Thanks For Reminding Me!

Adding to the list of reasons I am an outcast in the black community; I would like to take this time to acknowledge my lack of religion. I am not a good Christian; I wouldn't even call myself a Christian. I do not practice any form of religion at all. I oscillate between what they call "mild or weak agnosticism" and "agnostic theism." Basically, I don't rule out the possibility of a God (I mostly believe there is one) but I don't see the evidence behind it and such. More importantly, I choose not to commit myself to any one religion.

None of this matters to most Christian black folk that I encounter because as soon as I say the words, "I am not religious," I might as well be an atheist. The holier-than-thou attitude infuriates me. I do not disrespect their views or their religious beliefs so why the disrespect of mine? When they're going on and on and on about what God has done for them and how I need to let God into my life, I don't tell them that they sound like brain-washed fools even if that is how they sound to me. No, I don't think all religious people are brain-washed fools but I don't believe that everything horrible that has ever happened to me in my life happened wouldn't have happened or would have somehow not been as horrific if I were a Christian.

Around the age of 9 or 10, I completely denounced all religion and refused to ever go back to church again while eating cheese fries in a Wendy's. When I tell this to people they say, "My mom would have never let me do that!" "My mom would have whooped my ass!" What these people don't understand is the "I don't want to go to church anymore" battle started at about 3. I'm saying this to say she fought for at least 6 years but she finally gave up when she realized I was dead serious. I didn't want to go sit in some building and stare in the faces of known hypocrites dancing in aisles, shouting, and then going back home to beat their wives, drink themselves to death, molest children, etc. I don't say this to say this is how all churches are but this is what I was growing up around and this was my perspective so I got a very bad view of church at a young age.

Fast forward and I'm all grown up and some of my friends think they can sway me; they continually invite me to church with them. They all tell me the same thing, "My church isn't like that." By that they mean any complaint I may have about any previous church. My experiences with all these churches vary; I went to one on and off for a little while in attempt to become more religious thinking it would make me happier but it didn't, it just made me feel fake. There were several that I walked out on because I guess I came on the day that they decided to spew hate against homosexuals and I really couldn't stand for that. At this point in my life, I feel like I've given the religious life a chance and I know it's not for me. I don't expect that everyone is going to accept my lifestyle, I'm not stupid. I just find it annoying when I'm attacked because I don't share someone else's beliefs.

Tonight/this morning I called to check in on a friend who just always seems to be frazzled. She told me she was going back home to Kentucky (from Atlanta) and that she had gotten herself right with God. I said good, because I truly meant it and I know that her relationship with her God is very important to her. She asked me how I've been and I told her I'm alright except I haven't been sleeping and then she proceeds to preach to me for at least 45 minutes about how I can't sleep because I'm not right with God. At first I listened and just let her go on because I've learned it's best not argue with religious people about religion but then she pissed me off. I had told her their were reasons why I walk around with so much pain but I don't always share them with people because I don't wish to be that person who complains about their rough life. It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am and what I've been through but I don't wish to dwell on it and bring others down with it. Somehow, she decides that the devil and I are having a pity party and that's why I can't sleep. This is when I told her I don't know this devil of which you speak and I don't pity myself or expect anyone else to pity me and I said, "Bad things happen, all the time. Life is never going to be peaches and roses for everybody and I know even though I'm in pain a lot of the time somebody's got it worse." So then she tells me, "Well, I don't mean to make your pain sound menial but bad stuff happens all the time so... It's your choice." This is when I raised my voice at her and screamed and let her know that just because bad things happen does not mean it's okay and none of what has happened to me (that I can't get over) has been my fault.

I know all religious people are not like this but I run into this all the time. It's crazy to me that they judge me so harshly when they don't know my circumstance. I could have sworn they were supposed to leave the judgement to their God. If you are right and I burn in hell, so be it. It is my soul and my life, right? I wonder how many of them could have lived my life and come out unscathed, still holding on to blind faith. Sometimes it feels like that if I were a child molester but a devout Christian, I'd get a pass from these people but since I'm just a person trying to do the right thing as much as possible who doesn't like to go to church then I'm the worst kind of heathen. I don't get these people but I would like to thank my "friend" and everyone like her for reminding me why I denounced religion in that Wendy's in the first place!