Catch 22

22 years ago today they cut my mommy open and pulled me out. Yes, today is my BIRTHDAY. The days leading up to my birthday were full of mixed emotions, particularly the final week. You see, my good friend Elisha (the one who was murdered) would have had his 21st birthday on Nov. 12, 2008 - exactly one week prior to my 22nd birthday. I look at this picture from his birthday this year and think to myself how wrong this is. Was today a good day? Yes. Better than I could have ever anticipated (given my emotions leading to my birthday)? Yes. I just missed him so much today. I didn't get much time with him but if you would have known him you would know that forgetting him is impossible. Anyway, I am very thankful for the special people in my life who made this one of my best birthdays ever. I don't know if it's because my expectations were so low but it's really been super and it's not even over yet. I mean, JAHMAL TONGE told me Happy Birthday! ;) So without further adieu - Pointless personal pictures to further prove I am a weirdo. Thanks for reading about my dull life and random thoughts.

-la jasmine exquise-

Birthday Kick-off double fisting: signature pose. Hope you like the tiara.

Actual birthday (11/19/08): Bored, anticipating my fiesta with my mom!

Fiesta! Fiesta!

P.S.: I'M SICK AGAIN GUYS!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! /sarcasm

First Time Voter! (Sort of...)

OMGosh GUYS, GUESS WHAT?!!!

in my very first presidential election! (I was 17 days too young last time!)

Obviously, you guys know who I voted for. It goes without saying. I also voted yes for Maryland to allow for early voting and no on slots! Yay me! I got to the polls around 6:40am and was out near 7:30 eventhough the lines were crucially long. Then my mom took me to get a presidential breakfast.

Yep, you can't get more patriotic than McDonald's!!! LoL! (Side note: My hash browns were extra greasy.) (Other side note: I always get a sausage biscuit with cheese and put strawberry jelly on it... My mom thinks that is the grossest/weirdest shit ever. What do you think???) Anyway guys, I hope all of you that are registered to vote get out there and vote if you haven't already. I am so sick right now and I still got my butt out there. I don't want to hear the my vote doesn't matter shtick either! I live in MD, we're going for 08AMA, I know my one vote didn't put it over the edge but there are other issues to vote on and then there's the whole people died for your right thing. Anywho... Enjoy this moving, powerful, and completely appropriate video from Miri Ben-Ari. (Last side note: I was very upset to learn about the passing of President 08ama's grandmother just hours before he makes history.)

"Symphony of Brotherhood" - Miri Ben-Ari feat. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Happy Voting!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

This Election

Disclaimer: I want to write this disclaimer now while I am of sound mind and body, before any of the emotions that have been building up since Barack Obama announced that he was running for president cripple me. I want it to be clear that I don't write this to offend anyone, to generalize, to make assumptions, to appear racist, or to lose friends. I write this because I want to say my piece on this tiresome election and say no more ever again until after Nov. 4. I will even do my best not to comment back to those who comment. It is my hope that I cover everything I want or need to say in the following statements.

I am tired of this election. It makes me sick. The appalling behavior of people is not shocking, just disheartening. The racist attacks are depressing. I particularly get upset at all the accusations over Barack Obama being a secret Muslim and that meaning he's a terrorist. This is offensive on so many levels. I don't have the time or patience to run through every single disgusting thing that has occurred recently but I am so fed up. I personally know friendships are falling apart at the seams because people refuse to respect each other. It was easy to pretend that the feelings didn't exist, that racism was not a problem until the catalyst. This audacious (half) black man thinks he can be president. It is extraordinarily interesting to me that I can recall how quick many white people were to constantly remind us black people that Barack Obama half-way belonged to them. I remember feeling the implications (before he decided to run, back when he was just the enigmatic Senator from Iowa) from these people; he's so good because he's half white. Maybe I should explain that. Some (not all or most) white people would feel the need to point out that his mother is white every time a black person seemed too proud of this black man. It would seem that these same white people don't want him anymore because he has stepped over the boundaries that they set for him. I noticed this when he decided to run for president. Some of these same people who thought he was the sweetest breath of fresh air in 2004 had the hateful things to say about him in 2007. I let it go though. As a black person, you learn which battles to pick and choose. It is especially difficult for me. Growing up surrounded by faces that do not reflect your own, you learn quickly that you don't want to be the girl or boy who calls everything "racist" even when it is racist. Even as I write these words, I think of the accusations. You're the racist because you think anyone who doesn't like Barack Obama is racist. This is simply untrue.

I find it interesting that if I generalized and said all white people are racists (because there are so many that are) I would be harshly attacked and criticized for my words. It is apparently, however, an acceptable generalization to say that all black people are voting for Barack Obama. Most people do not jump at that. Even more, it is apparently okay to assume that if you are black and voting for Barack Obama it is because you are black. The last time I checked black people were in the minority so I would gather that non-black people would have to vote for Barack Obama for him to become the Democratic nominee. Why does no one seem to accuse non-black people of voting for Senator Obama because he is black? Why does no one seem to want to talk about the large group of people who won't vote for him because he is black? Why can't it be that most black people are democrats? He is, after all, the democratic nominee. I don't know that Condoleeza Rice could have had this following from black people. I seriously doubt Alan Keyes could have. I know for a fact Michael Steele did not fair well with black people in Maryland when he ran for Senate. Why assume that black people are not capable of voting on the issues just like you are? Parade all the videos you want in front of me about black people who don't know the issues; I don't care. That does not represent black people as a whole but of course you choose to think it does. It is easy to think ill of the people you named a word that means ignorant. "I wish these ignorant people wouldn't vote." You say this and you're only referring to black people who you think are voting for the wrong reasons. Why don't you just say what you mean? "I wish these niggers wouldn't vote." I move away from that. I move away from the collective you. It's starting to sound like I mean all white people and I don't. This goes out to anyone with these feelings. Especially, black people with these feelings. You are not better than me black Republican because you are voting for John McCain. You are not smarter than me. You are not more enlightened. You are not special. You are not different. Most of the time you just sound desperate to separate yourself from "us." No, I don't feel this way about all black Republicans but most that I come across, yes.

