about the previous situation but it's not because I'm not over it, it's either because I wrote it before or I'm just reflecting.

To sum all of my rambling up - to bring this to a point, I don't know how to date. This may be in part to age (21) but I don't know how to do it. I don't know where people find dates. I am romantically challenged. I am also a little bit shy (a little known fact and shocking to many that know me). If someone really sparks my interest, I get all uncomfortable and I don't know how to act. I usually hang out with them in a group setting and let the alcohol do the talking for me. I want to take a more mature approach. I'm finally ready to do completely right by someone and I am ready to be done right by but for the first time in my life, I seem to have no potentials. I mean, there's a little crush but it's nothing for real because I think he's still in high school mode and I really don't have time for that, especially from someone older than me. So, it looks like I'm resigned to this single life blues until further notice. BLAH!

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [4/95454521545]

Today I present a very special edition of Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle, an edition that has been about 5-6 days in the making (ya girl been busy!). I have disturbing and exciting news for you lovely people, your girl, Lisa M. Turtle has a CRUSH. Now I know some of you don't know me like that but trust me when I say it is a rarity for me to develop one these nasty little diseases.

(A little backstory)
Kelly Kapowski and I hit the club on Saturday (not our usual night but I was celebrating becoming a valid 21-year old again*) and we were looking extra fly. Saturday is also, unfortunately, the day my dear friend Elisha Adams passed so I was trying my damndest to keep it together and hold it down Scorpio style for him. Upon arrival at the bar Kelly notices a dude with a MOHAWK (yep, mohawk) and stars shaved on the sides of his head (yep, stars too)! We were at the bar ridiculing homeboy, just straight crackin' on him! Then we get out on the dance floor we both notice that he is actually quite cute (for a "white boy") and dancing with an ugly, possibly mildly retarded girl and I decide it is my mission to get him. So I pull a fast one on ol' girl -- I do the switch-a-roo and get at my man. I then realize that this is no white boy... THIS IS A PUERTO RICAN. LoL, he totally thought I was Dominican and that Kelly Kapowski was Puerto Rican (she's Sicilian) but that's okay... Happens to us often. So I am just showing out... Grindin' all up on him, ended up making out with him... SO NOT MY USUAL STYLE!!! I even gave him my number... I give no one my number!

So he gets kicked out for defending his sister but he calls me when I'm on my way home and I end up seeing him later that night. We've been talking everyday since but he unfortunately lives in Philly and right now he's actually visiting Puerto Rico. I don't know why but this crush has not subsided, it has only gotten worse. I've been watching MTV TR3S, thinking about my middle school Latino boyfriends, and staring at Jon Seda**. I don't know what do with myself... I know I said I wanted an Asian man but right now I'm thinking Puerto Ricans are where it's at. For those of you who don't know me like that let me just say that under no circumstances have I shown attraction for Latino men past the age of 14... In fact, I haven't shown a fondness for anything other than black men in the last 3 or 4 years! This new obsession is leaving my friends speechless! ¡No soy dominicana pero quiero un boricua! (I apologize for any bad Spanish I may have used.)

Well, at least I was given inspiration for this mixtape. Please enjoy the lunchin' cover inspired/stolen from the movie I Like It Like That and if you haven't seen it... GET ON THAT. IT'S A CLASSIC.

I present to you, Lisa Turtle: Lisa y Chino<3 (The Crush Mixtape)

Get it here.

01. Love At First Sight - Kyle Minogue
02. Swing My Way - KP & Enyvi
03. Whine Up (Feat. Elephant Man) - Kat Deluna
04. If - Janet Jackson
05. Irresistible - Jessica Simpson
06. Toxic - Britney Spears
07. Crush - Jennifer Paige
08. Baby - Brandy
09. Infatuation - Christina Aguilera
10. 1Thing - Amerie
11. C.R.U.S.H. - Ciara
12. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom - Selena
13. 2 Of You - Danity Kane
14. Baby Boy (Feat. Sean Paul) - Beyoncé
15. I Want You - Erykah Badu
16. Take My Time - J*Davey
17. A Long Walk - Jill Scott
18. Underneath The Stars - Mariah Carey
19. 4 Page Letter - Aaliyah
20. See You Again - Miley Cyrus

*A few weeks ago Kelly Kapowski lost our lives at the club (IDs, money, camera, phones, LIP GLOSS) and I was rocking an expired ID until recently... I have a valid ID again. :)
**I've had a thing for Jon Seda since I Like It Like That and Selena*** put it OVER THE TOP for me.
***If you haven't seen Selena you suck at LIFE.

I AM NOBODY'S FETISH

((Disclaimer: This is an unusually long post for me but it is something that is true life and I feel many people (black women especially) can relate.))

As it has been explained, Lisa Turtle has spent a good portion of her life being the only black girl around. This has provided her with a severe lack of close black friends (especially girls) and ridicule for having a tendency to appreciate several things deemed "white" (many of which have appeared in Stuff White People Like). I may have also mentioned that I used to be a white boy connoisseur, mainly because I didn't know very many black boys who actually dated black girls. Since turning 18, I have had not trouble finding black men but every so often a little issue comes up with the some of the ones who show interest in me.

