Thanks For Reminding Me!

Adding to the list of reasons I am an outcast in the black community; I would like to take this time to acknowledge my lack of religion. I am not a good Christian; I wouldn't even call myself a Christian. I do not practice any form of religion at all. I oscillate between what they call "mild or weak agnosticism" and "agnostic theism." Basically, I don't rule out the possibility of a God (I mostly believe there is one) but I don't see the evidence behind it and such. More importantly, I choose not to commit myself to any one religion.

None of this matters to most Christian black folk that I encounter because as soon as I say the words, "I am not religious," I might as well be an atheist. The holier-than-thou attitude infuriates me. I do not disrespect their views or their religious beliefs so why the disrespect of mine? When they're going on and on and on about what God has done for them and how I need to let God into my life, I don't tell them that they sound like brain-washed fools even if that is how they sound to me. No, I don't think all religious people are brain-washed fools but I don't believe that everything horrible that has ever happened to me in my life happened wouldn't have happened or would have somehow not been as horrific if I were a Christian.

Around the age of 9 or 10, I completely denounced all religion and refused to ever go back to church again while eating cheese fries in a Wendy's. When I tell this to people they say, "My mom would have never let me do that!" "My mom would have whooped my ass!" What these people don't understand is the "I don't want to go to church anymore" battle started at about 3. I'm saying this to say she fought for at least 6 years but she finally gave up when she realized I was dead serious. I didn't want to go sit in some building and stare in the faces of known hypocrites dancing in aisles, shouting, and then going back home to beat their wives, drink themselves to death, molest children, etc. I don't say this to say this is how all churches are but this is what I was growing up around and this was my perspective so I got a very bad view of church at a young age.

Fast forward and I'm all grown up and some of my friends think they can sway me; they continually invite me to church with them. They all tell me the same thing, "My church isn't like that." By that they mean any complaint I may have about any previous church. My experiences with all these churches vary; I went to one on and off for a little while in attempt to become more religious thinking it would make me happier but it didn't, it just made me feel fake. There were several that I walked out on because I guess I came on the day that they decided to spew hate against homosexuals and I really couldn't stand for that. At this point in my life, I feel like I've given the religious life a chance and I know it's not for me. I don't expect that everyone is going to accept my lifestyle, I'm not stupid. I just find it annoying when I'm attacked because I don't share someone else's beliefs.

Tonight/this morning I called to check in on a friend who just always seems to be frazzled. She told me she was going back home to Kentucky (from Atlanta) and that she had gotten herself right with God. I said good, because I truly meant it and I know that her relationship with her God is very important to her. She asked me how I've been and I told her I'm alright except I haven't been sleeping and then she proceeds to preach to me for at least 45 minutes about how I can't sleep because I'm not right with God. At first I listened and just let her go on because I've learned it's best not argue with religious people about religion but then she pissed me off. I had told her their were reasons why I walk around with so much pain but I don't always share them with people because I don't wish to be that person who complains about their rough life. It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am and what I've been through but I don't wish to dwell on it and bring others down with it. Somehow, she decides that the devil and I are having a pity party and that's why I can't sleep. This is when I told her I don't know this devil of which you speak and I don't pity myself or expect anyone else to pity me and I said, "Bad things happen, all the time. Life is never going to be peaches and roses for everybody and I know even though I'm in pain a lot of the time somebody's got it worse." So then she tells me, "Well, I don't mean to make your pain sound menial but bad stuff happens all the time so... It's your choice." This is when I raised my voice at her and screamed and let her know that just because bad things happen does not mean it's okay and none of what has happened to me (that I can't get over) has been my fault.

I know all religious people are not like this but I run into this all the time. It's crazy to me that they judge me so harshly when they don't know my circumstance. I could have sworn they were supposed to leave the judgement to their God. If you are right and I burn in hell, so be it. It is my soul and my life, right? I wonder how many of them could have lived my life and come out unscathed, still holding on to blind faith. Sometimes it feels like that if I were a child molester but a devout Christian, I'd get a pass from these people but since I'm just a person trying to do the right thing as much as possible who doesn't like to go to church then I'm the worst kind of heathen. I don't get these people but I would like to thank my "friend" and everyone like her for reminding me why I denounced religion in that Wendy's in the first place!