As for me personally, I was not sold on Barack Obama - well, I am still not fully sold on Barack Obama. I guess I like him about as much as I can like a politician. I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I like Michelle Obama more than I like Barack Obama. When he announced he was running my feelings were mixed. I was very pro Hillary but happy for Barack. I thought he would make a nice vice-president. I had no intentions of voting for him in the primaries until... Hillary lost it for me. Her behavior, I won't get into specifics, turned me off. Most people didn't know I was initially for Hillary because they assumed. Yes, I always liked Barack Obama but I did not always plan to vote for him. It was assumed by Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Green party members, etc. that I was for Barack Obama. Why is that? Simply because we're both black. I didn't know who to vote for when our primary rolled around so I just voted for Barack just because. I didn't vote for him because he is black. I feel my gender more than I feel my race daily so if that were the case I would have voted for Hillary. I just couldn't not vote for someone. I am black and I am a woman. Too many people died, too much blood shed, too many tears, too much went on for me to have the right to vote. I will never not vote no matter how much I don't like the options. So this is the truth of the matter. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a whole hearted Democrat. I'm not anything. I don't like John McCain or Sarah Palin. I didn't pay attention to the other parties candidates. So It's Obama/Biden. My truth is the truth for a lot of people. Vote for the one you dislike the least. Yes, Barack Obama is handsome and a wonderful public speaker but I'm voting for him because he's the best option I have. Not voting is not an option to me so this is it. If I wanted to vote on race or gender or something I'd vote for the Green Party candidate - I mean, she's black and a woman! Two for one! To be honest, I constantly fret over how well Obama will do. I am completely confident he'd do much better than McCain but the odds are stacked against him since the country is already going to shit and he hasn't even made it to office yet. I worry that the job is nearly impossible, our downfall inevitable. I worry that he will become the scapegoat and we will never again have another black president.

But I know, some of you are still not convinced. You are convinced if Barack Obama had the same platform as John McCain I'd still vote for him. You make these assumptions simply because I am black. I've already told you how wrong you are but you will still believe it. So, now I ask you to look at it from another angle. I know I am asking too much of some of you when I ask you to try to see it from a different point of view. What if I were voting for Barack Obama just because he is black? What if every single black person in the country only voted for Barack Obama because he is black? So what? Unfortunately, people have the right to vote for whomever they choose and the reasoning can be as trivial as they'd like. But, race is not trivial. Especially not to those older than I. Those who remember segregation. My mother was born in 1954, the same year as Brown v. The Board of Education. Explain to me then why it was not until she was already in high school that the schools in Tangipahoa Parish, LA were desegregated. She remembers. This fair chance for a black man means something to her. Even if she weren't voting for him, she would be in awe that he made it this far. Can you imagine what it means to her to be able to vote for him after she has spent her whole adult life voting for white men and women. This is her youngest child's first presidential election (I was 17 days too young in 2004) and I will be able to vote for a black candidate. Can you imagine what that means to a black woman raised in the south during the civil rights era? Can you? I think back to Michelle Obama's now infamous statement about how for the first time she felt really proud of her country. So many jumped at the chance to call her un-American. I hate to break it to you but this is the reality for those unfairly handed second class citizenship status. I have still not seen a reason to be truly proud of my country. I refuse to feel ashamed of black people who only are only voting for Barack Obama because he black. Like I already said, it is no more than the white people (and other non-black people) not voting for Obama because he black. Besides, haven't white people always voted for white people because they were white? White men specifically? Isn't that why a black candidate and a female candidate never had a chance until this year? Or am I not supposed to point that out?

With all this being said, I just want everyone to vote - Period. I don't care who you vote for and all I ask is that you extend me the same courtesy. On the other hand, if Barack Obama doesn't win I will have no choice but to feel that it were not his merits and credibility that lost it for him. I will believe it to be something more sinister and evil. I will believe it to be racism. You don't have to agree with me, I'm not asking you to. I'm just being honest. I wish I could believe it to be his political stance but I can't delude myself. I can see. I also fear his victory. I fear people will think racism doesn't exist here anymore because we have a black president. Racism will still be here no matter who wins.

On Nov. 4, 2008, I will vote for Barack Obama. I know that no one is shocked. Your reasons for being not shocked depend on your character. If you choose to think ill of my decision and want to continue to assume it's based on race then more power to you. I do not wish to discuss this further. If you are offended and hate me now. Feel free to never speak to me again. Delete me off Facebook, MySpace, delete my number, etc. I don't want to lose friends over this madness but I'm always going to be black so if that's the kind of person you are it will come up again later in life so let's get it out the way now. This does not mean if you are a McCain supporter I don't want to be your friend. I mean if you think less of me because I'm not one or you question my intelligence (meaning you think I'd vote for someone just because they're black) then I don't want to be your friend anyway. I think voting for John McCain is incredibly stupid but I'm trying to respect that everyone doesn't think the way I do, can I have the same in return? I don't think that's too much to ask.

Also, I can understand if you are a John McCain supporter who won't like me anymore because you will wonder if I think you are secretly a racist. I can answer that, I don't unless you have given me some reason to feel that way.

Anyway, everybody just vote! Please?

-Jasmine

P.S.: Donna Brazile says it better than me and it's shorter:

I Want You

you mess with my mind
thoughts skip and repeat like a scratched CD
I shake my head in defeat
because there seems to be no release
staggered heartbeats and clammy palms don't lie
I want you
and it would seem that this fact is
inescapable

I tried to drink you out
sleep you out
read you out
exercised and exorcised
even tried to fuck you out
but I can't convince myself
despite my best efforts
that I don't want you

tried to figure it out
how I became so fixated
everytime I try to rationalize
I end up lost in moments
and picturing your smile
I wish I knew your voodoo
you're not even that cute

the reasons are lost to me
I just know that
logic has failed me
my emotions betrayed me
denial no longer being an option
I must accept how badly
I want you

Erykah Badu - I Want You

Michelle’ Orphalee McMullen … Missing

Just trying to help spread the word... (More people should do things like this...)

It's That Magical Time of Year!

I've been extra nostalgic lately and I think it's mostly due to my impending birthday. I'm not excited at all and that kind of makes me sad - I usually love my birthday but this year I just kinda don't care. I know part of it is what my birthday is near... Exactly one week after the birthday of my friend who was murdered. I just feel so old and unaccomplished (lol). I know that I'm not old for real for real but it really feels like time has slipped away from me. This past weekend was my high school's homecoming and a couple people older than me were going to the game and I was just like -- I seriously graduated over 3 years ago, I'm not trying to be around a bunch of 14-year-olds. But seriously, where has the time gone? I look at this picture of my best friend Jinnelle and I on our graduation day (June 10, 2005) and I think about how in a few years my little cousins Helena and Daisy will be graduating... Why do I feel like life is moving too fast?

