"Why are you the way you are?"

That's the subtitle of my friend Cara's danish. It made me start thinking about myself... About why I am the way I am. I think I will try to make a list now. Try to follow, I tend to ramble.

• "Jasmine is such a snob" -Selected Family Members
  
• "She think she better than everybody because she live in Baltimore." -Selected Family Members (And I don't fucking live in Baltimore)
• "This my cousin from Baltimore." -Cousins
• "Girl, you think you from Baltimore and you not. YOU FROM HAMMOND, LA." -Selected Family Members
  
• I was actually born in Hammond, LA. Not THAT GREAT of a place for black people.
• "Your chink eyes are ugly." -Selected Family Members
• My mom counted less than 20 black people in my 7th grade yearbook (me included) for all the grades (6,7,8).
• I stole my brother's Tupac and Nas CDs when I needed a break from Mariah Carey.
• The whole first 8 years of my life I was only technically allowed to listen to christian/gospel music and country music (with the exception of Michael Jackson, Mariah Carey, and Whitney Houston). I cheated in secret, of course.
• Child-molestation.
• Alcoholism... Throughout both sides of my family.
• Being abused daily.
• Getting screamed at for bringing home a "B."
• Being the only black kid in at least one of my classes every year since 4th grade.
• Not realizing there were so many black kids in my graduating class until graduation... They just weren't in my classes.
• Not knowing what "nigger" meant until 6th grade.
• Hating my father until I was 18 for no real reason.
• My favorite book is The Giving Tree because it mirrors many things in the relationship between my mother and my brother.
• Accepting being called "oreo." (Black on the outside, white on the outside).
• Being called "white girl" as early as 4.
• Being forced into attending an all black school because my family thought I needed to learn how to be around black people.
• Being given a natural apprehension to trust any male by the time I was 3.
• Suicide attempts.
• Having my hair straight for the first time in 7th grade and having Kyle Bagbey pull on it because he didn't believe it wasn't a weave.
• Growing up in Crofton, Maryland.
• Giving into Go-Go music at 18.
• Falling in love with poetry at 4.
• Reading Shakepeare's classics in elementary school.
• Wishbone. :)
• Being a scorpio.
• My brother dying before I was born and the effect it had on my mother.
• My other brother dying in 8th grade and me not being able to remember his face.
• Having every hamster I've ever had die in less than a year (though I took good care of them) only to find out after the last one that hamsters just don't have long life spans. :(
• Being complimented on being so "articulate."
• Having good SAT scores that were not good enough for my mother.
• Sexual assault in adulthood.
• Witnessing women I love and respect being beat by men.
• Bad allergies.
• Thyroid conditions.
• Depression.
• Anxiety.
• Arundel Senior High School.
• Four Seasons Elementary.
• Woodmore Elementary.
• Crofton Middle.
• Arundel Middle.
• Clark Atlanta University.
• Woodland Park Elementary School.
• The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill.
• Eating chili and cheese out of a bowl.
• Bonne Belle chapstick.
• MTV rotting my brain.
• Disney channel.
• Nickelodeon.
• The Guiding Light.
• Never feeling quite loved enough.
• The handful of people in this world I think understand me.
• Leke.
• Derek.
• Jeff.
• Broken-hearts.
• Michelle.
• Jinnelle.
• Cara.
• Melody.
• My cousin Kelle.
• Jonathan William (both of them.)
• Hurricane Katrina.
• The internet.
• My grandmother Augustine.
• The rest of my family.
• Music!
• Books!

I could probably go on forever, (and I almost did) but I won't.


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Now playing: N*E*R*D - Maybe
via FoxyTunes