It has come to my attention that I am often the transition or "test" black girl for those black men who have never dated or "messed with" a black girl. INITIALLY, this fact never bothered me. I can admit that (though I have no problem with interracial dating, LET'S BE CLEAR ON THAT) I was actually kind of proud of it. I even, jokingly, referred to myself as the "white girl dream crusher," meaning that I crush the dream or ideal that "white is right." This was all fine in dandy in my head, I was happy to help bring some "brothas" back to the dark side... This was until I was discussing with a guy how I noticed that many guys who only date white girls tend to express interest in me to which he replied:

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS; A BLACK GIRL WITH A WHITE GIRL MENTALITY.

I cannot explain how much that one statement pissed me off. I began to reevaluate the relationships I had with all of these guys who previously seemed completely disinterested in black girls at all. Did they too think this way about me? I tried to put this out of my mind but recently, someone picked at the scab. I met this guy who is... Well, to be honest, I don't really think he's cute but my friends do and since I'm somewhat shallow I appreciated this... Anyway, I met this guy and he seemed nice and all that jazz until he up and says to me,

I only date white girls or black girls who act white, and that's why I like you... Because you act white.

Those who know me know that I can't stand that... I hate when people say I "act" white mainly because I don't try to act any certain way. I just am who I am. After he told me that I was completely turned off but me being me I just kind of let him continue to fawn over me because... Well, that's just what I do (if I'm being honest). This was until I happened to read his blogs on MySpace. Please enjoy this excerpt:

I am looking for a Caucasian or foreign type of female. Educated, sort of thick, no kids, religious and very down to earth. PERSONAL NOTE: I LOVE my black sisters but I DON'T want to have any kids or marry one nor am I messing with a female in the past. FRIENDS ARE FRIENDS and I am leaving it at that.

Again, me being me, I could not let this go. I was completely pissed that he would even bother to pursue me when he feels my entire race is beneath him. So I commented, simply saying "What is your gripe with black women?" Enjoy the conversation that followed (and I apologize on behalf of humanity for his stupidity).

Him: Black women will always be known to be nubian princesses in my heart. My future woman will be caucasian though I feel as though a caucasian women will best suite my future wants and needs.

Me:
1. I hope you know that makes no sense.
2. I don't appreciate you trying to get at me (even if you don't try anymore) when you feel as though it is beneath you to date my entire race.
3. If you love black women so much and they are your nubian princesses then why do you feel one will never be good enough to meet your standards?
4. Do you realize it is self-hatred when you are basically saying white is right and black is wrong?
5. I hope no woman, black, white, "foreign" or whatever falls for your ridiculous brand of fetishism.

P.S.: I also did not appreciate you telling me that you liked me because you like black girls who "act white."

Him:
1) we hung out one time
2) this is a FREE COUNTRY, I can choose who I want to date w/o being crticized
3) If you don't like my blog, DON'T COMMENT ON IT because I wasn't expecting negative feedback
4) If you want to delete yourself from my page, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO SO!

THANKS...

Me:
1. I know we hung out one time and I don't believe you saw me trying to hang with you more than that.
2. I don't actually care who you date but I was standing up for MY RACE (you know, the one you're a part of too) and I don't think anyone should limit who they fall in love with based on RACE.
3. YES, IT IS A FREE COUNTRY AND THEREFORE I RESERVE THE RIGHT TO MY OPINIONS.
4. If you want to control who can read your blogs DO SO but being that you have them out in the open I guess you want people to read them... You cannot control the way people feel, think, and react.
5. Going through my friends to find and delete you is not worth the time being that you pose no threat to me.
6. I love how you didn't address any of the points that I made.

BUT, BY ALL MEANS, CONTINUE TO DO YOU.

I would post the rest of our conversation but it's kind of irrelevant (to sum it up for those of you who are curious he tried to smooth the situation over and I was not having it so then he told me he deleted me on MySpace, deleted my friend Stephanie, deleted my number, deleted messages, etc.).

I should be offended, right? He and other little boys (because that's what they are) like him try to make me feel as though I should feel privileged to pass their white enough black girl test. I don't feel privileged or honored, I feel disgusted. I start to wonder why these lame-asses are attracted to me (other than the reason they state) and I wonder what I am doing to give off that vibe. Then I throw it all in the air and decide it's their own ignorance and it's not my problem but I can't lie, it definitely bothers me. I'm not willing to be a taste of chocolate for some white man so I for damn sure won't be some black man's black-white girl fetish. What the hell is that? I need thoughts on this topic. Please help your girl out!

OHH, AND THIS IS THAT BAMMA'S MYSPACE. BLACK WOMEN, SCRATCH THAT... WOMEN BETWEEN MARYLAND AND PENNSYLVANIA, STAY AWAY. HE ATTENDS KEYSTONE COLLEGE AND YES I AM PUTTING HIM ON BLAST.