Earlier today, my mom was on the phone with my Auntie Helen (Daisy and Helena's grandmother) and she told me that my little cousin Helena had made homecoming court and the strangest thing happened -- I started crying. I can't explain it but it was just too much for me at that moment. Helena is the first baby I have ever held. My cousin Mel was the first pregnant person I ever remember being around. Helena is my little baby, my little shadow and now she's a teenager and soon she'll be an adult and I'll be her uncool older cousin that she thinks is desperately holding on to youth!

I mean, it seems like just yesterday that I was a 14-year-old and on the phone with Jinnelle talking about how were pretty much over The Backstreet Boys. Maybe I just miss my family or maybe I'm just extra crazy. Anyone else have an irrational "DAMN I'M GETTING OLD!" moment???

WHY DID NO ONE ALERT ME TO THIS FIRST CLASS FUCKERY?

So apparently Mr. West stopped by The Ellen Degeneres Show to premiere his video for "Love Lockdown." About that song... I was convinced the final version was another draft/demo being that it sounds so... Well... unfinished but apparently this is the (umm) direction Kanyeezy has chosen to go in. Now, I like the lyrics because I am an emo thug myself (thanks Gavie) but the umm... vocals - not so much! I actually prefer the cover by Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy. I just don't know what's wrong with Kanye. I'm going to go ahead and say I found Graduation to be a disappointment and now this... WILL SOMEONE PLEASE INTERVENE AND TAKE THE VOCODER AWAY FROM HIM?! PLEASE?! I can't take a whole album of off-key autotune joints. Kanye West, you are not T-Pain (or Lil Wayne who can do it because he's high as shit off that lllleeannnnn and nobody cares anyway).

In all seriousness though, I think maybe Mr. West is going through a tough time with the loss of his mother and the ending of his engagement but damn... I'm all for soul searching but this shit is out right terrible. It's okay though, the stans will buy it. Now enjoy Kanye in an all white outifit in an all white room with a telescope and some African dancing ish. Yeah, I don't know either.

P.S.: What's really good with his hair? I'M JUST SAYING.

JaZmine Sullivan - Fearless (Album Review)

I had been thinking about doing album reviews but I didn't know if I really felt like giving the effort - Seems like that would interfere with my laziness. But, I decided to review the new JaZmine Sullivan album Fearless.1. "Bust Your Windows"
This is her second single. I kind of want to like this song. Kind of. I really like the beat. According to wiki it was produced by Salaam Remi and samples "Bad Man Waltz" by Salaam Remi... Whatever that means, lol. Her voice isn't as grating on this song as the first single ("Need U Bad") but it's still not great. As for the lyrical content, it's about what you would expect. You broke my heart/So I broke your car/You caused me pain/So I did the same. Nothing really profound here.

2. "Need U Bad"
I hate this song. I just absolutely hate it. Missy Elliott's ja-fake-in thing she does irks me. JaZmine's voice irks me. The lyrics irk me. I need you bad I can't take this pain/Boy, I'm 'bout to go insane. GROSS. I'll say something positive though... It's catchy in that annoying way that you'll find yourself screeching singing it later.

3. "My Foolish Heart"
My guess is this is filler. It's forgettable in every way. Matter of fact, I had to start it over because I didn't realize it had come on while I was editing the intro of this review.

4. "Lions, Tigers, & Bears"
I'll admit... I love this song. I love it so much that it got the repeat treatment weeks ago. I love the orchestral arrangement in the background - Salaam Remi does it again! The lyrics really talk to that young and girlish side of me. I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears (oh my!)/But I'm scared of loving you.... Why do we love love when love seems to hate us? She got me on this one, I won't lie. Her voice still sounds nasally and whiny but I ignore it.

5. "Call Me Guilty"
The song opens with a phone call between JaZmine and her mom where she tells her mom, "Mom, he did it again... He hit me." The song goes on a hypothetical journey where she wonders if she should kill her abusive boyfriend. I almost want to give her props for boldly taking on a subject usually ignored in mainstream R&B and not trying to cover it up in metaphors. You know exactly what she's saying. The lyrics are straight forward: 'Cause if you knew what he did to me/I know I would get your sympathy/So if they catch me/I still ain't sorry/Just lock me up and/Call me guilty. The song itself, however, isn't all that interesting. It's actually quite boring.

6. "One Night Stand"
Hmm... I'm on the fence about this song. The chorus is pretty catchy. It starts off slow and forgettable but when it picks up it's almost infectious. Her voice is also less annoying on it. Content wise, she sings of a hook-up that went further than she intended. He was supposed to be a one night stand.

7. "After the Hurricane"
Predictable and boring. The way you broke my heart/and now I'm left with the pain/After the hurricane... Yawn.

8. "Dream Big"
More Missy Elliott... Yay! (/sarcasm) The song is about exactly what the title makes you think it's about... having big dreams! She's going to take that big journey to the magical land of Los Angeles and give it her best shot! The song sounds like something scrapped from a Disney Channel original movie starring one of the Mowry siblings or Raven-Symoné or one of the other ethnic people they allow into their programming. Maybe it'd fit in nicely in another Cheeetah Girls sequel.

9. "Live a Lie"
I had to listen to this song like 20x (exaggeration) to make sure I understood what was going on. She mumbles/whines through the whole song and it's boring so I kept getting confused. Here's what I got: She got drunk one night and went to her boo's house (I think?) and caught him with some chick and she wish she hadn't. She'd rather live a lie. I guess she's operating on ignorance is bliss... Fuck living a lie. I'd rather be heartbroken than played, BUT THAT'S JUST ME.

10. "Fear"
The song contradicts my personal jam, "Lions, Tigers & Bears" because in that song she runs through how she's not scared of much except loving her boo but this song says she's scared of basically everything. Which is it? At first listen, the song probably seems familiar to most because she samples a Stevie Wonder song: I Was Made To Love Her. As much as Stevie samples touch my heart, I couldn't get into this song.

11. "In Love With Another Man"
This is the other song that everyone else seems to like... Everyone but me. It seems she's going for more a bluesy feel as she (again) whines over the track and tells her poor lover that she is sorry but she is in love with someone else. I guess I can see why people would like this song but it just doesn't work for me. It mainly comes down to the fact that her voice couldn't pull off that bluesy agony she was going for. As much as I hate to say it - Fantasia Barrino probably would have killed this song (and I swear, I can't STAND Fantasia Barrino.)

12. "Switch!"
The most playful of the tracks. It has an old school feel to it and it's pretty cute. It's about how she thinks her and her man should SWITCH! She likes his best friend and is offering up her female friend. Like I said, the song is cute.... But not cute enough to keep when you hate the rest of the album (save for one song.)

