"I WILL POP THE TRUTH IN YOUR ASS!"

In case you missed, my favorite rap-hop star, Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones, was on The Colbert Report last night. It was a great episode in general, especially the Nas parts. You can watch the full episode (at The Colbert Report's official Comedy Central website) here but I'm going to post a YouTube video of all the Nas parts. I would suggest you guys watch this stuff now before Viacom deletes it from memory forever (you know how they hate seeings Negroes do anything other than... Just watch BET and MTV, I don't need to explain that one). Earlier they had up single clips of the Nas interview and performance and they've already removed them... What's next? You know they'll be all over any YouTube and Dailymotion clips. Anyway, here's the video for however long it lasts.

You can also watch the Nas stuff here for however long they last.

Neglectful By Nature

Because I'm (quite possibly) the world's worst procrastinator (and blogger) and because I'm unfocused, lazy, and generally neglectful of anything but children, I (once again) let my danish go a week+ without an update. Now, in fairness to my laziness, I wrote a blog yesterday about new music but I wrote it in the wrong blog and it didn't copy like I thought it did and anybody as lazy as me was NOT about to write another one. ;) If someone finds a cure for lazocity, please let me know.

ALSO, I am currently on the search for an extremely fey (copyright The Black Snob) picture of R&B singer Lloyd for my currently stalking section. I'd really like it if someone could give me one from the Girls Around the World video with his hair all pressed out. IDK why but his King Tut/Cleopatra thing is working for me.

Ohh, and if you didn't know I do share a blog with one of my best friends (Cara) that had been dead for over a month but now we are back on our plans to be a muthafuckin menace (copyright Tupac). You should check us out, especially if you love randomness.

Jasmine + Cara = Jazzurrah

You won't be sorry. ;)

Monday Randomness...

I know it wouldn't seem like it but Lupe Fiasco is NOT my favorite rapper.... Nas is. ;) That being said, the anticipation of his album is killing me. I'm being bombarded with leaks... Tripping over them, Last.fm is even trying to throw them at me! But, I refuse to listen until tomorrow! Everyone should hit Best Buy, iTunes, Amazon, Tar-Jay, F.Y.E., Record & Tape Traders, Circuit City, Tower Records (does that still exist???), Virgin Megastore, whatever and wherever because it's Nas and it will be amazing. Or... If you're cheap or you hate Nas, download it and listen and enjoy or continue your hate. All I know is I can't wait for tomorrow!!!

For all of you who read/will read my post called "Dear Black Man" I wanted to clear something up. I do not hate black men... And that's the last time I'm saying that. I hate the relationships I've had with black specific black men... So yes, I did decide I won't pursue black men anymore. Pursue... Meaning, I won't initiate. Are we clear? How does a self-professed Lupe fanatic hate black men? This is my personal ad: I'm looking for... Well, not looking for but hopes that a Lupe Fiasco type (or how I presume Lupe Fiasco is) will come my way. DMXs, Ja Rules, Lil Waynes, Jay-Zs, Kanyes, Soulja Boys, and Eminems need not apply! (Nasirs and Black Thoughts are also acceptable.) If you are a Lupe or you know a Lupe, please send information and photos to
TheNewLisaTurtle@gmail.com; it would be much appreciated!!! LoL.

Ohh, watch the PSA because it's cute and funny!

Ohh those boys are much too much!!!

Dear Black Man

To whom it may concern
If it were to concern you at all
I am informing the collective you
that after years of being beaten down
mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually
I am finally giving up
gathering what's left of myself and retreating
Black man - It's time to quit you

I won't let you leave me unloved and unmarried
Single mother of three
Fifteen years of you and no wedding ring
I won't let you turn me into a lesbian
Too traumatized to let a man touch me again
I will simply seek other opportunities
Somewhere in this world I'll be appreciated for me
I just don't think it will be a Black man

The Black man did not find me reason enough to
put down the bottle, stop all the whoring
and just raise his damn child
The only thing he gave me was
his nose, his vices, his smile, and his fucked up attitude

Black man I call my brother saw fit to lay hands on me
And no, I don't mean spiritually
Fists turned into punches, hands turned into slaps
Spit in my face as you tickle me until I cry
You told me no man should ever put his hands on me
Yet, you beat me down on a regular basis
Offering love for me as your reasoning
And to think, you're the only man I've ever really trusted

Black man, you sure like to touch me
Wandering eyes led to wandering hands
No permission was granted but that didn't matter
Terrified three-year-old felt something wasn't right
But your threats bought you time in the form of my silence
Eleven-years-old, your hands trespass on thighs
This time, I'm old enough to know to run
Like I wish I could have those times at 19 you got me
drunk enough to take advantage of my inexperience and innocence

The Black man wants my fruit
without putting in any of the labor
and I know I could never depend on you to be there
If by chance I were to go into labor
You won't even commit to showing up at my house on time
And a relationship is out of the question
The only thing you understand is "friends with benefits"
Where you're the only "friend" that benefits
While I hug my sheets, watching you dress
I realize your pretense and this is just another way to use me

