Friends of the Time or Friends of Like Mind

Lately when I think of most of my closet friends I start to wonder, "Are we growing up and/or growing apart?" In general, I've had most of the same friends since elementary school but it seems like the people I hang with most are newer editions to my life. I'm not trying to put anyone on the back burner but sometimes I feel like my older friends don't get me anymore. I want to hang with my older friends so badly but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to try so hard. On the other hand if I don't do something maybe all my friendships will end up like me and the girl in the picture on the right.

She and I were the best of friends, inseparable really (but I guess not.) That picture is not even 3 years old. I have a sneaky feeling it's just over two years old but I'm not sure. She and I barely talk anymore and I'm not really sure what happened. I put no blame on anyone, I really think that was just the way it ended up. We're not on bad terms. If she ever needed anything I'd be there and she knows it and I truly feel it's the same for me but I wonder how best friends become old friends and it only takes a few months. Those who know us probably thought it was a long time coming but I don't know... Now that it's all said and done I'm down one best friend and that doesn't feel so great.

I hate that quote about people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... It seriously irks me. I don't know why it is that I hate almost anything that rationalizes why life sucks sometimes. I do like this quote though and it's basically rationalizing the same thing: There are two kinds of friends, friends of time and friends of like mind.

When I look at that I wonder if it's true and then I get sad all over again because (as I said) I feel like most of my friends don't get me. So are they all friends of the time? I want to be able to have a bridesmaid at my wedding that I've known since 2nd grade! I want Jinnelle to be my maid of honor because that's the way I always planned it. I want my kids to call these people "Auntie" and "Uncle" so-and-so but the way things are going I don't know anymore.

So I guess it's not the growing up I have a problem with (no matter how slow I am at doing it, lol) but it's the growing apart that's killing me. Someone said you never have to change your friends if you understand that friend's change but I don't believe that. I can accept that people change but it doesn't mean that I have to accommodate your changes. I don't owe any of my friends unconditional love.

I know this post kind of rambled but I really am blown. I just don't want to look back at my life and have a billion pictures of people I don't know anymore.

Def Poetry Jam Post [2/11191986]

"Next Wednesday" by Mush

"Remember me for my way of getting people into trouble--
I wish to graduate from college,
become an artist, have two kids,
and one day go to heaven."

A childhood friend wrote this ten years ago in our sixth grade yearbook
Last year, she dropped out of art school
Last month, she told me that she was getting an abortion
for the second time
Her last wish before graduating sixth grade was to go to heaven
but this depends on what she does between now
and next Wednesday

This is the girl with the biggest brown eyes
I've ever seen
She's got Venus fly traps for lashes
and lips that make conversation blush
every time she speaks
This is the girl that taught me how to shave my pubes
The same girl that schooled me on how to inhale
seven inch bananas
with no hands
Best friends like sisters
I know her well enough to know that
she's the type who in times of trouble
hides by being stagnant
Says it's her birth right,
see her dad left twenty-three years ago
Stopped paying child-support before she could walk
Stopped calling the following year
And by that Christmas
this man had stopped sending cards all together
And I wish
I had hugged her more when we were younger

Back then, baby used to cut herself with broken pieces of father
Swallow them whole
then molds herself like wet clay
inside mens bodies
even though it bothered her when they talked about fathers
All grown, she buries herself
beneath layers of player façade
Searching for touch
she doesn't even remember
Thinks every other mans hands will mend her
Twenty-three years of neglect
She lets these men run ins and out on her
just like he did

And I wanna tell her
You've got men grabbing at you from every angle
But if you don't feel like getting down tonight
It's alright, girl, just say so
Next Wednesday, is more than an abortion day
It's about change
So jump through
Move
Run, if you have to
But don't look back
I will be here
Gouging fistfuls of lavender for safe-keeping
Tattoo their silhouette across your chest
So you never forget
You are my first love
So breathe free
Cause your own future can't afford to lose you
And baby, neither can we