In case you didn't notice, I did not like the album. It seems that most other reviewers loved it but I am not on that train. It's not because I'm not her target audience - I'm her age, I'm a black woman, I'm a man-hater/lover, I dig R&B, I hate Rihanna, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill changed my life... I'm supposed to like this shit but I DON'T. Plus, it's lacking in depth. Pretty much every song is about some dude or at least references lurve. I swear people are so thirsty for someone with a shred of talent that they give credit where it is not due. Like my friend Lenoir Tyrannical says, "she sounds like she's got a chest cold." ...And if I hear/read one more person comparing her to Lauryn Hill I will bust some heads till the white meat shows! I even heard Phyllis Hyman comparisons... LIKE, SERIOUSLY? WTF? I give her MAD PROPS though for being a songwriter. But if you don't like my review, read Allmusic's - they gave her 4.5 stars... I'd give the ONE SONG I'll keep 4 stars.

Worst of all though, I HATE THE WAY SHE SPELLS HER NAME. IT'S J-A-S-M-I-N-E. Damnit.

(There's a bonus track but I didn't care enough about it to look for it. Also, if you want to hear something good - Check this out.)

White Privilege

(Saw this a couple days ago... It came to my mind again so I decided to post it this time. Thanks Jinnelle.)

For those who still can’t grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because "every family has challenges," even as black and Latino families with similar "challenges" are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a "fuckin’ redneck," like Bristol Palin’s boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll "kick their fuckin' ass," and talk about how you like to "shoot shit" for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don’t all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you’re "untested."

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words "under God" in the pledge of allegiance because "if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it’s good enough for me," and not be immediately disqualified from holding office--since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the "under God" part wasn’t added until the 1950s--while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you. White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was "Alaska first," and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she’s being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do--like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor--and people think you’re being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college--you’re somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don’t even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a "second look."

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn’t support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God’s punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you’re just a good church-going Christian, but if you’re black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you’re an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a "trick question," while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O’Reilly means you’re dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it, a "light" burden.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren’t sure about that whole "change" thing. Ya know, it’s just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.

-Tim Wise (anti-racist activist and writer; author of White Like Me: Reflections on Race From a Privileged Son)

She's Come Undone

For the past week or two, but mainly the past five or six days, I have been engrossed in a book called She's Come Undone. It was apparently one of the books featured in Oprah's Book Club but I don't pay much attention to Ms. Winfrey so I was only driven to read it because of one word - undone. This is a word I've used to describe myself for the last 7 years. What I meant was that the sugary sweet persona of happiness I tried to perfect was unraveling and I was powerless to stop it. A couple of months ago I made a promise to myself to not be ashamed of the things I go through; to be just as honest about my highs as my lows. The last two years of my life have been one continuous low and I have been doing everything in the world to avoid acknowledging the fact.

Repression. My plan had been to repress everything I have been feeling and try to resume life as usual. I was going to ignore everything that was going on around me and throw myself into other things. This seemed to have worked for me previously, as a young girl but no longer. I was holding myself together with mud and then a hurricane came and washed me away. All that is left now is pieces. I look back at pictures of me just before I began to lose composure. Through forced smiles and perfectly matched outfits, I still know I was at the very least a real person. I was not fragmented like I am now. I was a whole person once. If you look at the pieces you will see - they were once part of a whole. Now I'm aimless trying to find out who I am now and who I used to be.

Remember I said I wanted to share things I write because maybe sharing these things can help someone. Everyone should read She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb. The book is raw and honest in it's portrayal of what repression can do to a person. The themes in the book (spousal abuse, rape, abortion, mental illness, death, love) are all explained in the point of view of someone who feels unloved and incapable of being loved - the abused. The book affirmed conclusions I had already reached on my own. The most important being this: For years I walked around in shame hiding all my dirty secrets, covering up for sins committed against me. It took me a long time to accept that these things are not my fault. These things happen to people. Molestation happens to good people. Rape happens to good people. Physical and mental abuse happens to good people. Neglect happens to good people.

I wonder if I will always at least be partially this way - partially broken. They say once you're an addict you're always an addict, just in recovery. Had I been honest with myself and those who were trying to help from the beginning I wonder where I'd be at right now... But I can't think like that. I can only think of the now and the now is this is me. Flawed and incomplete but on the road to recovery. And if you are walking around harboring dark secrets that keep you shrouded in sadness and shame, let it out. Chose whichever method you are most comfortable with but let it out. Free yourself. Freedom is the only path to true happiness.

-Jasmine

BLACK GIRLS ARE AWESOME (For Those of You Who Don't Know So!)

I'm a pretty open person. Some say I'm weird but I prefer atypical, better yet - eccentric. From a very early age, my mom showed me that I don't have to live up to anybody else's expectations of what I should be. Growing up with such a non-judgemental mother allowed me to favor the Backstreet Boys to Blackstreet, No Doubt to Destiny's Child, basketball to ballet, dresses with shorts to pants, black to pink, to Boys Meets World to Hangin' With Mr. Cooper, etc. I have never felt the need to tie my identity to things deemed black, feminine, southern, or anything else that I'm supposed to be. I like what I like and I make no apologies, explanations, or excuses for my often random likes and dislikes.

It has come to my attention on numerous occasions that black girls and women are all expected to (basically) be one way. It seems a good chunk of you missed the memo that we are not all into long weaves, neck-rolling, hoop earrings, blunts, misplaced anger, etc. To be honest, I don't have much in common with most of the black girls I know and they don't have much in common with each other. Do you know what this means? WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT! ;) I chose that picture of Jack Davey because I think she represents what I'm saying here. She fronts J*DaVeY (the new Groove Theory), an R&B/Funk duo made of awesome and win. I'm willing to bet if she chose not to don mohawks and headdresses, she would become more appealing to most people. If she would just be that bland, safe, cutesy image of a black chick that the music industry keeps forcing down our throats... But she's not and she shouldn't have to be. Not only that, how she chooses to express herself shouldn't be seen as weird and/or shocking when the same reaction wouldn't be given to a white chick (if we're being honest).