STANNIN AT IT'S FINEST

I'm about to bring you some news you probably don't care about but I'm going to tell you anyway.

So my big sis Shay calls around 1:57pm EST to alert me that the jam of the week on MTV Jams is none other than my husband (who recently reached over 1,000 plays on my last.fm) Lupe Fiasco with his OVER two-month old video for "Paris, Tokyo."

I literally RAN to the TV to see my man in hi-definition... And let me tell you, he looks delicious. So I'll be the Lupe stan I am and post the video AGAIN (Yes, when it first came out I posted it) and watch it as much as possible on MTV Jams (Love, Love).

Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle [4/95454521545]

Today I present a very special edition of Lisa "Mixtape" Turtle, an edition that has been about 5-6 days in the making (ya girl been busy!). I have disturbing and exciting news for you lovely people, your girl, Lisa M. Turtle has a CRUSH. Now I know some of you don't know me like that but trust me when I say it is a rarity for me to develop one these nasty little diseases.

(A little backstory)
Kelly Kapowski and I hit the club on Saturday (not our usual night but I was celebrating becoming a valid 21-year old again*) and we were looking extra fly. Saturday is also, unfortunately, the day my dear friend Elisha Adams passed so I was trying my damndest to keep it together and hold it down Scorpio style for him. Upon arrival at the bar Kelly notices a dude with a MOHAWK (yep, mohawk) and stars shaved on the sides of his head (yep, stars too)! We were at the bar ridiculing homeboy, just straight crackin' on him! Then we get out on the dance floor we both notice that he is actually quite cute (for a "white boy") and dancing with an ugly, possibly mildly retarded girl and I decide it is my mission to get him. So I pull a fast one on ol' girl -- I do the switch-a-roo and get at my man. I then realize that this is no white boy... THIS IS A PUERTO RICAN. LoL, he totally thought I was Dominican and that Kelly Kapowski was Puerto Rican (she's Sicilian) but that's okay... Happens to us often. So I am just showing out... Grindin' all up on him, ended up making out with him... SO NOT MY USUAL STYLE!!! I even gave him my number... I give no one my number!

So he gets kicked out for defending his sister but he calls me when I'm on my way home and I end up seeing him later that night. We've been talking everyday since but he unfortunately lives in Philly and right now he's actually visiting Puerto Rico. I don't know why but this crush has not subsided, it has only gotten worse. I've been watching MTV TR3S, thinking about my middle school Latino boyfriends, and staring at Jon Seda**. I don't know what do with myself... I know I said I wanted an Asian man but right now I'm thinking Puerto Ricans are where it's at. For those of you who don't know me like that let me just say that under no circumstances have I shown attraction for Latino men past the age of 14... In fact, I haven't shown a fondness for anything other than black men in the last 3 or 4 years! This new obsession is leaving my friends speechless! ¡No soy dominicana pero quiero un boricua! (I apologize for any bad Spanish I may have used.)

Well, at least I was given inspiration for this mixtape. Please enjoy the lunchin' cover inspired/stolen from the movie I Like It Like That and if you haven't seen it... GET ON THAT. IT'S A CLASSIC.

I present to you, Lisa Turtle: Lisa y Chino<3 (The Crush Mixtape)

Get it here.

01. Love At First Sight - Kyle Minogue
02. Swing My Way - KP & Enyvi
03. Whine Up (Feat. Elephant Man) - Kat Deluna
04. If - Janet Jackson
05. Irresistible - Jessica Simpson
06. Toxic - Britney Spears
07. Crush - Jennifer Paige
08. Baby - Brandy
09. Infatuation - Christina Aguilera
10. 1Thing - Amerie
11. C.R.U.S.H. - Ciara
12. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom - Selena
13. 2 Of You - Danity Kane
14. Baby Boy (Feat. Sean Paul) - Beyoncé
15. I Want You - Erykah Badu
16. Take My Time - J*Davey
17. A Long Walk - Jill Scott
18. Underneath The Stars - Mariah Carey
19. 4 Page Letter - Aaliyah
20. See You Again - Miley Cyrus

*A few weeks ago Kelly Kapowski lost our lives at the club (IDs, money, camera, phones, LIP GLOSS) and I was rocking an expired ID until recently... I have a valid ID again. :)
**I've had a thing for Jon Seda since I Like It Like That and Selena*** put it OVER THE TOP for me.
***If you haven't seen Selena you suck at LIFE.

