Sunday, March 23, 2008

Audrey II

While reading this post at The Assimilated Negro, I began to think about some of the conversations I have had with my vagina when no one else is around. Often, I find myself speaking to her as if she can hear me (and I think she can because she seems to respond non-verbally). Though I love her, I'm not quite sure if I like her; she is at the root of much of the stress and grief in my life. For this reason, I have named her Audrey II after the Venus fly trap-like plant from Little Shop of Horrors. I know that most vagina lovers do not picture (and don't want to picture) an overgrown, monster-like, carnivorous plant when they think about vaginas but this is what came to mind when I thought of my relationship with mine. I am poor Seymour trying to satisfy her outrageous appetite.

To my dismay, my vagina is permanently fiending for dick -- 24/7. I can't explain the stress this puts on our relationship! I swear she plays "Gimme More" on loop! This is where she and I battle. I want to satisfy her, I really do but I can't spend my days doing nothing but fucking! I have things to do! But does she care? Nope. She starts to get excited about 30 minutes after I wake up and I say to her, "Hold on Audrey II! The day has just started." I stay wet all day, everyday because Audrey II is always ready. Guys like it when I say that but, trust me, it's not sexy or fun. It's actually obnoxious. For the guys, picture walking around with a hard-on all day. Would that be fun? I doubt it. When we meet cute guys, she sends hormones to my brain telling it, "We want that one!" I have to shake it off and say, "Audrey II, we can't bone every guy we meet!" People tell me, "Why don't you just masturbate?" And I would but that doesn't work for Audrey II! Foreplay doesn't even really work for Audrey II. It's dick or don't bother. I wonder how it got be like this. Once upon a time we were virgins and we never really thought about sex. Then we weren't virgins and we liked sex but it wasn't an obsession but something happened to us and I don't know what it is.

But it's not just her insatiable appetite for the penis that causes friction. I am blessed and cursed with a magical vagina. I swear that if I go a week or more without sex, the next time I get down it will hurt. The longest I've ever gone (besides the 18 years, 4 months, and 4 days I was a virgin) without any was 1 month and 10 days and when I had sex after that hiatus it was like losing my v-card all over again (ouch). Guys appreciate this little trick of hers because she's always "tight" but I would like it very much if she would loosen up just a little so that I don't chance tears during a sexual experience after a two week interlude. Don't get me wrong! I appreciate her elasticity as one of her finer attributes but a little slack wouldn't kill her!

I don't know what to do about my vagina. I don't hate her the way I hate my horrible uterus (I seriously want a hysterectomy). I just wish she would give me a break. I will try to do as much safe, healthy fornication as possible if she would try and work with me a little. She needs to realize that I won't always be able to deliver (especially during no-boyfriends times, periods, yeast infections, family holidays, relationship drama, etc.). In the mean time, I'll keep watching Def Poetry Jam on YouTube.

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