...Now that you know what I'm trying to say here... Let me tell you what happened. I went out with some friends tonight and out of nowhere (it seemed), one of them says, "I know my children will be light because my wife will be white or Asian because I don't do blackies. No offense to you. [meaning me]" He, of course, is Wesley Snipes black. My other friends at the table scurried off, as they assumed I was about ready to lay a verbal assault on his ignant ass... But I didn't, not really anyway. I tried to engage in a civil conversation with him; I tried not to involve too many emotions. He told me it wasn't that he didn't like black girls, it's just that this is what he gravitates to because of where he's from. YOU KNOW THIS WAS A COPOUT TO THE SUBURBAN GANGSTER HERSELF, but I let it slide and let him continue. He told me that black girls, or at least the ones he knows, aren't into the things he likes - Anime, photography, rock music. They are all into that gangster rap and he can't deal with that. (For my DMV people, he's from PG County/MoCo... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!) He told me that he can't be faulted for his preference. The only other female there (a Korean/white blend) tried to explain his point of views from a sociologist's standpoint. They all started talking r e a l s l o w to me like I didn't understand them when I was the only completely sober person at the table (shocker, I know).

I won't even go into the self-hatred issues I'm convinced this boy has (and nope, not because of his "preference"). I asked him and the other black guy at the table, "Are your mothers black? Is she an angry hoodrat?" They replied, "No." "So how is it that you can say to me that you don't know not ONE black female who doesn't fit this stereotype when you know HER?" Then I went on to say, "And... YOU KNOW ME! Are you now saying I fit this stereotype too?" I am tired of people not acknowledging the variety pack that is the black female. Like I told these dudes, if I based my opinion of all black men solely on my experiences with black men... I wouldn't ever talk to a black man ever again. EVER. ...And the, "I don't know many black girls" argument - OBNOXIOUS. Meet some damnit!

This is a call to action to all out there who think we are all one way, all those who view us negatively... Try a black girl today! Go befriend one! Talk to one at work/school/the grocery store/etc.! You would be surprised (apparently) at how friendly we can be. Don't just assume we don't share your interests! Half the Anime club at my school was black girls! We like rock music too! Damn, some of us grew up going to country clubs too! I appreciate green tea and noodles! You wouldn't believe how many black women HATE mainstream rap music! And YES, I LOVE COUNTRY MUSIC DAMNIT! Stop trying to pigeonhole us and give us a chance before you assume we're angry, uneducated, and bitter!

I Am Not A Slut (Fixed For You L.F.B)

This year, the MTV VMAs were over-hyped as usual and I'm embarrassed as hell to even admit that I watched portions of that abomination but, I did. The show wasn't much of a show at all, I think I forgot it was on but there was a moment when Jordin Sparks decided to defend, of all things, promise (purity) rings. The ridiculous host of the show, Russel Brand had been going hard on Fake Hanson The Jonas Brothers for their decision to remain virgins until married and wear promise/purity rings. Now look, I don't really care one way or the other... Do I think it's noble or special or sweet or the right thing to do? Nope. I really don't. I actually think it's kind of stupid. But I operate on to each his own. I can see where sweet-as-pie Jordin got her panties in a twist over Brand's remarks (he was definitely crude the entire night) and I don't fault her for defending her right (and the Jonas Brothers' rights) to not give up the goodies but I do have a problem with her statement.

I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It's not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody, guy or girl, wants to be a slut.

That is all fine and dandy Miss Sparks (you seem like the type to prefer Miss instead of Ms.) but your statement, though you may not have meant it this way, implies that people who do not remain chaste until marriage are sluts. I am not a slut. Most people I know are not virgins and most of them are not sluts. I don't want to really take aim and issue with Miss Sparks (she's young as hale anyway) but with the attitude that many who choose abstinence have towards the LARGE number of us who don't. So I'm saying this for all the unmarried/never been married/who even knows if I want to ever get married/can't legally get married because the government won't allow it non-virgins - BEING SEXUALLY ACTIVE AND PROMISCUITY ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, THANKS.

Sarah Palin Scares Me

Bree Van de Kamp Hodge, Peg Boggs, Rita Repulsa, and Sarah Palin

I know everyone (especially out there in the danishosphere) is throwing in their two cents on potential vice president, Sarah Palin. I'm going to stay away from all the wtfery of John McCain's craptacular VP pick and explain why lil ol Sarah Palin scares me.

Part 1: Too many similarities to Bree Van de Kamp Hodge. Bree is a character (played by the always believably crazy Marcia Cross) on the popular television series Desperate Housewives. In light of the grandson-son-gate, the comparisons began. Sarah Palin allegedly faked a pregnancy to cover up for her teen daughter, Bree Van de Kamp Hodge actually did it. Bree is also a staunch Republican, a long-term member of the National Rifle Association, anti-abortion, by-the-good-book religious when it counts and when it's convenient, really really white... All of that. If you've never seen Desperate Housewives, believe me when I say Bree is one crazy bitch. Anyone putting me in the mind of her IMMEDIATELY goes on the "One Crazy Bitch" watch list.

Part 2: Have you ever seen Edward Scissorhands? Do you remember the mom? Tell me Sarah Palin does not remind you of her! For the 2 people that read this that have not seen Edward Scissorhands, or simply cannot remember, the mom in Edward Scissorhands was a bored, obnoxious, Avon selling housewife named Peg Boggs. Now... It's not so much about her character traits as it is the way she looks. The ultra matronly outfits, hair, and the same ugly glasses. Plus, it doesn't help that I could totally see Palin trying to force some Avon or Mary Kay on somebody. You may ask, why is this scary? Because you know if she had not gotten involved in politics she'd probably be one of those Susie Homemaker hockey moms and I always think perky suburban housewives are about one burnt cookie from unloading an assault rifle on the whole neighborhood. And if they're a member of the NRA (Palin), they probably have access to some, IDK, rifles. Beware suburbanites, beware.

Part 3: I'm almost positive all power hungry women have a plan to take over the world. Let's face it, I think most power hungry people have a plan to take over the world but women haven't had a fair shake so you know we let our imagination run wild when plotting. Because so few women are in extremely high-powered positions, dreaming of what you would do if you had the power seems more like some far fetched fantasy. Some of us just want to create harmony and come up with a good health care plan... Others have the Rita Repulsa gleam in their eyes. Rita Repulsa was my public enemy number one in the early nineties. That trick was always trying to off the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Everytime Rita would explain her eeeevvuuulll plan she would get this disturbing look in her eye, a gleam if you will. I see that look on Sarah Palin. It's this seemingly innocent squint-smile thing but look again, behind that pretense is the second coming of the Empress of Evil.

When you sum it all up, Sarah Palin is a lying, conniving, rifle toting, bible thumping, possibly bipolar, seemingly friendly and harmless, eeeevvuuulll trickster. She's got everyone fooled with her inexperience. If Jon McCain beats Obama, I will be convinced it was part of her plan that she has concocted and will fully expect for Jon McCain to be incapacitated by February 2009. Watch out America, I gave you fair warning.