I Like The Celtics But I HATE Boston.

I write this for peace of mind.
I write this because I cannot express myself through other means.
I write this because I am thinking of things that I never thought.

I never thought this would happen to someone that I know... knew.
I never thought that the last time I saw you would be the last time I'd ever see you again but it was and I hate myself for not remembering what you were wearing.
I never thought I'd regret all the petty arguments.
I never thought you wouldn't see your 21st birthday.

I don't have the right to fall apart now.
I have to hold it together for your sister, my friend -- the woman I call my sister because she is a big sister to me. She is hands down one of the best people I've ever known and my whole being hurts for her because I know how much she hurts right now. Someone has taken you and even though she were not the one who bore you, you are basically her first born. Nobody wants to bury their child.

So now the tears fall.
The questions are asked...
What were the circumstances?
What was this over?
Why was a 15-year-old out so late?

And I try to hold it together but I have to admit I don't handle these things very well. I don't handle death very well especially when the circumstances are so terrible. Twenty years. That's it. That's how long you lived. You will never get to not need your fake ID. I don't care how silly that sounds but you loved SoCo and Lime and you will never get to LEGALLY buy some.

I'm just so angry.
All of the lives this will affect.
You were a presence.
...Not a person anyone could ever forget.
You will not only be missed but you will be mourned.
I, personally, have never had so many arguments and good times with a person in such a short amount of time.

This 15-year-old boy...
He has ended your life and ruined his.
Whatever his reason for stabbing you, this mess has resulted in the destruction of two lives, two families...
I do not feel for him though.
I do not feel bad for his family.
I only feel anger and pain and hurt and resentment and...

AND WHY CAN'T I FIND YOUR NAME IN THE NEWS?
WHY CAN'T I FIND SOMETHING IN BOSTON OR SURROUNDING AREAS THAT SAY SOMETHING ABOUT YOU???
THIS ASSAULT HAS TURNED INTO A HOMICIDE. DON'T THEY JUST LOVE SHIT LIKE THIS? LET'S GET THE REACTION FROM THE VICTIM'S FAMILY!

That's my anger taking over again but I just want to scream at everyone who doesn't understand why I'm just so damn mad.

They say your blood wouldn't clot.
It made no sense to keep giving you blood.
There was nothing more they could do.

And now that's what stands in your place... Nothing.
And all I can do is wish you never went to Boston but wishing is never going to bring you back or change it. I'm not going to wake up from this nightmare because this is all real. You are never coming back. I'll never cuss you out again. We'll never get fucked up again. You'll never tell me "PEEP" before every important thing you say again. No more "Heeeyyyyy white girrrl" to random chicks in grocery stores. No more having you tell me I'm a "fuckin' lunchbox" after almost everything I say. I hope to never forget these memories.

But anyway, I got our picture up on my MySpace and my Facebook and people will laugh because we're both drunk in it and they'll say who is that boy with you???

And I'll tell them all... His name IS Elisha T. Adams and he will ALWAYS be my friend. That is something no bold 15-year-old with a knife, no doctors, no God, NOBODY could ever take away.

Friends of the Time or Friends of Like Mind

Lately when I think of most of my closet friends I start to wonder, "Are we growing up and/or growing apart?" In general, I've had most of the same friends since elementary school but it seems like the people I hang with most are newer editions to my life. I'm not trying to put anyone on the back burner but sometimes I feel like my older friends don't get me anymore. I want to hang with my older friends so badly but at the same time I feel like I shouldn't have to try so hard. On the other hand if I don't do something maybe all my friendships will end up like me and the girl in the picture on the right.