Even when you and I become involved
You take it upon yourself to run down a list
of everything YOU THINK is wrong with me
You like my curly hair but you think it's too short
It makes you wonder if I'm "mixed with something"
My in between skin, however, does not please you
I catch you staring at my high school pictures on the wall
You notice my hair was longer and my skin was lighter
Then you tell me that I could have your babies
because I "got good hair"
but we'd probably have to keep them out of the sun
You are shocked I don't find this complimentary

You tell me I need to lose some weight
Even though I haven't gained any since you met me
Two months after we break up you're dating some white girl
AT LEAST 20 lbs. heavier than me with NO ASS
And even if she has an ass it's no bigger than mine
But you treasure hers because she's a white girl
when the same ass was just "aiight" on me
You value my features on a white canvas
But on brown paper they're commonplace

The black man loves to be contradictory
because I'm apparently "too white" for you
You don't care that I'm a product of my environment
All you can see is that I can name more than ten John Mayer songs
My fondness for subject-verb agreement upsets you
The only reason you're talking to me is to see if I can
put you on to one of my cute white girlfriends
or because you think I can fulfill that sick black-white-girl fetish of yours
You smile coyly as you tell me I'm the best of both worlds
A black girl on the outside, white girl on the inside
This is how you repay me for not being a Viacom stereotype

The black man accuses me of having too much self-esteem
You say I think too highly of myself
When the reality is after having you crush me for twenty-one years
I've realized only I can guarantee myself love
Reinforced when the man I am taught to call King
Gladly spits on the image of the woman that bore him
You will never share your strength with me
Why fault me for having my own?

Black man will say I am generalizing him...
And I am... And I don't care
I refuse to waste my life and my time
on men who don't really want me, who see me as the fallback
You want to use me up, have me play backdoor ho
until you find whatever it is that you're looking for

BLACK WOMEN need to wake up to what stares us in the face
We remain the most unmarried demographic because
Black men gave up on us first
Black men decided we were no longer desirable
and we continue to chase after your asses
When we could really just look elsewhere

After all these years black man
I never thought I'd being saying this to you
but I see why society turns its nose up at you
Don't be upset with me black man, you drove me here
but I will not let you ruin me
Instead, I will turn my back on you
just like you did to me, twenty-one years ago

Things I Should Probably Keep To Myself [3/3191987]

Maybe I've been missing Louisiana... Or Eli... Or something... But I've been drunk, A LOT lately... More than usual. I've been partying nearly everyday and the comedowns have all resulted in serious soul searching and I've come to realize a lot of things about myself and my life. Photographic proof is the source for some of these realizations.

1. I tend to kiss people when I'm plastered.

Now this isn't usually a problem being that it's usually on the cheek or something but there have been quite a few times, especially recently, that I've straight made out with people that I have no romantic feelings for when I'm drunk. I don't know what this is about, I don't even like making out when I'm SOBER. One of these times led me to declaring war on my beloved Grey Goose vodka and saying I'd never get drunk again... I went out later that night and got plastered. I am lucky that more people do not have pictures of me kissing random folk... At least these two girls are my good friends. ;) BTW... I didn't even remember taking this pic but was all "lol" when I got tagged to it on Facebook.

2. My tolerance is way too high for my own good.

Perhaps I should rethink the word tolerance in terms of drinking because I figure since I know what and how much will make me puke... I can drink until I am incoherent as long as I don't puke. See that picture -- That's me on the 4th of July (hell no I didn't wear red, white, and blue) and that liquid you see in that cup is not water... THAT IS HOW MUCH GREY GOOSE I POURED INTO MY CUP before adding cranberry juice. There's only about 2 cubs of ice in it and that was my second cup... See how proud I am that I'm about to crush that much goose? I also had several jello shots and something called a juicy fruit... And it actually tasted like the gum, or at least it did when I was hammered. I don't know. Now this is what I remember drinking or what the pictures remembered me drinking. I just never stop until my body gives me the warning that I might throw up... That's the only thing that will get me to stop drinking (besides running out of liquor). If my "tolerance" were lower I wouldn't get so drunk and I could probably prevent myself from making out with people.

3. I club too much.

(I want to start off by saying that is not the same shirt from the 4th of July... This picture is actually from the 5th and it's a Shiress, not a shirt.) When I turned 18, I loved the club and then I hated clubbing for like 2 years+ and I don't know what happened but now I'm a club fiend. Actually, I think what happened is I started hanging out with the girl in the picture (Stephy b.k.a. Kelly Kapowski) too damn much. The thing is, when I think about it... I don't even know why I like to club so much. I get hating bitches accidentally spilling drinks on me 5x in one night, scary Africans/Jamaicans who don't understand, "Nah, I'm good" trying to rape dance with me, I always seem lame people I know from high school I've been trying to avoid... I could go on with my run-on. For some reason though, I continue to club on a regular basis. I will probably be out this Thursday because... That's what I do. The worst part is my usual establishment, Iguana Cantina (as seen on the on the photostamp), isn't particularly classy or full of fine ass men... I just like the open bar and cheap cover... Ohh, and my favorite bartender. See, I have a favorite bartender. This is a problem.

I guess the true realization is that I'm a social alcoholic. Ohh well. Hope you all had a good weekend.