Misandry

"As for the issue of whether or not to continue to reproduce males, it doesn't follow that because the male, like disease, has always existed among us that he should continue to exist. When genetic control is possible -- and soon it will be -- it goes without saying that we should produce only whole, complete beings, not physical defects of deficiencies, including emotional deficiencies, such as maleness. Just as the deliberate production of blind people would be highly immoral, so would be the deliberate production of emotional cripples."
—Valeris Solanas, SCUM Manifesto

The Single Life Blues

I've been thinking and drinking heavily for the past week or two, in part, because I've been living the single life blues. Now, I've been fake single (you know, when you're broken up but you're not REALLY broken up) for awhile now but now it's really over. I've been going through all the motions - listening to all kinds of songs to speak my emotions for me until I was ready. I realized just the other day, I haven't known what it's like to be completely single for about 4 years now. When I look back I was always at least talking to some dude or involved in a dramaship. It's strange. I forget that when I meet dudes now it can go beyond flirtations/crushes/revenge hook-ups if I want it to. The worst part about my single life blues is... I want a boyfriend more than I have ever wanted one in my entire life. As a matter of fact, it usually goes that I don't even really want a boyfriend but somehow I ended up in the relationship. (LoL, terrible, I know.)

Unfortunately, I have no clue how to go about this. Do I just do me and wait and hopefully someone will come around? Should I be proactive and look into every given opportunity? I'm already not a shallow girl, personality will always trump looks for me. I don't even really like to date conventionally cute guys because every other girl has already told them how cute they are and I don't have time to deal with inflated egos... Mine is big enough. I don't even trust myself to pick a good guy. The thought process is, "I like him, there MUST BE something wrong with him." My pessimistic nature is telling me that because I actually want a boyfriend for once, I'm going to be lonely and single for a long long time. *Sniffles* I even sent out this mass text message to my friends that said something like, I'm contemplating a non-sexual, romantic relationship with a woman while continuing to use men for sex... How do you feel about it? I was joking (mostly) but I do sometimes feel like a decent dude in such short supply I might as well find a good BFF Jill to do all the non-sexual couples things with and get my rocks off elsewhere. I know I'll miss the emotional connection but it's better than what I have currently (nothing).

People are telling me that I need to hold off anyway - see if this thing with him and I is really over. I can't speak for him but for me, the shit is over. It's a wrap. I got my relationship habits from both of my parents - My father is the type who is in love with love (I suffer from that), my mother is loyal and loves hard but when she's done there is no going back (my other affliction). So given these two traits, my recovery time after I'm actually done is short! It might take me a few tries to be done with you but when I am, the shit is like a distant memory... And that's exactly what he's becoming. I keep forgetting that some of these memories are from a week ago. (LoL!) It's like my new beezy Solange says in her song "Would've Been the One" - I was the one. Yes, I was the one. Keyword is WAS! Yes, I WAS the one!" I'm over that shit and now I'm ready. In the coming weeks I might have some seemingly sad stuff posted about the previous situation but it's not because I'm not over it, it's either because I wrote it before or I'm just reflecting.

To sum all of my rambling up - to bring this to a point, I don't know how to date. This may be in part to age (21) but I don't know how to do it. I don't know where people find dates. I am romantically challenged. I am also a little bit shy (a little known fact and shocking to many that know me). If someone really sparks my interest, I get all uncomfortable and I don't know how to act. I usually hang out with them in a group setting and let the alcohol do the talking for me. I want to take a more mature approach. I'm finally ready to do completely right by someone and I am ready to be done right by but for the first time in my life, I seem to have no potentials. I mean, there's a little crush but it's nothing for real because I think he's still in high school mode and I really don't have time for that, especially from someone older than me. So, it looks like I'm resigned to this single life blues until further notice. BLAH!

Thoughts

I got a message from someone today on Facebook (and they know who they are) that reminded me why I like to share what I write. Even though I don't update this the way I should, I'm always writing something. It's just... Sometimes I get so sad and upset and down and angry and crazy that I just go inside myself and hide.

I started this danish because I don't want to hide inside myself anymore. I don't want to be a prisoner of my mind. I want to be open. I want to be free. And if I can entertain, educate, cure my boredom, become a better writer in the process... All the better. I guess it's like self-help. LoL.

I'm probably going to revamp this danish again. I'll probably write with more clarity, more honesty, and be more raw. I will do it for me, for you, for us. Even if only one person reads, that'll be awesome. So... Soon enough, I'll make a comeback. Right now though, I'm off to read FunkyBlackChick and Black Girl On Campus and things. :)

-Jasmine

THE BLACK SNOB

I was going to update my blog on some other topic and I may still do that later but I had to share with you part of the reasoning I often miss writing in my own blog...

The reason is, I am too busy over at the The Black Snob salivating over her words and rejoicing in the fact that she's like me, only older, smarter, and wiser. I love to write, sort of... But I don't like to try at it. I almost want to reject being good at it. When I read her posts, I am reminded of when I would be assigned a topic in some class that I really wanted to talk about and I would show out. I would be the example that the professor uses for the other students when he/she eventually tells them all that they need to re-write their papers. This is what yours should have looked like. The thing is, The Black Snob is always a step above the rest. I read a lot of blogs but I am fickle and I get tired of themes and concepts very easily but never with her. I think I have a crush on her blog. I am permanently on the lookout for what she has to say about everything. I concede on topics I know I will never be able to touch on like her.

I guess I should say what prompted me to write this... She has written a piece on the perceived elitism (or uppity negroism) or Obama that is a must read. I'm sure most people who read my danish at least know of The Black Snob but for those of you who don't or those of you who have clicked and only skimmed, I am letting you know what you are missing. The Black Snob, or Ms. Danielle Belton, is exactly what the world doesn't want you to know that people like me can be. Black women can express their opinions without being angry, we can admit our flaws, we can be superficial, funny, insightful, creative, and more. You cannot pigeonhole us forever. We come in variety packs.

Anyway, please click any of the links and enjoy. She also does a lot of her own art for the blog too. Talent.

WHAT'S REALLY (MOTHERFUCKIN) GOING ON?

BERNIE MAC IS GIVING YOU (and I mean the collective you) THE SIDE EYE BECAUSE HE AND I BOTH WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?!!!

First Bernie Mac, NOW ISAAC HAYES.