She and I were the best of friends, inseparable really (but I guess not.) That picture is not even 3 years old. I have a sneaky feeling it's just over two years old but I'm not sure. She and I barely talk anymore and I'm not really sure what happened. I put no blame on anyone, I really think that was just the way it ended up. We're not on bad terms. If she ever needed anything I'd be there and she knows it and I truly feel it's the same for me but I wonder how best friends become old friends and it only takes a few months. Those who know us probably thought it was a long time coming but I don't know... Now that it's all said and done I'm down one best friend and that doesn't feel so great.

I hate that quote about people being in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime... It seriously irks me. I don't know why it is that I hate almost anything that rationalizes why life sucks sometimes. I do like this quote though and it's basically rationalizing the same thing: There are two kinds of friends, friends of time and friends of like mind.

When I look at that I wonder if it's true and then I get sad all over again because (as I said) I feel like most of my friends don't get me. So are they all friends of the time? I want to be able to have a bridesmaid at my wedding that I've known since 2nd grade! I want Jinnelle to be my maid of honor because that's the way I always planned it. I want my kids to call these people "Auntie" and "Uncle" so-and-so but the way things are going I don't know anymore.

So I guess it's not the growing up I have a problem with (no matter how slow I am at doing it, lol) but it's the growing apart that's killing me. Someone said you never have to change your friends if you understand that friend's change but I don't believe that. I can accept that people change but it doesn't mean that I have to accommodate your changes. I don't owe any of my friends unconditional love.

I know this post kind of rambled but I really am blown. I just don't want to look back at my life and have a billion pictures of people I don't know anymore.

I Just Sat Silent For 8 Minutes and 39 Seconds...

I suppose as punishment for not being on the computer all day I am the last to know Nas's video for "Be A Nigger Too" has premiered! I cannot hold in my excitement! The video is beautifully shot and very powerful. Although I still feel "N.I.G.G.E.R (Slave & Master)" is a better song and parts of this video would have fit better with that song. (Part of that song can be heard at the end of the video for "Be A Nigger Too".) Anyway, who cares what I have to say... Here's the video!

Happiness, Birthdays, Clubbing, Ho-ING, ETC.

Hey y'all! Your favorite gangstafied suburbanite is in a ridiculously good mood! I'm going out tonight (OBVIOUSLY, it IS Thursday) and I'm gonna make it a fishnets night.

A good friend of mine turned 21 today!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BONITA RENE'E!

In addition, I'm listening to my husband Lupe and I haven't in a minute.

Okay, pointless post! Ohh well! I'm happy! All you Anne Arundel County-ens can catch Lisa Turtle at the most over-hyped mall in MD in an hour or so. I'm off to get some ho-cessories. PLEASE ENJOY THIS OBAMA/EDWARDS MACRO:

(Representative of Stephy and I whenever we stunt on these hos!)

----------------
Now playing: Lupe Fiasco - Go Baby (Feat. GemStones)
via FoxyTunes

OMFG THE CARPS

About a year ago my home-skillet Les hipped me to a little Canadian duo known as The Carps. If I could pinpoint their sound I'd totally define it here but I can't. I've heard they're afro-punk but I'll prefer to just label them as awesome. From the first note of the first song that auto-played on their MySpace about a year ago, I was immediately enthralled. I just think they are made of WIN. To date, they only have two EPs (The Young & Passionate Days of Carpedia and Waves & Shambles) and they are in my last.fm top artists (Number 3 actually, 397 plays and less than 15 songs). Getting to the point, they've got a new video out and since I've decided to stan for somebody other than Lupe for a change. Enjoy "Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames." (I know the video isn't that special but the song is the shit.)

*Personal Note: Like many other black men mentioned in this danish, the lead singer (Jahmal Tonge) made this list.

FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!

ONLY 4 DELEGATES NEEDED!!!

BARACK OBAMA IS THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE!!!

SORRY HILLARY... :'(
(I'm not really...)

AND JUST BECAUSE I LOVE THIS PICTURE...