That's right people, BLACK MOSES or that dude who sang Shaft or Chef (depending on who you are) is dead. I was quietly mourning the death of my favorite muhfucka Bernie Mac when I hear this on the news. Something in the milk ain't clean [(c) Crunk & Disorderly] on this shit right here. Morgan Freeman was in an accident, Bernie Mac is dead, Isaac Hayes is dead... WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

I can't take this. I'm gonna go listen to the Black Moses album on a record player and watch The Original Kings Of Comedy (minus the D.L. Hughley parts).

Enjoy this clip from The Original Kings Of Comedy

Improper Stannin

y stannin game was not proper earlier this week. I knew the remix video to "Everyone Nose" by N*E*R*D featuring CRS & Pusha T had premiered but I didn't bother to blog about it. What is really going on? Me pass up an opportunity to stan for Lupe and talk about some black menz I want do drop it off in my drawers... Seems nuts. Anyway, here's the video. Watch it. Look for my commentary underneath.

"Everyone Nose (Remix)" N*E*R*D feat. CRS & Pusha T

1. I guess nobody told Kanye that the "any black inside you" line would be corny as all hale.
2. I love you Lupe, but that "high" shit got extra annoying.
3. Pharrell killed it, with his wormy looking ass.
4. Pusha T, killed it.
5. Lupe looked EXTRA scrumptous in it.

Subject: apology....... :0( [Straight from the MySpace Presses!!!]

Hello Hello! The queen of the hiatus is back (temporarily). I have had so many things going on which I will hopefully be able to unfold for all of you in a series of posts. The first is a little update of Mr. Black-White-Girl Fetish. Mr. Black-White-Girl Fetish is from a post called, "I AM NOBODY'S FETISH." If you aren't familiar with the story or you need a refresher, I will give a little back story but the full story is at the links.

Anywho, I met this guy who seemed nice, we were getting along until... He decided to tell me that the reason he liked me is because he like black girls who act white. He touched a nerve with that one. I was livid. Any chance of romance was dead. I continued to talk to him anyway because his fawning over me was both comical and flattering... This was, until, I read his MySpace blogs that declared that he will not date or marry a black girl. Only a thick, caucasian and or "foreign type" female. I confronted him on the issue, hit him with my realness and he didn't like it too much. I posted our conversation on here and linked his MySpace... LoL. Anyway, he has written me back to apologize for disrespecting me and women in general. Well... He probably just wants to fuck me. Here's what he wrote to me; I didn't respond but if someone has a good suggestion to what I should say to him, that'd be amazing.

Just wanted to say sry 4 actin like an asshole last time we talked. I just
wanted to know if I could still be ur friend? I dont know when you will get this but I am going back to school in a few weeks. Mayb I will run into u at a club or movies. *wink wink* ttys..

He's just trying to get in my pants, I am not that stupid. In other news, I want these shoes.

*Sorry for runons, I'm falling asleep as I type.

"I WILL POP THE TRUTH IN YOUR ASS!"

In case you missed, my favorite rap-hop star, Nasir bin Olu Dara Jones, was on The Colbert Report last night. It was a great episode in general, especially the Nas parts. You can watch the full episode (at The Colbert Report's official Comedy Central website) here but I'm going to post a YouTube video of all the Nas parts. I would suggest you guys watch this stuff now before Viacom deletes it from memory forever (you know how they hate seeings Negroes do anything other than... Just watch BET and MTV, I don't need to explain that one). Earlier they had up single clips of the Nas interview and performance and they've already removed them... What's next? You know they'll be all over any YouTube and Dailymotion clips. Anyway, here's the video for however long it lasts.

You can also watch the Nas stuff here for however long they last.

Neglectful By Nature

Because I'm (quite possibly) the world's worst procrastinator (and blogger) and because I'm unfocused, lazy, and generally neglectful of anything but children, I (once again) let my danish go a week+ without an update. Now, in fairness to my laziness, I wrote a blog yesterday about new music but I wrote it in the wrong blog and it didn't copy like I thought it did and anybody as lazy as me was NOT about to write another one. ;) If someone finds a cure for lazocity, please let me know.

ALSO, I am currently on the search for an extremely fey (copyright The Black Snob) picture of R&B singer Lloyd for my currently stalking section. I'd really like it if someone could give me one from the Girls Around the World video with his hair all pressed out. IDK why but his King Tut/Cleopatra thing is working for me.

Ohh, and if you didn't know I do share a blog with one of my best friends (Cara) that had been dead for over a month but now we are back on our plans to be a muthafuckin menace (copyright Tupac). You should check us out, especially if you love randomness.

Jasmine + Cara = Jazzurrah

You won't be sorry. ;)

Monday Randomness...

I know it wouldn't seem like it but Lupe Fiasco is NOT my favorite rapper.... Nas is. ;) That being said, the anticipation of his album is killing me. I'm being bombarded with leaks... Tripping over them, Last.fm is even trying to throw them at me! But, I refuse to listen until tomorrow! Everyone should hit Best Buy, iTunes, Amazon, Tar-Jay, F.Y.E., Record & Tape Traders, Circuit City, Tower Records (does that still exist???), Virgin Megastore, whatever and wherever because it's Nas and it will be amazing. Or... If you're cheap or you hate Nas, download it and listen and enjoy or continue your hate. All I know is I can't wait for tomorrow!!!

For all of you who read/will read my post called "Dear Black Man" I wanted to clear something up. I do not hate black men... And that's the last time I'm saying that. I hate the relationships I've had with black specific black men... So yes, I did decide I won't pursue black men anymore. Pursue... Meaning, I won't initiate. Are we clear? How does a self-professed Lupe fanatic hate black men? This is my personal ad: I'm looking for... Well, not looking for but hopes that a Lupe Fiasco type (or how I presume Lupe Fiasco is) will come my way. DMXs, Ja Rules, Lil Waynes, Jay-Zs, Kanyes, Soulja Boys, and Eminems need not apply! (Nasirs and Black Thoughts are also acceptable.) If you are a Lupe or you know a Lupe, please send information and photos to
TheNewLisaTurtle@gmail.com; it would be much appreciated!!! LoL.

Ohh, watch the PSA because it's cute and funny!

Ohh those boys are much too much!!!

Dear Black Man

To whom it may concern
If it were to concern you at all
I am informing the collective you
that after years of being beaten down
mentally, physically, emotionally, and sexually
I am finally giving up
gathering what's left of myself and retreating
Black man - It's time to quit you

I won't let you leave me unloved and unmarried
Single mother of three
Fifteen years of you and no wedding ring
I won't let you turn me into a lesbian
Too traumatized to let a man touch me again
I will simply seek other opportunities
Somewhere in this world I'll be appreciated for me
I just don't think it will be a Black man

The Black man did not find me reason enough to
put down the bottle, stop all the whoring
and just raise his damn child
The only thing he gave me was
his nose, his vices, his smile, and his fucked up attitude

Black man I call my brother saw fit to lay hands on me
And no, I don't mean spiritually
Fists turned into punches, hands turned into slaps
Spit in my face as you tickle me until I cry
You told me no man should ever put his hands on me
Yet, you beat me down on a regular basis
Offering love for me as your reasoning
And to think, you're the only man I've ever really trusted

Black man, you sure like to touch me
Wandering eyes led to wandering hands
No permission was granted but that didn't matter
Terrified three-year-old felt something wasn't right
But your threats bought you time in the form of my silence
Eleven-years-old, your hands trespass on thighs
This time, I'm old enough to know to run
Like I wish I could have those times at 19 you got me
drunk enough to take advantage of my inexperience and innocence

The Black man wants my fruit
without putting in any of the labor
and I know I could never depend on you to be there
If by chance I were to go into labor
You won't even commit to showing up at my house on time
And a relationship is out of the question
The only thing you understand is "friends with benefits"
Where you're the only "friend" that benefits
While I hug my sheets, watching you dress
I realize your pretense and this is just another way to use me

Even when you and I become involved
You take it upon yourself to run down a list
of everything YOU THINK is wrong with me
You like my curly hair but you think it's too short
It makes you wonder if I'm "mixed with something"
My in between skin, however, does not please you
I catch you staring at my high school pictures on the wall
You notice my hair was longer and my skin was lighter
Then you tell me that I could have your babies
because I "got good hair"
but we'd probably have to keep them out of the sun
You are shocked I don't find this complimentary

You tell me I need to lose some weight
Even though I haven't gained any since you met me
Two months after we break up you're dating some white girl
AT LEAST 20 lbs. heavier than me with NO ASS
And even if she has an ass it's no bigger than mine
But you treasure hers because she's a white girl
when the same ass was just "aiight" on me
You value my features on a white canvas
But on brown paper they're commonplace

The black man loves to be contradictory
because I'm apparently "too white" for you
You don't care that I'm a product of my environment
All you can see is that I can name more than ten John Mayer songs
My fondness for subject-verb agreement upsets you
The only reason you're talking to me is to see if I can
put you on to one of my cute white girlfriends
or because you think I can fulfill that sick black-white-girl fetish of yours
You smile coyly as you tell me I'm the best of both worlds
A black girl on the outside, white girl on the inside
This is how you repay me for not being a Viacom stereotype

The black man accuses me of having too much self-esteem
You say I think too highly of myself
When the reality is after having you crush me for twenty-one years
I've realized only I can guarantee myself love
Reinforced when the man I am taught to call King
Gladly spits on the image of the woman that bore him
You will never share your strength with me
Why fault me for having my own?

Black man will say I am generalizing him...
And I am... And I don't care
I refuse to waste my life and my time
on men who don't really want me, who see me as the fallback
You want to use me up, have me play backdoor ho
until you find whatever it is that you're looking for

BLACK WOMEN need to wake up to what stares us in the face
We remain the most unmarried demographic because
Black men gave up on us first
Black men decided we were no longer desirable
and we continue to chase after your asses
When we could really just look elsewhere

After all these years black man
I never thought I'd being saying this to you
but I see why society turns its nose up at you
Don't be upset with me black man, you drove me here
but I will not let you ruin me
Instead, I will turn my back on you
just like you did to me, twenty-one years ago

Things I Should Probably Keep To Myself [3/3191987]

Maybe I've been missing Louisiana... Or Eli... Or something... But I've been drunk, A LOT lately... More than usual. I've been partying nearly everyday and the comedowns have all resulted in serious soul searching and I've come to realize a lot of things about myself and my life. Photographic proof is the source for some of these realizations.

1. I tend to kiss people when I'm plastered.

Now this isn't usually a problem being that it's usually on the cheek or something but there have been quite a few times, especially recently, that I've straight made out with people that I have no romantic feelings for when I'm drunk. I don't know what this is about, I don't even like making out when I'm SOBER. One of these times led me to declaring war on my beloved Grey Goose vodka and saying I'd never get drunk again... I went out later that night and got plastered. I am lucky that more people do not have pictures of me kissing random folk... At least these two girls are my good friends. ;) BTW... I didn't even remember taking this pic but was all "lol" when I got tagged to it on Facebook.

2. My tolerance is way too high for my own good.

Perhaps I should rethink the word tolerance in terms of drinking because I figure since I know what and how much will make me puke... I can drink until I am incoherent as long as I don't puke. See that picture -- That's me on the 4th of July (hell no I didn't wear red, white, and blue) and that liquid you see in that cup is not water... THAT IS HOW MUCH GREY GOOSE I POURED INTO MY CUP before adding cranberry juice. There's only about 2 cubs of ice in it and that was my second cup... See how proud I am that I'm about to crush that much goose? I also had several jello shots and something called a juicy fruit... And it actually tasted like the gum, or at least it did when I was hammered. I don't know. Now this is what I remember drinking or what the pictures remembered me drinking. I just never stop until my body gives me the warning that I might throw up... That's the only thing that will get me to stop drinking (besides running out of liquor). If my "tolerance" were lower I wouldn't get so drunk and I could probably prevent myself from making out with people.

3. I club too much.

(I want to start off by saying that is not the same shirt from the 4th of July... This picture is actually from the 5th and it's a Shiress, not a shirt.) When I turned 18, I loved the club and then I hated clubbing for like 2 years+ and I don't know what happened but now I'm a club fiend. Actually, I think what happened is I started hanging out with the girl in the picture (Stephy b.k.a. Kelly Kapowski) too damn much. The thing is, when I think about it... I don't even know why I like to club so much. I get hating bitches accidentally spilling drinks on me 5x in one night, scary Africans/Jamaicans who don't understand, "Nah, I'm good" trying to rape dance with me, I always seem lame people I know from high school I've been trying to avoid... I could go on with my run-on. For some reason though, I continue to club on a regular basis. I will probably be out this Thursday because... That's what I do. The worst part is my usual establishment, Iguana Cantina (as seen on the on the photostamp), isn't particularly classy or full of fine ass men... I just like the open bar and cheap cover... Ohh, and my favorite bartender. See, I have a favorite bartender. This is a problem.

I guess the true realization is that I'm a social alcoholic. Ohh well. Hope you all had a good weekend.